WOMEN'S RULES FOR MEN
(The Short List)

 After presenting the "25 Rules for Women," I wanted to provide equal time, but didn't have the rules for men. However, a reader SSibert911@aol.com, came to the rescue. I've edited and paired her 50 Rules to 25. It's definitely a "lean-and-mean" list. Even I squirmed on more than one occasion. (Me, "a paragon of the sensitive male," according to an unbiased feminine source. Though I think I detected a hint of sarcasm.)

 So guys, read it and "get over it."

 25 Rules for Men

 1. Call. (Brush offs on her home answer machine when she's at work are for wimps.) 2. Never tape any of her body parts together. (And don't even think about her lips.) 3. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls. 4. The correct answer to, "Do I look fat?," is never, ever "Yes." 5. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad. 6. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad. 7. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad. 8. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question. 9. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed. 10. Her cooking is excellent...This isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

 11. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay. 12. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with, "Nobody," is never going to end that conversation. 13. Two words: clean socks. 14. You're sorry...and then you're wrong! 15. Don't assume PMS is the figment of her imagination or the cause for every bad mood. 16. "No" means No. "Yes" means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice. 17. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue. 18. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive. 19. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it. 20. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like complete jerk until she does it for you. 21. Don't tell her you love her if you don't. Tell her you love her if you do. Often. 22. Always, always suck up to her brother. 23. Think boxers...Silk boxers. 24. Her haircut is never bad. 25. Don't lie. (Romantic embellishments are encouraged, however.)

And finally, a little lagniappe...the overarching metarule: The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your a$$ smoking cigars isn't fair either and it balances everything.

 Editing this list with a woman friend definitely generated some sparks...both between us and among my synapses. So, a future column will outline the Stress Doc's rules for relating -- for any and all gender combinations. Of course, until then...Practice Safe Stress!

 Mark Gorkin, "The Stress Doc," Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a nationally recognized speaker, workshop leader and author on stress, reorganizational change, anger, team building, creativity and humor. The Stress Doc is a columnist for the popular cyber-newsletter, Humor From The Edge. Mark is also the "Online Psychohumorist" for the major AOL mental health resource network, Online Psych . His motto: Have Stress? Will Travel! Reach "The Doc" at (202) 232-8662, email: Stress Doc@aol.com