Challenging Commitment: Part I
Are you struggling with commitment phobia? Based on my recent existential, intimate romance and relationship crisis, I've decided to return to the charges leveled by a personal ad date five years ago. Upon hearing I had never married, the woman, challenged me: "Are you one of those commitment phobes?" (My date had been twice divorced, but who's comparing.)
Back then I had dismissed her with a song. Some of the lyrics:
Now Miss Blond Lady Attorney I know it's your nature to probe About my unlikely journey And whether I'm commitment phobe.
"You just haven't met the right one" She notes with sly empathy. "I haven't been the right one I spared you from neurotic me"...
Well I'm making up for lost time Having fun being center stage But evolution's become a crime Crucified by scorned-again rage.
Maybe it is a "C"-word: "Commitment," perhaps "Control" Or maybe life flows from the absurd Not by your timeline and goal.
(See my previous column, "Singular Man.") But now, approaching "The Big 5 0" and, once again, conflicted about intimacy...Well maybe, Miss Attorney had a (head) case on her hands.
So, if I may indulge myself and plumb my neuroses and narcissism one more time (by now, dear reader, I'm sure you expect no less) I will explore some signs of the commitment averse. Also, please don't simply view this exercise as a whining confessional. Think of it more as a public service. Ladies, and also some gentlemen, the following compilation may quicken and improve one's capacity for relationship diagnosis and reassessment.
Of course, I'm also writing to capture the spirit and wisdom of a psychiatrist (whose name escapes me): "What was once feared and is now mastered is laughed at." And as I inverted: "What was once feared and is laughed at is no longer a master" (or an "uber mutter." But more about primordial mothers later.) So...Stress Doc heal thyself!:
"The 'Top Ten' Signs of the Commitment Phobic as Gleaned from a Primordial Psyche and Everexpanding and Contracting Cosmic Ego." (Warning: This article may be hazardous to the ironically-impaired.)
1. The woman is objectively wonderful. She's delightful, attractive - tall, lean and long-legged, articulate, sexy and sensual, playful, artsy, well-read and "winsome" (or charming. Her word. Yep, I responded to her online personal ad. What can I say...hype, if not hope, springs eternal!) Looks younger than her 51 years. And mom would love her. Still, she's got some serious chronic medical problems. Can I handle all that responsibility and dependency? Me...The author of the narcissist's version of "Tea for Two":
You for me and me for me Oh how nurturing you will be. Forget "to be or not to be?" Just simply think of ME, ME, ME!
2. The lust still lurks. Now if the chemistry has come and gone, the question of hanging on is a no brainer. Perhaps an indication of true commitment phobia is wanting to back away, to create more space, despite the sexual passion. Is it amour or just wanting more, that "love addiction?" If it's the latter, how far behind can that aforementioned, dreaded "d"-word - de pendency - be? Better keep moving.
3. The three month wall. While lust remains, the infatuation has subsided. Horrors...I'm starting to see her as a real person - with strengths and vulnerabilities. And, I'm feeling pressured to reach a higher level of intimate relating. Things are moving too quickly. Are we spending too much time together? I'm spinning out of my self-contained orbit...
Maybe all the hours spent in cyberspace does make reality less appealing. Or was I attracted to cyberspace traveling and seeking because the actual world is never quite as vivid as my imaginings and flights of fantasy?
4. The romantic ideal. Am I caught up in the search for an idealized illusion, that is, the quest for the elusive and grandiose incarnation of my romantic fantasy - the "romantasy" object? Okay, if not the ideal, why not, at least, ongoing improvement? (Of course, she bravely countered: "You'll never find anyone better.")
The capitalistic cult of the better. It's planned obsolescence; the pursuit of endless upgrades. We do it with our computers, why not our partners? Plastic surgery and liposuction are not just for women, these days. I mean, with whom do you spend more time...your partner or your computer? (Oops. Maybe that's the wrong question. So how many of you out there have a pet name for your computer?)
Why should the quote of some earthbound philosopher prevail?: "Pursuing the unobtainable makes impossible the realizable." How about this cp (commitment phobic) maxim that's probably not very pc (politically correct): "Pursuing the unimaginable defies the boundaries both of the conceivable and the inconceivable!"
5. Finding Fault. All those imperfections. Surely some of her neurotic tendencies are not just projections of my own anxiety and deep-seated feelings of insecurity. Could I be that shallow? That unaware? Moi?
All this deep psychic probing can tire even a Stress Doc. I better come down to earth. Next time, I'll further push the exploratory envelope in the realms of the primordial psyche, my intimacy fears and ambitious fantasies. Until then, try this commitment: Practice Safe Stress!
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Mark Gorkin, "The Stress Doc," Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a nationally recognized speaker, workshop leader and author on stress, reorganizational change, anger, team building, creativity and humor. The Stress Doc is a columnist for the popular cyber-newsletter, Humor From The Edge. Mark is also the "Online Psychohumorist" for the major AOL mental health resource network, Online Psych . His motto: Have Stress? Will Travel! Reach "The Doc" at (202) 232-8662, email: Stress Doc@aol.com