The Stress Doc Letter
Cybernotes from the Online Psychohumorist (tm)

Fight when you can
Take flight when you must
Flow like a dream
In the Phoenix we trust!

Table of Contents

Heads Up: Media Exposure, AOL/Digital City Chat and AOL/Online Psych
Q & A:
Shrink Rap: From Emancipation Procrastination to Habit Transformation: New Year's Inspiration

Sect 2:
Main Essay: The Battle Over Editorial Judgment & "Normal Size"
Readers' Submission: 24 Signs that You've Had Too Much of the '90s
Ed. Note: "How To" Manual for Leading a Practice Safe Stress Program
(Part ll will continue in next newsletter or a special mailing)

Heads Up:

1. Media Exposure:

a) The outrageous media highlight this month involved the formerly undecided presidential election. The Style Section of the Washington Post asked for some helpful stress tips for the beleaguered candidates. The headline said it all: "Stress Doc to Bush and Gore: Face Facts, Chill Out!"

And the piece even got picked up in the Palm Beach Post.

Of course, DC now awaits the inauguration. Imagine, in eight years the inaugural theme song has gone from "Inhale to the Chief" to "Hail to the Thief."

b) Two enjoyable online holiday stress conferences in Dec.: 1) AOL Women and 2) WebMD on Yahoo.com. Thanks to all the folks who made these events happen.

2. Chat Groups:

a) Stop by my AOL/Digital City "Shrink Rap (TM) and Group Chat," Tuesdays, 9:30-11pm EDT DC Support Chat . It's a dynamic, lively, at times witty and always warm, thoughtful and supportive problem-solving group. We raise questions and share our ideas, hopes and experiences with each other.

b) And catch a first Thursday of the month version, 10-11pm EDT on AOL/Online Psych: OLP Chat .

With the New Year on the horizon, let me pose a traditional question: how do you break a self-defeating habit and build a self-affirming and strengthening one? Notice I didn't start in the plural, that is, focusing on all your bad habits. If you're like me, there aren't enough life times to change all our nasty and naughty ways. And besides, not just variety, but a little deviancy, adds spice to a life. Still there are some habits which enslave us, especially those consuming demons - like smoking, uncontrolled eating, drinking and gambling, or mindless and endless latenight boob tubing, for example, watching reruns of Gilligan's Island or WWI footage for the twenty-third time. For such fixations, liberation needs to be the objective.

Perceiving the Problem

Often when exploring a subject, I like to begin with my old Roget's Thesaurus. Looking up "habit," one discovers such synonyms as "addiction," "custom," "mannerism," and "nature." There was one choice that momentarily threw me - "clothing." But when I realized how many people are addicted to shopping, it made perfect sense.

The spectrum of synonyms is instructive. Some habits or rituals are quite useful. They establish a tradition or routine, thereby providing a measure of order, efficiency and meaning to a life. Alas, some habits can also lock you into inflexible mind-body patterns and inhibit your openness to change. For example, for years I resisted using computers; I knew I was meant to write with pen and paper. Actually, this close-minded resistance had more to do with my own technophobia. (Interestingly, I still compose original material by hand and right-brain, though now I love transferring a written draft onto a computer screen for tight left-brained rewriting.) Such personal resistances or rigidities often reflect or may defensively regress into phobias, obsessions, compulsions and/or dysfunctional cravings.

Out of One's Mind

I suppose the mindless nature of habit makes it a true double-edged sword. When a person isn't self-conscious, and has the routine down, he or she cuts through extraneous steps, preserves energy, and becomes highly efficient. Peak performance requires well-rehearsed, automatic responding; it also demands we bring a multi-faceted self - experience, skills, emotions, focus, spontaneity, risk-taking, etc. - into the arena. Top performers in any sport or art practice endlessly to achieve this integration of fullness and economy or elegant simplicity. And when this synthesis becomes automatic and unconscious, high performance athletes say they are "in the zone."

The zone is a mind-body mix of automatic responding, full presence and relaxed attention, along with total immersion in a task. But not just any task. The task must be a hard and desired stretch; neither a severe strain nor an underwhelming or lightweight challenge. The synergistic result is "flow" -- an unselfconscious experience, as well as an altered state of consciousness, where time and effort fade away to graceful intensity and self-absorption. A flexibly structured habit infused with flow allows you to deviate from an established baseline. It's easier to improvise and innovate knowing there's a familiar, experience-based internal safety net.

