Dysfunctional Dynamics Inventory
Pursuing Higher Power Addiction
After highlighting my personal chronological addictions inventory in the previous column, I had hoped to write a more objective (read, less self- revealing) piece. I'm sure you understand. Sometimes it feels as if I'm pulling down my pants in front of the computer screen and shouting - or, at least, typing in bold caps - "FREE LOOK!" (Careful Stress Doc. Watch the boundary lines.) Perhaps I'm still under the influence of all those Mardi Gras celebrations while living in New Orleans. Sultry and sassy women baring their breasts from balconies and shouting, "Throw me something, mister." At least they got beads and doubloons. What do I get for baring my psyche and soul? Maybe less therapy bills. Maybe.
Anyway, I was aiming for a somewhat academic analysis and a strategic guide for transforming negative compulsion into pro-pulsion...But I got bored reading my own psychobabble. Aha! Exhibitionist tendencies and a low threshold for boredom. Definite addictive personality signs. Clearly, yours truly is the best case study for this series. So here's the next step in the compulsion to pro-pulsion "Transformational Top Ten."
2. Dysfunctional Dynamics Inventory. In hindsight, I clearly was multi- talented. I could deny my feelings and needs while craving acceptance from others (strong codependent potential). I also demonstrated some real immature, self-centered, addictive and narcissistic tendencies. No compartmentalizing or split personality system here. Dysfunctionally dextrous and proud of it. And I owed my Freudian black belt in both enabling codependency and personality disorders to mastering three keys of "self- defense": escapist, entitlement and egoal-driven maneuvers.
These three "e"s underlie both ends of a dysfunctionally other-directed to self-centered spectrum. However, the maneuvers take on somewhat different manifestations when in the service of enabling compared to its mirror function, negative empathizing. First, the enabler role is examined, overtly strongest in childhood; though Im not a professional social worker for nothing. Then Ill illustrate a capacity for narcissistic neg-empathy which, suppressed in adolescence, broke out in full force as a late 20s-early 30s doctoral student. (And, alas, a propensity for which I must be ever vigilant.)
a) Enabler. Basically, I shut down my real feelings in response to the family messages, "We can't handle any more stress" and, "You're not going to give me any problems." Yes, ma'am!! I became the "good child," an eager and endlessly patient listener. I avoided conflict and didn't learn to stand up for myself. I tried losing myself and hiding my unworthiness by helping others. (Escapist maneuver.) Virtuous and self-denying, I wasn't a mere enabler...I was an enobler! Unable to affirm my own feelings and needs, I would rescue others. Noble causes would compensate for my sense of inadequacy and low self-esteem. Go for the reflected glory. (Egoal-driven maneuver.)
I was a SHE MAN. The "S" stands for "Savior." The "H" for "Humiliation" and the "E" for "Emptiness" are the underlying motivations of the savior syndrome. Of course, I really felt hurt when people didn't fully appreciate all of my self-denial. Not only was life unfair, but I deserved special consideration for all my heroic sacrifices and misguided family loyalty. (Entitlement maneuver.)
Self-Image Distortion
And, ironically, when someone did penetrate the mask, and recognize some special qualities, I had to distort their motives and message. Heres a poignant example. In my sixth grade class, we were involved in a coloring design project, and my teacher, Mr. W., apparently noticed I was working with uncustomary energy and passion. He approached me and said, "In a couple of years, maybe you should think about one of the special art schools (in New York City), such as Music and Art." And my silent response, which saddens me to this day, "You don't think I'm smart enough to go to a regular school."
When talent is mixed with a distorted self-esteem, self-denial and excessive dependence on others for validation, its a vulnerable and volatile mix.. This is true even or, especially, if the person covers up his or her underlying inadequacy with compulsive activity and insecurity-driven, self- centered grandiosity.
b) Negative Empathizer. The transition from a self-sacrificing, savior SHE MAN to an aggressive, defensively self-centered mode is not that difficult. Like going from Dr. Jekyl into Hiding. This HE MAN is also driven by the "H" of "Humiliation" and the "E" of "Emptiness." Underlying this pseudo, people pleasing persona is one who is emotionally disconnected and hungry for recognition, no, make that FAME.
The HE MAN side came out in full force while I was a doctoral student. My dissertation topic was genuinely creative - based on a mystical-like experience in psychoanalysis - and, obviously, "off the academic wall." But that hardly slowed me down. You dont brake when you are chasing illusions. Id show those skeptical authority figures. Once and for all, Id blow up my lifelong shame and doubt baggage. Hypermania, if not arrogance, had me deaf to feedback and blind to a spiraling self-destructive path. I now fondly recall those days, "When academic flashdancing whirled to a burnout tango!" (Egoal-driven maneuver.)
In hindsight, my mystical experience as dissertation crusade probably defied academic protocol. But so what. Whether because of my "uniqueness" or because of a wellspring of lifelong hurt and humiliation, I deserved special treatment. If needed, I would play outside the boundary lines. And for a time a did. (Entitlement maneuver.)
When compulsively enthralled by the narcissistic quest, I could appear quite convincing and daring. I had found "the right or true path." (And, of course, I had. Hey, once a narcissist) I just didnt know how to journey on that path, especially carrying around a double-edged persona. Consciously and unconsciously motivated by perceptions of being gifted, yet also driven by feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness, meant I had a big humiliation hot button. Even with impressive credentials and accomplishments, the narcissist is often haunted by an aching gap between his "ideal" and his "real" self. Theres a chronic, looming dread of being exposed as an impostor.
So despite the bravado pursuit, living on the edge of shame too often meant rationalizing away or blocking out new learning and viewpoints. Being an awkward beginner is threatening. Better to be bunkered in my comfort zone. When error equals unacceptable human imperfection and failure or a "No" equates with rejection and humiliation, avoidance, if not phobia, props up defensive images and illusions (Escapist maneuver.)
Summation
Surely, grandiose self-centering, along with both a "one right way" and "on the edge of exposure" modus operandi, where rule-breaking and self- aggrandizing crowds out genuine relating defines neg-empathy. And if youre still not sure you want to give it up, consider the words of the French novelist, Andre Gide, from The Immoralist: "One must allow others to be right. It consoles them for not being anything else."
Having examined historical addictions and dysfunctional dynamics inventories, next up is biochemical questions and answers for transforming addictive compulsion into healthy pro-pulsion. Until thenPractice Safe Stress!
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