The Stress Doc shares the fruits of a brief, unusual, recent correspondence with a reader who has no qualms about coming out of the depression closet. Specifically, the reader shares the strengths and vulnerabilities of her bipolar condition. A very thought-provoking guest column!

Out of the Double-Edged Closet

I have been circling recently around a column focusing on my experience with acute and chronic depression, and how I finally allowed myself to explore a techno-spiritual option. I hope to go to print Friday with my story. Well a reader is way ahead of me in her readiness to share her bipolar path. Shirlin or MrsGoodson@aol.com your poignant and insightful words reflect a wisdom beyond your fairly tender years. Readers...does any of this hit home? If so, I'd like to hear more about the highs and lows and the various strategies that have enabled you to struggle and live producutively on the depressive and biolar edge. (Of course, your anonymity is insured.) Shirlin, take it away:

I wanted you to know that I just finished reading your article on Creativity and Taking Risks in Volume 21, Issue 11 of Humor From The Edge. (For a copy, email me at stressdoc@aol.com .) I found the article not only entertaining but very informative and enlightening. I consider myself both creative and a risk-taker with but one major flaw .... I am bipolar. When I am on the upside, I am extremely creative, very productive, and no risk is too great. The downside to this seemingly positive trend is that a major (perceived) rejection can bring me back down again and into a period of severe depression. So ... in summary, thank you for your article. I find that education is the closest thing to a cure for mental distress ... that and St. John's Wort!

Shirlin Goodson

(Editor's Note: Mrs. Goodson wrote of her very positive experience with St. John's Wort. While St. John's Wort has been used for years in Europe for mild-moderate depression, I have not read enough about its efficacy in bipolar condirtions to quote extensively her experience. However, if you'd like more info, feel free to email MrsGoodson@aol.com .)

Shirlin followed my reply with this letter:

I just read your article on the four stages of burnout. I recognized myself in all 4 stages of the burnout as well as in the recovery recommendations. Knowing that I am bipolar, it seems like this must go hand in hand. Since I seem to "cycle" rather frequently according to medical standards, I experience some degree of burnout regularly, or maybe the symptoms are just very similar. Either way ... I found your article very enlightening as well as vindicating, as I'm sure others must as well.

The one thing I have found recently is just that ... enlightenment and vindication in the vast amount of material being published on depression, bipolar disorder and suicidal tendencies. Enlightenment comes from learning, of course; vindication from knowing that my problems are not just "in my head" so to speak, but in fact physiological. These two things are more valuable than anything I've found thus far.

To give you a little background on me, in case you are wondering, I am a 26 year old mother of 3 boys (ages 3, 5 & 6), I have been married to a good man for 7 1/2 years, and I do have a full time job on top of all of this. I work not only for financial reasons, but also due to the fact that mental stimulation is imperative to my survival. The one thing that saves me above all else when I am having a bipolar "episode" is work. When I am high I must have something to focus that energy on. We both know that the euphoria gives way to extreme mental dexterity, as well as incredible stamina. The need for sleep during this time is virtually nonexistent. So ... I take advantage of it but I am also smart enough to know that one must have rest to survive. I practice relaxation techniques to slow my mind down enough to eventually sleep. For example, taking a warm bath in subdued lighting, in conjunction with aromatherapy and maybe a little reading.

On the flip side of the euphoria, of course, is the "low" for lack of a better term. In the past during this time I would succumb to or drown in the depression because I was not equipped to do otherwise. I felt so lost and weak and worthless that I often dreamt of suicide to the point of hallucinating ... I would hear voices urging me, coddling me to just "end it all". I can count on one hand the times that it actually took another's intervention to bring me out of the vacuum, but those times were frightening, to say the least. Through education I am equipped with the knowledge that this is something happening TO ME, not a part of me that defines who I am and what I am worth. Therefore I can battle it without accepting responsibility FOR it. I become a warrior in the fight, rather than a helpless victim. To combat the depression, I allow myself to feel the pain without having to give in to the despair. This knowledge is the life jacket that keeps me from drowning, that allows me to keep my head above the water even when the tide is going out. On a physical level, I rest more and accept my limitations just as I would were I suffering with the flu or pneumonia. I have learned that the difference is just in the virus but not necessarily in the symptoms.

In addition, I suffer from very frequent and quite often debilitating migraine headaches. I know that this not uncommon for a person with any one of the ailments I have previously mentioned, from the abusive childhood, to the post traumatic stress disorder, to being bipolar. I also know that since 80% of the migraines I get are hormone-related or induced, there is little that can be done to prevent them. I have to treat them as they occur. I did not get relief from the Depakote and was told that it was likely that I would not. But, I am informed, therefore equipped and ready to do battle. I go on, not as a victim, rather as a person that accepts that "you do what you gotta do" and nothing less. And when I cannot "do it all" I forgive myself and just do the important stuff.

I don't know if you will have time to read all of this. I am not looking for a bit of free therapy or anything. (I've had plenty of therapy!) I was just in somewhat of a creative and sharing mood and thought you might appreciate the comments, as I do your articles. Thanks for everything.

I would be very pleased for you to publish my letter and share with others what I have shared with you. I would never want to keep such a victory to myself. I got to thinking last night after I wrote that letter and I've decided to print it out and tape it up in my office for my own future reference. As you well know, hindsight is valuable but not so accessible when we are in the trenches, so to speak. I try to chronicle my breakthroughs by writing about them or sharing them with my husband so that when I am engulfed I will have a way to access what I have learned. It's harder to believe a lie if there is documented truth to turn back to when you need it, yah know?

Well, that's about it. As for remaining anonymous, it makes no difference to me. Thanks again, Mark. By the way, that's my husband's name too! I always did like that name.

Sincerely,

Shirlin Goodson

I, for once, have almost nothing to say, except...Practice Safe Stress!

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