But before you run out to your corner personal trainer or shrink to buy a habit, remember, habit does not just culminate in lightness of being and creating; it also has a truly dark side that can destructively turn against oneself. This habitual state of unconsciousness and mindless routine seeks to numb and dull emotions and self-awareness; it prefers inertia or frenetic and distracting, even addictive, activity, and tunes out or ignores situational demands. Denial, avoidance, putting things off and taking flight take precedence over engagement and flow.

Motivating Procrastination

To illustrate negative mindlessness or aversive habit, let's examine a familiar topic - procrastination. It's a problem many of us are quick to acknowledge and, of course, slow to do something about. I'll define procrastination as the sequence of events that ultimately enables or compels us to avoid thinking and feeling about a disagreeable task, making it easier to postpone taking necessary action. Why do we procrastinate? Reasons can range from the logical to the psycho-logical. Consider these ten disengaging stressors:

1) not having the necessary resources, tools and data; lacking the support, for example, from management, to do the job right; also, doubting the value and purpose of the task,

2) juggling too many projects; you no longer believe there can be life after deadlines; first comes exhaustion, next "brain strain," and, then, one just gives up,

3) grandiose expectations and rigid perfectionism, our own or others, along with anticipation of being harshly judged, can make it difficult to begin, sustain or complete a project,

4) impatience and impulsivity; as a recent slogan in Humor From the Edge proclaimed, "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"; of course, there are many folks, not just Californians, for whom instant gratification takes way too long,

5) an underlying fear of failure; one is ashamed of being found out as incompetent, unworthy or an impostor; one tries to run from "The Intimate FOE: FEAR OF EXPOSURE,"

6) anger at having to do a problematic task, especially a task seen as an unfair demand, like having to get up in the morning,

7) you don't want to acknowledge publicly your uncertainty, vulnerability or anger and risk creating a shameful experience or conflict situation; that is, one doesn't want to be labeled as "slow" or "not a team player,"

8) to get even with someone, e.g., "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess this is the third time this week you asked for that report,"

9) to preserve an illusion that the issue is simply one of effort and attitude not aptitude or ability, and

10) fear of success, that is, if we are successful this time, what might people ask, expect or demand on the next project; a fear of being misused, overused or exposed often lurks in the shadow of success.

A Personal Perspective

My interest in procrastination is well-earned. In the past, I've struggled with this issue, especially in the areas of new learning, the freedom to be curious and school performance. As a child I had absorbed the tension both swirling around my household - an extended menagerie of mood disorders - and was agitated from the taunting and bullying of peers. I shut down my rage and put on a mask - the unreal, "good" boy. This contributed to my difficulty in focusing, concentrating, processing information and remembering. When combined with bright, ambitious parents who could also be quite impatient, anxious or judgmental and classmates who were high achievers, not surprisingly, I feared that my efforts would be inadequate.

Eventually, my self-doubt and avoidance resulted in a self-generating and self-fulfilling pattern. I would shy away from tackling mental challenges, like turning down the opportunity to play an instrument, giving up on art lessons or glazing over when discussing math and science. My esteem, confidence and cognitive-emotional muscles were atrophying. Addictive television watching, schoolyard sports overkill, mindless solitaire and card playing were staples of survival. Along with all the hair growing on my palms from so much masturbation, I was becoming a werewolf. At the least, I was divided from my real self. I was "safely" trapped in an avoidance and addiction cage, first, of my family's making and, eventually, of my own design.

Clearly, underlying the power of many of these kinds of aversive, yet, seemingly self-protective, avoidance elements are long-standing social-psychological, biochemical and perceptual factors. These may range from emotional states of loneliness, abandonment, learned helplessness, unworthiness, anxiety, panic and rage to mood disorders, attention deficit disorders, as well as learning and physical disability issues. Such challenging bio-psycho-social factors have roots in painful childhood experiences, genetic predisposition, maturational deprivation and traumatic encounters throughout the life cycle.

How did I escape from bondage? Here's the very condensed version.. Pushed by my father's desperate, yet focused, determination, my parents finally started therapy. Three years later, in my early twenties, I had the courage to follow his lead. With counseling under my psyche, my social work education and training could be truly instructive, not just academic. What I learned is that I had to face my family of origin and generational family history, along with my individual essence. I had to wrestle with the fearful inner demons and long repressed yet, smoldering, hurts and passions. I had to embrace the natural gifts and genetic vulnerabilities to be my fullest - most caring and powerful, most truly alive - self. And it can take decades to resurrect and sort all that buried bio-psycho-social treasure.

