Jewish Philosophy

One of my closest friends sent me a compendium of Jewish Philosophy: The One- Liner Edition. Carole, a fellow New Yorker, a product of Yeshiva grade schooling and a kindred spirit from my "American in Cajun Paris" days in New Orleans, received the list from her friend, Sheila, now living in Israel. So with this lineage, the list is definitely kosher. I must say, though, it gave me pause. Just what is my Jewish Philosophy?

I'm not sure my Jewish Philosophy, such as it is, is as tied to economic strategy as the list implies. Of course, as a multimedia performance therapist, that is, a voluntarily starving "Shrink Rapper" and "Online Psychohumorist," my economic philosophy is clear -- "Existential Capitalism": A belief in the challenge of never knowing how, when or where your next dollar is coming from!

Actually, I did have a chance a few years back to articulate my religious perspective. I was applying for a Visiting Faculty position at Catholic University in Washington, DC. I was finally ready to leave New Orleans. There were no more mountains to climb in the bayou. I really wanted the position. After sixteen years, I needed to leave the land of crawfish etouffe and soft shell crab; to escape the seductive clutches of the "Iron (hardening of the arteries) Swamp." (Believe me, there's a lump in my throat as I type this, and it's not just crab meat. As the song goes, "Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans?")

Enough digression. While highly motivated for a "transition position," the thought of teaching at a religious institution seemed a bit strange. After meeting with a number of the faculty, I said to the Dean, "Look I really want to teach here. I'm willing to be flexible. If it will help, I can convert to Atheism." I paused, then noted, "A Jewish Atheist. The worst that could happen is people will accuse me of being redundant." Well the Dean was cool. He affirmed that the school was pretty open-minded, then added, "Just don't let me hear you've become a 'Born Again Atheist.'"

Okay, so I didn't share my oxymoronic belief with the Dean till after I received my contract. He did laugh, though. (Hey, I haven't completely fallen off the edge.) And the Dean did not warn against "Born Again Atheism." He definitely had a wide latitude for employing oddballs and outcasts. The proof was in the hiring.

Well, enough of my mental meandering. Sheila and Carole, for your pithy pearls of Jewish wisdom, I heartily enshrine you both in the Stress Doc's StressBusters Club. (It's like earning a mid-life Bat Mitzvah. Of course, charitable induction donations are greatly appreciated. So maybe there's a link between Existential Capitalism and Jewish Philosophy after all. ;-) Anyway, here's a tasty sample.

Jewish Philosophy

** The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the whole.

** It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.

** Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah. (Ed. According to Leo Rosten's The Joys of Yiddish, "A mitzvah is a divine commandment, a 'good work,' or a kind and ethical deed."

** If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher. (Except my mother's potato kinishes. Yumm.)

** Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour? (It just means we shrinks are efficient.)

** Never pick your nose in shul; it's the one place you know He's watching.

** WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.

** There's nothing like a good belch.

** Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

** Never pay retail. (This is a venal sin.)

** The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

** Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.

** Always whisper the names of diseases.

** One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. (Now I just wrote about this in the burnout series.)

** If you don't eat, it will kill me. (Mom, you didn't think I was going to let you off the hook entirely?)

** Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. (You know who you are. Yes you do. I know you do. Don't avert your eyes from the screen. Ooops.)

** Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

** Never take a front-row seat at a bris. (A bris is where the Jewish male, very early on, learns about castration anxiety. Ouch!)

** Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

** The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the- street parking is suspended.

** A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.

** A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

** There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45. (It's just consideration. These days, Jewish mother's are living to almost 80.)

** According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

** If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.

** If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

** Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better. (Anyone want to start a "Jews for Prozac" fan club?)

** Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

** Schmeer today, gone tomorrow. (When you pile on that cream cheese and lox spread. Consider this philosophical piece, "Fat Food for Thought.")

** If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

And just remember...Practice Safe Stress!

Feedback Segment: How about sharing your thoughts on how you use humor in dealing with stress or moods, yours or others, in your personal life, at home or work? HFTE will run the best stories and, of course, credit you.