Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A
Love & Relationships

1) A Boyfriend's Claim of Love
2) Married Couple/Business Partners Stress

Q. What do you do when my boyfriend claims he loves me but only calls twice a week and puts his friends before me?

A. Hey, if you are sixteen, I'd dump him. I mean, what adolescent can survive only talking with a boy friend or girl friend only twice/week! Otherwise, I need to know how long you two have been going together and what's an example of his putting friends first. Don't forget, they may well have come first; he may know them a lot longer than he knows you.

The question is: is he gradually increasing his shared time with you (and you with him) in his social and emotional world? Okay, relationships often start hot and heavy and sticky (like stuck like glue), but then you need to get back to a realistic sense of closeness and time apart. Even couples married need space.

Perhaps the key for now is whether the two of you can talk about and negotiate these kind of tough issues. Do you share laughs and good times or do you mostly feel unappreciated. Have you ever felt neglected in your family? If so, don't expect your boyfriend to fill completely that emotional gap. Again, in a healthy relationship, there's always a need to strike a balance between time together and time apart. Make sure you have a balanced life -- school and/or work, friends, a hobby, exercise --not just a "love life."

Q. I haven't found any info to help a couple owning and working together in a high stress (pharmacy) business. I have all the financial, clerical, purchasing non-rx supplies, sales of wholesale accounts in photo processing, problems to deal with and he works with the community, patients and Rx management. He is also better with managing employees. He has 20 yrs experience in the field and I came on when we bought the store and the last of our kids was in school. I had no training and no past work experience to help me. We are past the four year mark but our health and marriage are on shaky ground. Oh, we have four kids one in her first year of college. I have all the stress related symptoms, migraines, high blood pressure, and weight gain that I haven't been able to lose. I eat right and exercise and haven't killed my husband yet but any suggestions would be appreciated.

A. Suggestions for what??? I'll assume you don't want me to provide a referral for putting out a contract on your husband. Sometimes we need to learn that we've accomplished our mission and it's time to move on to another adventure. (No, not necessarily a new marriage.) Sounds like you took a risk, threw yourself into a new business without prior business experience or training and helped your baby (hopefully, not just your hubby's baby) that is, the store, survive it's most challenging phase -- the startup! But perhaps it's time to either: a) find a therapist or coach who does family business counseling or coaching or b) seriously consider letting go of your involvement with the store for the sake of your health, if not for your marriage. This doesn't mean your contribution wasn't invaluable. Just that now, perhaps, a non-family employee would be better for ongoing maintenance. It's not easy dealing with authority and autonomy, power and control issues in a marriage. And when working together, these gremlins are lurking, if not being played out, day and night.

I'm also aware your nest is emptying out. I hope this dynamic will not have you clinging to the "security" of the store. How about pursuing a job or your own business or get training, schooling, etc., in a field that you would really enjoy. Maybe something you've fantasized about but dismissed because the time was never right; you were launching others. Hey, you helped your husband grow his dream. Now, it's your turn to...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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