Church of Religeous Science

The Stress Doc runs a guest column from a young LA actress, comic and aspiring writer. It's a delightfully outrageous tale of spiritual searching and spoofing. And Florabell3@aol.com takes as much good natured abuse as she gives. The roof comes down when southern roots and Southern California religion have a meeting of The Science of Mind.

Never Go To Church High On Meds!

Last column I reflected on my spiritual roots. It was a poignant and poetic piece. Being a believer in equal time, I decided a playful satirical piece was also in order. Viva la difference! And when a reader favorably compares me with motivating superstar, Tony Robbins, well...My ego can be bought! Please remember, the name of this online newsletter is, Humor From the Edge. Florabell3, take it away.

Church Of Religious Science

One normal ordinary night, when I was feeling suicidal, I thumbed through the phone book to see if I could find a hot-line number, or something that would give me hope that I could find peace in my little life. I found myself at this ad that read like a church ad, except that I had never heard of this one before. It was called "The Church Of Religious Science." If I had heard of it, I would not have called. I have tried every flavor of ice-cream called Christianity. My discovery is this: The people that built Vegas are the same people who built churches.

Anyway, the ad read something like..... Hell, I can't remember what it said, but what struck me was that you could get someone to talk to you 24 hours a day.... FOR FREE. Being that I am a late owl, and it was 3:00 AM, I thought I would give it a try. I dialed the number and, sure enough, some little old lady answered. I could tell that I woke her up, but she was trying to act spry.... So I went along to see where she would lead me.

I can't remember anything we talked about, except that I asked her if this was like Scientology. She said, "NO! I don't even want to talk about that. It is a bad place and I don't care if Tom Cruise & John Travolta do go there." I was relieved to hear that too, cause I have heard that they are really after your money. You have to sign half your income over to them and so on... Don't quote me on this I'm just going on hearsay. I don't want to be on the Scientologist hate list!

Anyway, we were laughing and talking. That old lady talked to me for 2 hours.... She finally invited me to come to a church service.... Which I was expecting. But the way she asked me I wasn't offended and felt no pressure, which is amazing, because the sun rising is pressure for me. The next morning I asked Bill (my boyfriend) if we could go. He said that he had heard of Religious Science and that he would go. (I can't face God alone.) I was raised on these holy words from my Mama: "You better watch out, God is a combination of Bellhop, Peeping-Tom and Hit-Man, and He's gonna knock your block off... And I hope I'm there to see it!"

The Service

We went to their Wednesday night healing service. It's not what you're thinking. It's not like when the big preacher man lays hands on your crippled legs, and all of sudden you can enter the Iron Man Competition with Alexandra Paul (or was it Ru Paul?) from Babewatch. Nothing like that at all! I wasn't born yesterday. I was around for the Jimmy Baker Story. And my sister spent her honeymoon at Jim & Tammy's $200,000,000 Love Nest! Really, she did! I know, yuck! The original threesome. Father, son, and holy spirit... My sister, her husband, and the Bakers!!!!

I have seen a lot of stuff in my life, but I have never seen anything like this, especially in a church. The preacher was obviously gay. Now, I have got nothing against gay people. Some of my best friends are gay. It's funny when someone tells you that he's gay. And you answer, "I know." Then he answers, "YOU DO? How?" Well, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, or to be politically incorrect.... But come on! A lot of times you can just tell. I used to answer phones for a psychic service... And when I would guess that a gay man on the line was (in fact) gay, I would completely win his confidence... I could tell by his low voice being forced to sound like Diana Ross..... And the fact that he lived in San Francisco was somehow a clue. It's really not magic. I don't claim to be able to tell every person's sexual preference, but just trust me: this preacher was and is gay. He dresses way too cool to be straight.

I loved the fact that he was gay. It made me feel like I was rebelling against the Catholic church just by sitting there. This always makes me feel better. Although I would never burn the Pope's picture, I agree with Madonna that there are some limits in life. As far as I'm concerned, Madonna rules the world.

He was more than just a gay preacher. He was funny as hell. Soon I realized he was preaching a lot of the same principles that Anthony Robbins does.... I adore Mr. Robbins, but a ticket to see him is around $2,000 plus, and there is always the chance that he will pick you to walk on fire. This funny, gay preacher man was like an Anthony Robbins for free! Good enough for me, and no chance of fire (or brimstone): Science Of Mind doesn't believe in hell!

Then the preacher asked his people to tell him their success stories from the past week. One man got up and said: "Thanks to the healing service, I found a job after 2 years of struggling." One woman got up and said, "My daughter is recovering from brain surgery thanks to all of your prayers."