Liberation from Habituation

A long and uncertain hunt for treasure always begins with a first step. So let's return to our opening question: How do you break one self-defeating habit and replace it with a pattern of cognition and behavior that strengthens your skill level and self-concept?

The above conceptual framework will be the launching platform. Examining procrastination's relationship to self-defeating habit convinces me that numbing routine and rigid ritual is often dysfunctionally analogous to fearful avoidance and denial. Each of these defensive maneuvers deadens the spirit along with the potential for awareness and change. With a greater understanding of procrastination, you have the tools to mine your personal raw material. And with some coaching and practice, over time, you can transform self-defeating, mind-body patterns into new learning, emotional growth, skill development and some well-earned pride (maybe even experience a little creative flow). All this can be the outcome of a polished new habit.

Part II: The Stress Doc's "Top Ten" Habit Transformers

So here are the Stress Doc's "Top Ten" skills, strategies and commandments for "Breaking a Habit" and building upon your Emancipation Procrastination:

1. Choose a Habit. Target a habit that not only is objectively dysfunctional but also is a source of palpable psychic pain. Select a self-defeating pattern for which you can potentially focus "constructive discontent."

Here's a personal example, one that I will draw upon throughout to illustrate the ten-step method of habit transformation. Ten years ago, I undertook a major diet change after unexpectedly learning that my blood cholesterol levels were moderately high. Not being overweight, being basically fit, the scores were startling, anxiety producing and a blow to my ego. In light of a family predisposition to serious heart disease, a number of my eating patterns were definitely self-defeating.

A habit to which I had been fairly oblivious was now practically shouting for attention. As Pablo Picasso, the century's greatest artist observed: "Every act of creation is first of all an act of destruction." At the beginning of my fourth decade, a state of ignorance and denial had definitely been exploded.

2. Partialize and Assess the Problem. After choosing a target habit, select realistic problem parameters. Break a big problem into manageable bite size pieces. For example, if you want to lose weight, I don't recommend a cessation of eating. Nor do I favor having your stomach stapled, joining one of those all liquid crash diet programs or popping the latest diet pill fad. Instead, try gaining control by studying ways to reduce the intake of simple sugars and saturated fats (to 25% of your caloric intake, for example). If chronic depression underlies compulsive eating then, instead of diet pills, I'd suggest some psychotherapy, exercise and, even, an evaluation for mood medication by a psychiatrist. (For consulting with an expert, see 5.)

3. Establish a Challenging and Achievable Goal and Time Frame. One key to letting go of an undesirable habit is having somewhere new or something new to go to. Speaking metaphorically, if you are finally motivated to leave an island for which you have tired or outgrown, or are ready to break out from that which keeps you boxed in, you likely need some sense that there is a desired land mass to which you can migrate. Of course, believing you possibly have the resources and skills to cross the ocean is also useful.

In other words, establish some challenging yet obtainable goals; if you properly and gradually stretch your horizons and mind-body actions you should reach your desired objectives. Drawing on weight loss, again, here are two illustrative strategies:

a) reframe your goal from just losing a specific amount of weight to exploring a new nutritional life style; reduce some of the performance pressure from idolizing the all mighty, magical number, and

b) don't simply state an intention to lose thirty pounds. How about ten pounds in thirty days? Manageable steps in a manageable time table are not only more achievable, but also are healthier for your psychophysiological system. I'm not an advocate of shock therapy as the treatment of choice for habit change. Being startled, confronted and jolted out of denial is another matter.

4. Anticipate Grieving. Both before you start and/or during your habit changing program don't be surprised if you experience a poignant, if not profound, sense of loss. When I stopped having my nightly pie or pastry, gave up my creamy beef stroganoff soup and decided tuna fish with mayonnaise was not the eleventh commandment, I had a lump (and it wasn't crab meat) in my throat. I was saying goodbye to old, all too familiar, friends. And, if loss, loneliness, emptiness and depression or separation and performance anxiety are long-standing issues above and beyond your targeted habit, letting go will be especially troublesome. At minimum, a state of psychological withdrawal is a distinct possibility.

Another loss may involve the nature of your relationships with those people directly or subtly encouraging or enabling your old, self-defeating pattern. Now I'm not saying automatically drop these friends or associates. However, if your goal is to reduce alcohol consumption, then hanging in the barroom with drinking buddies is not the supportive environment you need. And remember, a non-toxic support system is often essential for life-enhancing change.

