Listening, Learning and Leading

Technical Skill and Motivational Art
by Mark Gorkin, LICSW, "The Stress Doc"

There are several ways to enhance listening effectiveness, especially in an emotionally charged exchange. A fundamental technique is "Active Listening" with its four components:

1. Clarifying. Asking the other party to provide more information, to elaborate upon their statement or answer specific questions,
2. Paraphrasing. Repeating the other's message in the person's words or your own words, to affirm that "message sent is message received,"
3. Reflecting Feelings. Inquiring about or acknowledging overt or underlying feelings that are attached to the other party's communication; a tentative or tactful approach is often best: "I know you are on board, still it sounds like you have some frustration with the decision. Care to discuss it?"

Also, especially regarding the emotional component of messages, both listening and looking for verbal and nonverbal cues - voice tone and volume, facial and other bodily gestures, eye contact and physical distance - will facilitate more accurate reflection. And, 4) Summarizing. Reviewing and pulling together such problem-solving elements as mutual agreements, outstanding differences - factual as well as emotional - action plans to be executed, time frames and follow-up.

Yet effective listening is not just a technical skill. It is also an art form and a motivational bridge for learning about team members, modeling being a leader and, ultimately, sharing leadership with others. Here are three listening and leadership concepts I strive to uphold in decision-making and dealing with conflict:

And, if I can recognize any humorous aspects or stimulate some laughs by poking good-natured fun at myself, at my partner in conflict or, even, our power struggle...so much the better. Let me illustrate through my work with a small department of the Peace Corps. Tensions were increasing between a new senior staffer and a veteran regarding qualifications and promotion issues. And both were angry with the Director for her inability to resolve their conflict. Almost everyone in the office was walking around on "ego shells." Upon the recommendation of two staffers whom I had previously trained, the group reluctantly agreed to hire me as a consultant.

The Director, herself, did some Organizational Development work. Her pride was a bit wounded that an outside specialist was needed to tackle the in-house conflicts. The Director had announced that she wouldn't stand in my way, but she wasn't going out of her way to help me, either. (Not surprisingly, the intractable interpersonal issues were taking a toll. She was pretty burnt out.) Nonetheless, the Director was true to her word. She didn't sabotage my interventions which, gradually, started paying dividends.

One day, the Director acknowledged that laughter had returned to the halls. She then invited me into her office for our first one-on-one discussion. The Director immediately commented that I was "a really good listener." This had not been an easy step for her, especially in light of the competitive issues. I wanted the Director to know how "big" I felt her acknowledgment was. I pounced on the "good listener" compliment. After thanking her, I said, " You know, a high school French teacher helped me develop that skill. This was when I was down on myself, my life, including school and French class. The professor, Monsieur Gaston, during class unexpectedly addressed me: 'Monsieur Gorkin, I don't understand the problem...You have such intelligent looking ears.' So to achieve some balance between form and function (and to prevent future public humiliation) I guess I developed my listening skills." Well, the Director smiled broadly, then thanked me.

My personal anecdote had achieved the three aforementioned "listening and leading" objectives. First, I empathically acknowledged my own history with depressed moods and difficult periods. Second, using her compliment to poke fun at myself made me a humble winner. And finally, by helping the the Director save face, she could accept my support and eventually return to her rightful active leadership position.

In summary, by practicing "Active Listening" along with the "Art of Listening" you just may transform listening into a dynamic process of learning, leading and laughing!

Mark Gorkin, "The Stress Doc," Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a nationally recognized speaker, workshop leader and author on stress, reorganizational change, anger, team building, creativity and humor. The Stress Doc is a columnist for the popular cyber-newsletter, Humor From The Edge . Mark is also the "Online Psychohumorist" for the major AOL mental health resource network, Online Psych. His motto: Have Stress? Will Travel! Reach "The Doc" at (202) 232-8662, email: Stress Doc@aol.com.