Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

Ask the Stress Doc Q & A/Digital City--Washington, DC Work Stress

Q. Can you please advise me on how to deal with (1.) body odor and (2.) perfume allergy in the workplace?

Situation #1 is a part-time employee who has offended coworkers with his b.o. He is very large, and this may have something to do with it. He is such a nice guy that I hate to hurt his feelings, but it is nearly intolerable somedays... T

he second situation brings me to ask if you can suggest a tactful way to ask someone not to wear a certain perfume. I have already asked someone I carpooled with by saying that I seem to have developed an allergy to that particular perfume. I used to really like it and even wore it, but something has changed because it now gives me an instant headache and makes me feel nauseous! It doesn't help matters that the woman wearing the perfume in our office is the "big boss"... Thank you for any help you can offer.

A. Body odor, bad breath, flatulence, hair growing from nostrils or the ears...I can't quite decide why we are so self-conscious about emissions and shrubbery-like growth protruding from various bodily orifices. Perhaps some of it has to do with all the taunting one experienced in childhood or, especially, early adolescence. (Or maybe it's the media saturated image of perpetual youth and the need for Rogaine at the drop of a hair follicle.) Clearly, the terrible teens was an age when one's bodily processes, often raging out of control -- those pimples, for another example -- made one awkward, nerdy, ugly, self-conscious and so conspicuous. You stood out like a sore mountainous zit...Inevitably to picked at. Adolescents, like vultures, almost instinctually prey upon a peer's imperfections and vulnerabilities. Actually, scapegoating and tormenting others helped distract from facing our own inadequacies and insecurities or might foster a superficial sense of superiority.

But returning to the odious and onerous (can we say odorous?) issue still lingering, certain emissions, no matter what the age, rarely achieve a sense of grace. Let's face it, farting is uncool (unless trying out for Animal House: Part Sixteen). And still the existential dilemma when one emits an SBD: does the gaseous exterminator own up to the noxious deed? And just when you thought you'd finally escaped those adolescent nightmares now, with the aging process and lactose intolerance, so many baby boomers are reliving this humiliating scene. How about another label for this generation: "Baby Fumers"?)

While I am rambling, there is a point here: perhaps some of the difficulty in confronting a colleague's body odor is due to one's own attitude about b.o or body image or our own PTAD: Post Traumatic Adolescence Disorder. Maybe he doesn't have such an acute sense of smell. He may not be as self-conscious as you. (Of course, he may.) My suggestion: Tactfully approach him after work and say, "Joe, may I talk to you about a personal subject that, for me, is not easy to bring up? I'm sensitive to your body odor." (An "I-message" approach that proved effective for you when confronted by toxic emissions inside the car.)

Next see if he reacts or responds. Does he get angry or defensive? Does he acknowledge the problem? If the former, you might say, "I wasn't trying to be critical or hurtful, and I'm sorry if you feel that I was. But others have also expressed discomfort as well." Remember, you are really trying to be helpful and, hopefully, he will in time recognize that and thank you. If he's not defensive, you might ask if he's thought about speaking to a doctor. (Does your company have a medical department? Perhaps he can get a referral from an Employee Assistance Program Counselor.)

If he's truly belligerent or resistant, then you and your colleagues might need to speak with a supervisor about the situation. (Now it's really starting to feel like Junior High School!)

As for the second scenario, I'll focus on the issue of setting boundaries and making requests of an authority figure. As a youngster or as a mate, did you grow up or live with any critical "big bosses"? If so, this can turn a reasonable, albeit delicate, request into a feeling that you are making an unreasonable, selfish demand. I suppose there could be some anticipatory anxiety: the boss gets angry at you for implying she is heavy-handed with the perfume.

Again, take a tactful approach. by acknowledging that it is your biochemical sensitivity that's the issue. If she's a professional (not to mention in any way a compassionate person) she will adjust accordingly. If she's unprofessional, and basically says live with it, if possible, next stop the Human Resources Department. At least in the Federal Government, I believe this is a grievable issue -- a hazardous work environment.

So, screw up your courage, engage with these physical and psychic bogeymen and women and, of course...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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