Learn to set boundaries and accept that some conflict is inevitable when you both shake up and take more control of your world. For example, it's important to refuse gracefully and convincingly your mother-in-law's second helping at Sunday dinner when you are feeling full. Take to heart the Stress Doc's "Basic Law of Safe Stress": Do know your limits and don't limit your "no"s!

Finally, take solace and hope from the words of wisdom of French author and philosopher, Albert Camus:

Once we have accepted the fact of loss we understand that the loved one [or loved habit] obstructed a whole corner of the possible pure now as a sky washed by rain.

5. Consult with a Coach or Counselor. If you can operationalize the previous four strategies, you may be ready to implement effectively your habit and behavior modification program. However, if these steps seem confusing or daunting or, even if they don't, consider seeking the experience and wisdom of a coach or counselor in this startup phase. A habit breaking coach will help you identify the strengths and vulnerabilities that you bring to the change effort. He or she will: a) assess grandiose, timid or rigid goal-setting expectations, b) provide tips and support for managing the uncomfortable emotions that are likely to surface and c) help establish a gradual stretch learning framework which anticipates forward and backward movement.

The smartest move I made to overcome my computer phobia was hiring a computer consultant. She gave me about half a dozen private lessons, walked me through the startup minefield and soothed my impatient and anxious brow. The money I spent on hiring this consultant was easily balanced by the sums (and psychic energy) I saved in not having to go back into psychotherapy over this raw beginner trauma.

With my eating transformation, a no-nonsense nutritionist friend read me the "diet act." She quickly interpreted the meaning of the cholesterol scores. She also explained why change was essential and what specific modifications needed to be made in my routine.

6. Take the Plunge. The objective of planning for negative habit breaking and healthy remaking is not to have everything perfectly figured out before taking the plunge. This is only a formula for endless preparation and procrastination. Jump in. As long as you can tread water and you know whether there are dangerous currents or where the alligators are lurking, you are ready for a baptism. You'll quickly get feedback regarding what you can and can't handle, along with available resources. You'll definitely glean insight regarding vital survival knowledge, skills and critical supports.

7. Seek Ongoing Support. Pairing up with a habit breaking buddy can make the "sturm und drang," the highs and lows, the ebbs and flows of habit breaking and change less overwhelming and more tolerable. Check in on a regular basis; even an email buddy is good. Share the progress and the setbacks: when you successfully resisted temptation and when, alas, you succumbed to those self-defeating tendencies. (Such as when I couldn't resist that cherry pie instead of the bagel at the coffee house.)

Of course, deviating from your plan is not a terminal offense. A slip up is often a disguised opportunity for understanding the vulnerable link in your habit-change goals, actions and resources. Which leads me to...joining a support group. I do believe in the "higher power" of group synergy. When people come together to confront their self-defeating patterns and distorted self-image, to embrace their pains and strengths while learning from each other new ways of being and doing, then the process of life affirming change is set in motion. And online/chat support groups that target specific problem areas are definitely cutting edge in the behavior modification-transformation arena.

8. Do It By the Numbers. Two numerical principles will help sustain hope and the change effort:

a) The 21-Day Principle. Not only is behavior modification an evolutionary process, it often comes in three distinct phases: "Unfreezing-Change-Refreezing." The first third involves acknowledging the self-defeating patterns and starting to let go. The middle third tries to incorporate new skills, tools, resources and pro-social activities. If the first third is depressing, the middle stage can be anxiety provoking as you awkwardly apply new insights and methods.

The final "refreezing" occurs when trial and error, along with practice, leads to those learning clicks and "ahas." The change starts feeling more natural. Using an example of learning to ride a bike, now you are no longer wobbling and weaving perilously, nor regularly falling off your two-wheeler. You are building up a head of steam and confidence; you're beginning to see the pass in the impasse. No more is the light at the end of the tunnel the proverbial oncoming train. (Okay, I'll sign up for an AA group -- Aphorisms Anonymous.)

Depending on how complex the habit transformation being attempted, you may need more than one 21-day change process. For example, it took about two months for me to shift from dieting (or concern about weight loss) to developing a new and natural way of eating while reducing my cholesterol scores to the low-normal range.

