Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

Ask the Stress Doc Q & A: Love & Relationships AOL/Digital City--Washington, DC

1) Trying to Get Back In After You Split for Someone Else
2) He Said, "Yes. Now What Do I Do?"

Q. I went with this guy for months and I left him cause I started to like another guy. I regret it and I want to get back with him. He is still mad. Help...

A. I suspect you'll have to face the music; probably, more the static. Perhaps ask if the two of you could talk about what a bozo thing you did by bailing out. Let him know you are even willing to hear his anger. Don't come up with excuses why you left, especially if you're trying to reduce your ex's anger or even to not hurt his feelings. Perhaps let him know, if there's any truth, you learned a painful, maturing lesson. (He might enjoy knowing you were hurt as well.)

But most important, put aside your desire to get back with him. All this shows is that, again, you are just thinking of yourself first. Try to get current with the first guy, that is, by listening to him. Then determine if there is mutual interest in trying again. Btw, how did you end the relationship with the second guy? I couldn't resist.

Q. I really like this guy and I asked him out. He said yes. He just told my friend that he thinks I'm cool and that I will grow on him. I don't know what to do! What should I DO??

A. Don't grow on him. Give yourself time and space to get to know each other. Hey, remember the grass is always greener. Seriously, do you share common interests, hobbies, friends? Do you have somewhat similar senses of humor? (Not a requirement, but it helps.) Does conversation feel forced or can you talk pretty freely? Is the talk superficial or can you occasionally share real feelings? Can you risk gradually revealing more of your whole self -- strengths and vulnerabilities?

Finally, maybe ask him why he thinks you're "cool." Nothing like leading with strengths, especially if you like the same qualities in yourself. (And remember, you should be evaluating him as well.) Also, it's okay to acknowledge feeling a bit nervous at some point because you are excited; even a little scared. By admitting this you're saying you don't think of him as a casual friend. In other words, you don't always have to be cool. ;-)

And for all...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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