Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A
Love & Relationships

1) What's It About When the Guy Doesn't Make the First Move?

Q. Hi. I'm a female and 24 yrs old. I was really impressed with some of the answers you gave to the cyber questions posed to you. Perhaps- you can help me. I need an objective third party male opinion. I was working for a professor, and I noticed a male student around 26 yrs old looking at me. Several times there has been intense eye contact between us and he has stared at me many times. I wonder if I should have given him a smile or said 'hello' to him first? I didn't feel comfortable initiating so I didn't. Is it generally true that if a guy could have enough nerve to stare at a woman like that over a period of several months that he would have the guts to approach her? Therefore, he didn't hold a sincere interest for her in the first place? In which case I should forget even having any interest in him whatsoever? -Sincerely-->What do you think?

A. Well, I try not to play mind reader, especially when it come to opposite (or same sex) attraction. It's possible, like you, he doesn't feel comfortable taking the first step. Was he also working for the professor? Some folks become more reserved socially in work settings. (Not everyone has Monica/Bill personalities.)

Also, I believe a female has as much right and responsibility to initiate or engage in social feedback and even a little flirtation. Clearly, a smile or hello is just fine.

At the same time, I don't want to overlook his behavior. Maybe he isn't sufficiently self-confident; perhaps he feels a bit intimidated. Maybe you both are sensitive to rejection. And, yes, it's possible staring may have some hostile implications. He might be angry with you because he doesn't feel worthy of you.

But I think the moral here is act more assertively on your curiosity. In addition to that invitational smile, try a touch of coquettish humor, "Have our eyes been crossing paths for a while?" If he sheepishly acknowledges your question, you likely have a ball game. If he denies or gets defensive, he's not worth more time or eyeball energy. Just remember...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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