Attitude Is Everything
I've received the inspiriational story below from two readers in less than a week. So that tells me a couple of things: it's making the rounds in cyberspace and it's striking a chord. Now being a contrary kind of guy, one who likes to look at things from "both sides now," I'll share later what I like about the story and what leaves me queasy. But first, congratulations to two new members of the Stress Doc's StressBusters Club --SpsyEDS and a friend who shall remain anonymous. Now on with the story.
ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING
By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."
I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live. "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?," I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man." I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'"
Jerry lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
You have 2 choices now: 1. Save or delete this mail from your mail box. 2. Forward it to your dear ones and choose to pass this on. Hope, you will choose choice 2.
Ok, here's my two cents. I like the fact that the protagonist, Jerry, challenges us to see opportunities and strengths not simply dangers and fears or complaints. I also believe learning the difference between reacting and responding to people or events is critical. Reacting often reflexively and judgmentally blames others: "You/they made me..." or "How could you think that" and "You're wrong." Responding involves setting limits, while taking personal responsibility: "I'm not comfortable with this." It also involves articulating desires or viewpoints: "This is what I like or (don't like)" and "Here's where we disagree."
Of course, I loved Jerry's retort about being allergic to bullets. Of course, it helps to have some IV Demerol in you. For example, I was cracking jokes right up to when the anaesthesiologist, with "gas mask" in hand, asked if I was ready to be put under for thyroid surgery. Boy, did my knees start shaking then. I had no choice!
I guess the problem for me with "Attitude Is Everything" is that choice isn't always so black or white; you can't always "just do it" or "just make it" positive. Often we aren't fully aware of key psychological, biological and, even, environmental factors that contribute to our being reactive or fearful in decision-making or the intepretations, options or paths we choose or avoid. (Avoidance is a big time choice. And sometimes you can't just choose not to be depressed when your biochemistry is out of whack. Of course, you can choose to get help if you can work through shame or overcome lack of information about mental health issues.) Major choice means major change. Invariably, there is an element of losing in choosing.
Here's "The Stress Doc's 4 'F' Loss and Gain Change Model." Grappling with change and choice often means: 1) by definition, letting go of the Familiar, and the security that familiarity can provide (of, course sometimes it can be a great relief to "let go" or escape the routine), 2) confronting an unpredictable Future, which can be scary and depressing, yet also exciting and hopeful, 3) dealing with loss of Face or self-esteem, especially if you are not ready for the choice, feel it's imposed upon you or it may result in lower status or achievement. Significant change often places you outside your comfort zone - may shake up your sense of identity; definitely a "danger-opportunity for growth" scenario, and 4) destabilizing your present Focus; you need to sort the forest from the trees, habitual reactions or responses, no longer cut it; mastering loss and change requires new performance, process and path.
So, after doing my little analysis, I have more in common with Jerry than I initially thought. That is, most things in life are double-edged. At the same time, I reaffirm my belief that right choice is more than right attitude...Attitude and choice are built on a foundation of head work, heart work and homework!
So, tell me what you think about the story or my take on it. And, of course, just remember...Practice Safe Stress!
Feedback Segment: How about sharing your thoughts on how you, friends or colleagues use humor in dealing with stress, conflict or moods, yours or others, in your personal life, at home or at work? HFTE will run the best stories and, of course, credit you. (And the real lagniappe, you become a member of the Stress Doc's StressBusters Club.) Also, email me to learn more about "The Stress Doc's" upcoming serious and humorous on-line support/chat group -- "The Frequent Sighers Club.
Mark Gorkin, "The Stress Doc," Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a nationally recognized speaker, workshop leader and author on stress, reorganizational change, anger, team building, creativity and humor. The Stress Doc is a columnist for the popular cyber-newsletter, Humor From The Edge -- <A HREF="http://members.aol.com/rkestep/index.htm">HUMOR FROM THE EDGE HOME PAGE</A> . Mark is also the "Online Psychohumorist" for the major AOL mental health resource network, Online Psych -- <A HREF="aol://4344:972.stress .1277273.543794536">ONLINE PSYCH: THE STRESS DOC</A> . His motto: Have Stress? Will Travel! Reach "The Doc" at (202) 232-8662, email: Stress Doc@aol.com, or check out his website: http://net-site.com/gorkin or click <A HREF="http://net-site.com/gorkin/">STRESS DOC HOME PAGE</A> .
Is Attitude Everything?
The Stress Doc features a reader's response to the "Attitude Is Everything" story. Her response to the story and my evaluation includes a thoughtful and heartfelt reflection on her own depression which questions a simplistic notion of choice and positive attitude.
Is Attitude Everything?
In the previous Humor From The Edge column (Volume 12/Issue 12), I critiqued the inspirational story making the cyber rounds about a uniquely positive manager named Jerry. (I've now received three copies of "Attitude Is Everything." Hmm. Do you think readers are hinting about my need for an attitude adjustment? ;-) I liked the way Jerry saw problems as opportunities and how he was able not just to confront but, even, laugh in the face of life threatening adversity. I'm reminded of a simple yet wise quote from a psychiatrist whose name escapes me: "What was once feared and is now mastered is laughed at." But it takes head work, heart work and home work (and time) to achieve mastery. It's not always just a matter of choosing to have the right attitude. For attitude is often a unique evolutionary mix of psychology, biochemistry, environment, cultural background and, for many, spirituality.
Anyway, this is my roundabout way of sharing an email from a reader who responded to a request for feedback on my double-edged perspective of the Jerry story. Janet, you captured my own sentiments more eloquently than I was able. You've earned installation in the Stress Doc's StressBusters Club.
With some minor editing, let me share Janet's words and insight regarding my evaluation of "Attitude Is Everything":
I very much liked your evaluation of the story "Attitude is Everything," especially your sentence:
"I guess the problem for me with "Attitude Is Everything" is that choice isn't always so black or white; you can't always "just do it" or "just make it" positive".......
Having suffered from manic depression much of my life, I too was troubled by the idea that a person can just choose how he or she responds to life. Like you, I felt the line about being allergic to bullets was funny. Still, the underlying theme did kind of bother me. Not many people can be positive all the time no matter what comes their way. Also, far too many people have little control over depression caused by chemical imbalance. Just pulling yourself up by your own boot straps or putting on a happy face does not work for every one.
I was glad to see your remarks about this story. When I first read it, not in Humor From The Edge, I was ambivalent about its message. There are lots of people who still believe depression is just a state of mind that is controllable by a person's attitudes. This just isn't so. Certainly, a postive attitude helps, but that can be very difficult for people with a mental illness. (Editor's note: And even for folks without a mental illness who are in crisis or who are just weighed down by a lot of pressure or responsibilities.)
Thanks for providing me this opportunity to express my views about the story and your remarks. Keep up the good job and God bless you.
Always, Janet
Thank you again, Janet, for your thoughtful and heartfelt response. I truly am touched, and I'm glad you chose to respond!
In closing, try to become more aware and understanding of the factors that influence choosing - how we embrace, avoid and struggle with choice - for yourself and for others. It's a key to healthy attitude and behavior and, of course, vital for Practicing Safe Stress!
Feedback Segment: How about sharing your thoughts on how you, friends or colleagues use humor in dealing with stress, conflict or moods, yours or others, in your personal life, at home or at work? HFTE will run the best stories and, of course, credit you. (And the real lagniappe, you become a member of the Stress Doc's Stress Busters Club.) Also, email me to learn more about "The Stress Doc's" upcoming serious and humorous on-line support/chat group -- "The Frequent Sighers Club.