And then, I will never forget this one young, attractive woman (she reminded me of Stephanie, the poor little rich maid on "Newhart" for you Nick At Night fans), "Stephanie" stood up and said these exact words: "I would like to thank God for my new job... Well actually, I own my own business, and I want to thank Him for my success, and to pray for my continued success." (Talk about denial; her "business" was Amway!)

Now, before I tell you what I did in response to this, I just want to say something in my defense. Remember, I went there with Bill because I was suicidal the night before. I still didn't feel like I had much to live for. And I was doped up on meds that this sheister doctor had given me. (Thank God these sheisters are plentiful in LA.) I was moved to tears over the old man's new job as a janitor, and I balled my eyes out over the woman's daughter who was fighting for her life due to brain cancer.

But when this attractive, little miss priss stood up after all of that trauma, and said, "... and I want to thank Him for my success, and to pray for my continued success." A streak of jealousy hit me like white lightning (good stuff, my grandma used to make it) raising my body temperature to a boiling point... And as the woman was still speaking, I said, clear as a bell (and audible to enough people around me to make a jack ass out of myself), "AAAAAAH, SHUT UP!" I said it in the character of Alice Kramden, when she was cutting Ralph down to size.

When I realized what I had done, I froze. Miss priss took a pause. I saw a fake smile whip across the preacher's face. Then I heard Miss priss say, "I just didn't want to complain like I usually do." These were no longer words... This was a sword going in my back. Then a lady behind me said, "She has come such a long way from her depression, I hope this doesn't set her back." Sword twisting. Then the woman sitting to my right got up and actually left. The sword is bloody I am dead. Thank God! I wanted to die anyway. Yet Bill and I remained sitting. Finally Preacher man goes on to some one else.... Still we remained sitting.... Why am I still alive? I am not even breathing.

After the service, Bill looked at me and asked if I wanted to go get a piece of cake in their Fellowship Hall. I said, "Bill don't you think everyone heard me tell that lady to shut up?" He said, "Yes, I think so." Needless to say I did not want any cake. Well I did want the cake damn it, but I was not going to go get it. Believe it or not I did have the nerve to go back to the church...after awhile.

Bill and I are now church members, and taking classes. The day I introduced myself I told the preacher man that my first impression of him was that he was "An Anthony Robins For Free." Everyone just roared with laughter when I called him that. I had to join the church. They have been the best crowd I have ever had. One last note: It turns out that 80 percent of the church members are Recovering Ex-Catholics. How Radical! I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update: 6 months later, Bill and I have quit the church. We took one of their classes where they split us up into groups. Within these small groups we called each other "prayer partners". I began emailing my gay prayer partner on a daily basis, but when he started calling my email, "junk mail", I cut him loose. Now the idea of him praying to God on my behalf just doesn't have the same zing that it had before.

I am now conversing with the Stress Doc (his Online Coaching Program) and considering joining him on his quest as a Jewish Atheist. I wonder: Will I have to convert to being Jewish first, and then become an atheist? I don't care; I'll do anything twice. By the way, the Stress Doc is much cuter and more charming than the Robbin's dude.

The Moral of this story is: Never go to church services high on meds!

And, of course...Practice Safe Stress!

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Mark Gorkin, "The Stress Doc," Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a nationally recognized speaker, workshop leader and author on stress, reorganizational change, anger, team building, creativity and humor. He is also the internet's and the nation's leading "Psychohumorist." The Stress Doc is a columnist for the popular cyber-newsletter, Humor From The Edge -- <A HREF="http://hfte.funnytown.com/">HUMOR FROM THE EDGE HOME PAGE</A> . Mark is also the "Online Psychohumorist" for the major AOL mental health resource network, Online Psych -- <A HREF="aol://4344:972.doc.1264535.556723207">ONLINE PSYCH: THE STRESS DOC</A> and Financial Services Journal Online -- http://fsc.fsonline.com/fsj . And he is an offline writer for two mental health/substance abuse publications -- Treatment Today and Paradigm Magazine. His motto: Have Stress? Will Travel: A Smart Mouth for Hire! Reach "The Doc" at (202) 232-8662, email: Stress Doc@aol.com, or check out his "Hot Site" website: http://www.stressdoc.com or click <A HREF="http://www.stressdoc.com/">STRESS DOC HOMEPAGE</A>. (The site was selected as a USA Today Online "Hot Site" and designated a four-star, top- rated site by Mental Health Net.)

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