Heart Integrity

The Doc goes confronts the dilemma of so many adolescent girls feeling pressured to have sex before their minds, hearts and bodies want to say yes.

Helping Adolescent Girls Protect Mind- Body-Heart Integrity

I've received a number of troubling emails. Young women, likely high school age (I hope), some not the most sophisticated, describe a poignantly puzzling situation. The writers feel attracted to a guy - some strongly, most ambivalently - and they want my opinion on the age old question: should they sleep with this fellow? Specific details are lacking, their respective ages, how long they've known each other, etc. My first reaction is basic: "If you have to ask the question, you probably aren't ready (or, more gracefully, should wait)." Invariably, I encourage the writers to be patient, highlighting other key points: there's a difference between love and lust (and guys' hormones at this age, in particular, are totally bent out of shape) and the unexpected (if not unwanted) life and death potentialities - pregnancy, sexutally transmitted disease, including AIDS. And a guy pushing you to have sex when you don't want to, even without physical force, may be engaging in emotional rape. So don't be a silent partner. I always encourage talking f2f to an adult -- parent (obviously challenging), relative, school social worker, spiritual advisor, also often challenging -- about these issues.

I also strongly believe that one's identity at this (and any age) shouldn't be totally wrapped up in a guy (or girl) or in an all-consuming relationship. Getting involved in skill building, college, learning a trade, a profession, an art, etc., is such a vital investment for developing integrity, confidence and fulfillment…and emotional and financial independence. These all provide the foundation, or at least give you a fair fighting chance, for a loving, more healthy than dysfunctional give and take relationship. (See, I'm not into perfection. Remember, the hallmarks of maturity are the capacity to work and love...and to know when to get into couple counseling!)

Patience, certainly at this age, is also encouraged in order to develop first a a solid friendship based on an ability to share genuine emotions, even some of the shameful ones. Also essential for a healthy and lasting partnership is an ability to face conflict and express anger constructively, that is directly and with some control, not in a passive, hostile or rageful manner. I also prize an ability to gently laugh at each other and to laugh together at our flaws and foibles. (I believe there is a correlation btween shared humor and marital happiness.) And, finally, I ask if the two have interests and activities in common, and whether they get unduly anxious when apart (e.g., if a day's gone by and they haven't spoken on the phone or sent sixteen emails).

I'm certainly aware of how powerful the sexual urge and sexual attraction can be, having gone through an addiction-like phase myself once. This hormonal heaven-hell cycle is especially marked if there is underlying loneliness, depression and aimlessness. Preoccupation about sex, being in love - that full blown state of "romantasy" - may be a great distraction from a life that is just going through the motions, no matter what speed you are traveling.

Now some will argue that casual sex is possible. For me, at least, the number of comfortable friendships that could sustain casual sex has been few and very far between. Adding sex to a relationship is not like adding ice to a drink. For most teens and young adults (and even for not so young adults) sexual intercourse turns on the emotional burners; all kinds of issues invariably get stirred up, especially current self-doubts and conflicts lingering from childhood. For example, fears of rejection and abandonment, the fantasy of never being lonely again, proving that you are worthy and loveable, etc., often surface with bubbling anxiety or unconscious fury when premature sex ignites an underground psychic-volcanic eruption.

Of course, my words will fall on many deaf ears. And there were times in my life when I wouldn't have been ready or willing to heed my own advice. I recall a 19 year old, the son of a woman who was my primary client, coming in for a few sessions. He'd been dating a woman for several months; they seemed pretty happy together. One session he came in and wondered, "What's the big deal about sex?" Being a Mormon, he was trying to save himself. Then one day, with a sheepish grin (and I take no blame here), he announced, "Oh, so that's why folks make such a big deal about sex." Hey, it still makes the world go round.

How about sending in the responses you'd share with these ambivalent adolescents and young adults. I'll post them in a future newsletter. Just remember…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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