Finally, in the second and third stages, you may want to add a related behavior that both helps in the letting go and provides a motivational boost for making and sustaining change. For me, a powerful addition for changing my way of eating was the ritual of daily exercise. (Of course, an aerobic exercise regimen may necessitate another habit transformation process.)

b) The 80:20 Principle. Eighty percent of your results are usually produced by twenty percent of your activities. Clearly, this has implications for setting priorities and selectively investing time and energy. And most important, you can drop four-fifths of those nagging distractions without feeling so guilty.

9. Establish a Beachhead. One of the seductive traps about behavior modification is that sometimes there is early rapid learning. And then you hit a plateau. With no new gains (or weight losses) the inevitable frustration, discouragement and self-disparagement quickly ensues. Don't give up. While simple learning may occur quickly, the complex integration of a variety of tender mind-body patterns proceeds more slowly. Consider these habit breaking war cries: "Establishing a beachhead doesn't mean you've conquered the island." Don't get sky-high over quick victories or too deflated with some setbacks. It's (human) nature's way to ebb and flow...and to get knocked down. Remember, "many battles are fought and lost before a major undertaking is won."

I'll close this section with the hopeful insight of the pioneering scientist, Jonas Salk:

Evolution is:

about getting up one more time
than we fall down;
being courageous one more time
than we are fearful;
being trusting one more time
than we are anxious.

10. Pursue the Path. Many people become so goal and outcome focused that they overlook the importance of process and the quality of the journey. Learning is not finite nor absolute, especially if the transformation attempted touches your mind-body-spirit. As sports psychologist, George Leonard, observed: It's the path of mastery, not the path to mastery. Breaking, making and mastering a deep-seated, intricate behavior-learning chain is a lifetime process.

When it comes to habit change, one implication of this "path as much as destination" philosophy is to reward your small but significant gains. Don't wait to achieve your ultimate goal to pat yourself on the back or to share your efforts with others. Reward those procrastination busting steps. And finally, consider embracing my process-pathway mind set: I don't know where I'm going...I just think I know how to get there!"

Part III: The Path of Mastery

The previous segment outlined the "Top Ten" Commandments for Habit Transformation. By exploring and practicing this transformational "Top Ten," you will create an optimally challenging learning-behavior modification process. With this guide for letting go and rejuvenation, you will: a) achieve emancipation procrastination, b) tackle a dysfunctional habit, c) get into the flow -- whether of a state of consciousness or the ebb and flow of learning and life, and d) evolve new skills and supports while strengthening a belief in your powers to initiate projects, achieve goals and sustain purposeful and healthy change. I can't think of a better gift to give yourself for the New Year!

The 8 "P" Path of Mastery

The elusive path of mastery
The one all would like to find.
Eight "P"s illume the mystery
Fusing spirit, body and mind.

The initial "P" is plain to see
You can't close your eyes and pray
But must crawl and fall through infancy
To practice the night away.

Mastery, mastery
The body is a sanctum
Do you agree?
Mastery, mastery
The body is a sanctum
Do you agree?

Now practice nurtures progress
Unless driven to impress
Upon the fate of ol' Bjorn Bored
Beware shooting star success.

For the learning arc will go flat
What direction do you go?
The pass in the impasse...where it's at
So don't jump off that plateau.

Mastery, mastery
Our mind is the canvas
So let it be.
Mastery, mastery
Our mind is the canvas
So let it be.

Let the tension challenge assumption.
Light a candle amidst the fog.
Grapple with form and function.
Find a humble pedagogue.

A mind to expand your horizons
To cultivate prismatic eyes
For life's web of subtle relations
Partialize to synthesize.

Repetition now yields connection
The big picture starts making sense.
Forsake illusions of perfection
Grasp the mantra of persistence.

Yet know the wisdom of letting go
A time for waste ain't a waste of time.
Maybe not an infinite virtue, but
Patience brings forth the sublime.

Mastery, mastery
The spirit is the cosmos
That must be free.
Mastery, mastery
The spirit is the cosmos
That must be free.

The serenity of mastery
Reveals the depths of inner space.
And with mastery of serenity
The payoff is amazing grace.

So mastery stays a mystery
A rising and setting sun.
"The Eight 'P" Path" is an odyssey
To be chosen again and again.

Mastery, mastery
The body is a sanctum
Do you agree?
Our mind is the canvas
So let it be.
The spirit is the cosmos
That must be free.

Mastery, mastery
The more you know
It's a mystery.
The more you know
It's a mystery.

(c) Mark Gorkin 1992
Shrink Rap Productions

Wishing you grace, adventure and
Safe Stress for the New Year!