The Stress Doc's Q & A
Love & Relationships

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1) When "Love" Blinds a Gut Fear

Q. I have dated a guy for over a year and a half and from the beginning was very attracted to him and had deep feelings for him. Lack of emotional intimacy and communication seemed to be the major problem. I was open, honest and patient with him, but no matter what I did to try to understand him and build the friendship he always seemed too afraid to let me really know him. He lied repeatedly about everything it seemed and everything in his life was secretive. It seemed the slightest thing would be taken the wrong way & create anger in him. He would be kind and loving and then cold and distant over nothing. Did not seem to be able to keep his word and said no repeatedly when I made the smallest request. I felt something was seriously wrong with him from the beginning and felt a deep fear inside me. It was always "I want you, no I don't." When things got good, he would then make distance and be cold, repeatedly. This created constant confusion. I felt I was being destroyed emotionally by this and... [Size constraints ended the question at this point.]

A. The $64,000 question: What made you attracted to him and have deep feelings for him from the beginning? And the importance of this question is clear when you write: "I felt something was seriously wrong with him from the beginning and felt a deep fear inside me." Okay, let's assume there was some powerful physical attraction and sexual chemistry. Alas, that can disguise or mute some serious dysfunction. But you still had a gut fear.

So...were you ever in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship as a child or adult? I find people who have been subjected to abusive or abandoning relations (or, for example, are children from alcoholic families) often only know dysfunction. They tend to seek out partners who are ambivalent and hostile; these individuals fear and reject closeness despite their dependent longings. Also, the emotional empathy a young girl was not able to obtain from a critical/withholding parent -- love, acceptance, approval, etc. -- she often tries to elicit from a distant-needy partner. Only a distant or detached partner provides enough challenge to prove her worthiness as a desirable woman who can capture the elusive love object. A more emotionally healthy and open person wanting to get close...Well, the conscious and unconscious subtext goes: why would he want to get close to defective goods like me. There must be something really wrong with him. And finally, if the woman has been struggling with depression, recognized or not, psychological or biochemical, then she's even more vulnerable when it comes to standing up for herself and setting healthy boundaries.

As you can see, I wanted to place the focus on you. As for your ex-partner, he fits quite nicely the profile of a battering spouse! Out of control of his rage, a fear of his own hurt and humiliation, likely past abuse, a rigid need for control, especially of you, apologizing or being nice after a round of abuse, a deep sense of inferiority behind a macho swagger, that is often projected onto inferior others...Remember, those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it. I'm so glad you are out of the relationship. Consider a 12-step Codependents Anonymous (CODA) support group to solidify your growing pains and gains. And, of course, to help you...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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