The Stress Doc Letter
Cybernotes from the Online Psychohumorist (tm)

In the first Stress Doc Newsletter of the Millennium (Jan 2000, No. 1), in the Readers' Submissions segment, I published a friend and colleague's "soap box" offering titled, "What Is Normal Size?" I viewed this as a provocative and poignant, serious and satirical rant about the trials and tribulations of being chronically and medically overweight. In fact, at the time of her writings, my friend was initiating an online weight loss support group.

When I sent this back newsletter to fairly recent subscribers, two women, both members of the AOL/Digital City "Shrink Rap and Group Chat" with the Stress Doc (Tuesdays, 9:30-11:00pm EST) strongly challenged my wisdom and professional judgment for publishing the essay. They both perceived it as extremely demeaning -- and not just to folks who are overweight. (A majority of our American adult population, as one of the women observed are overweight.) For the two women, the tract was a classic example of scapegoating -- whether the overt target is skin color, religion, ethnicity or body size. Also, they believed the author did not engage in healthy self-effacing humor but was projecting her own sense of self-image shame and inadequate self-worth. (I had run the piece in the Readers' Higher Power of Humor section. Perhaps not my most distinguished editorial decision.)

In our chat session groups we reached consensus: These individuals would write separate rejoinders to "What Is Normal Size?" Both commentaries are thoughtful, heartfelt, passionate, personal and well-written. Readers, I would like to continue the dialogue. Feel free to share your thoughts with me (stressdoc@aol.com) or with the responding authors (see below for emails addresses) about the original essay and/or the counters (anonymously if you so desire). I will post as many responses as I can in the next newsletter. Here is the original piece followed by the passionate replies:

What Is Normal Size?????????????

(Eds. Note. Some New Year's Inspiration. These two pieces -- alternately poignant, provocative and playful -- are from a good friend and colleague who helped start an online weight loss support group. Email her if you have questions.)

Normal size is being able to fit into a booth at a restaurant, a seat on the plane, buy clothes in the "regular" department instead of being sent to the department behind housewares, purchase clothing without an "X" on it, get your blood pressure taken with a "regular" size cuff instead of oversized, fit into a hammock without touching the ground, go to the gym - take a class - and not be the biggest one in the class including the guys, walk down the street without huffing and puffing, make love in all kinds of wonderful positions, feel sexy, be able to look in a mirror at your entire self instead of just the neck up, walk up a flight of stairs without thinking you're going to die, go dancing and dance the whole night, sit on a barstool size chair without worrying it will topple over, stop outweighing football players, buy bras at Victoria's Secret, (that's the secret), get pregnant without risking your life, put on a two-piece bathing suit, have a regular period, do without high blood pressure pills, hemorrhoids, allergies due to obesity, stop having heartburn or gas because of constant overeating, feeling more comfortable to socialize, see your toes without looking around your stomach, get your boobs off your waist, have your knees stop hurting because too much weight is on them, lessen the chance of uterine cancer, breast cancer, colon cancer, diabetes, heart attack or stroke, curb your arthritis because your joints are carrying too much weight, cure your constant depression, have a guy look at you and want you because you're attractive, crawl over people in a movie theater to get to your seat without making everyone stand up, get a massage without being embarrassed, go to the hairdressers for a hair cut and have the robe around you fit, stop having your friends and family around you "wince" when they're with you, stop thinking a new haircut, makeup earrings or shoes will make us prettier as we fail to look at what's going on between our necks and our ankles, lessening the chance people will taunt you because of your size, go to the spa and have the robe and towels fit around you, stop abnormal sweating because your body can't carry the weight around, stop the daily obsession, stop kidding ourselves that all of this doesn't affect us, and most of all, being "normal size weight" means no matter what - we don't have to carry the shame around any more (no matter what people try to tell us about self-confidence, we still face shame). Now, I'll step off my soap box. Thank you very much............

Diane's Rebuttal

One bright winter morning a short time ago, I was walking, enjoying the bright blue sky, the sunshine sparkling on the fresh fallen snow, and the cleanness of the air as I and the dog who accompanied me, made the 2 mile trek around the neighborhood. This walk has become a part of my routine, a peaceful start to my mornings and I look forward to them. As I rounded a corner, I passed a jogger coming from the opposite direction. Smiling I greeted him, with a friendly hello, his response to me was" watch out, wide load, better cross the street."

Suddenly, instead of the enjoyment I had been feeling, I went through a cacophony of emotions. I finished the walk, head down, fighting tears of outrage, pain, and shame. Whats more, I know that jogger had no idea how he had affected a fellow human being that morning. Lets stop for a moment and think about OUR reactions when we see, speak, or work with one of the 93,000,000 people who are overweight?  What thoughts come into our heads, what feelings do we communicate?

Fat people are no longer a minority in this country, though the media, fashion industry, airlines, restaurants would like for you to think otherwise. Still, "people of size" are treated disrespectfully, discriminated against and harassed, with full approval of society.

The damage done by this abuse can be all encompassing, and life diminishing. A cycle is created when we begin to believe that we are worth less than those who are politically correct in their size. Those of us who struggle with food, with weight, buy into those messages that there is something wrong with us if we don't "fit in." In doing so, we treat

ourselves with the same disrespect, loathing, and self hatred.

In all this, I have a simple question? Why? Why do we believe that it is"all right" to malign a group of people strictly on appearance? Is it the same misbegotten beliefs that feed bigotry against people of different color or ethnic origin? There has been so much work done to try to end prejudice, yet we applaud, encourage, and participate in the subtle, (and not so subtle) discrimination against a whole group of people without thought. There are few laws governing this kind of behavior (though in Michigan our

Equal Opportunity Act includes the prohibiting of weight discrimination in hiring).

What is more important, is how this affects so many people including our children.

Ask an overweight child what it is like for them in school. I know, I have spent a great deal of time healing from the pain of the taunts, threats, and physical violence that happened on a daily basis in school. Just recently, I met a schoolmate after almost twenty years of not wanting to see anyone from that painful period of my life. She looked at me, with tears growing in her eyes, and asked me to forgive her for the things she said and did in school. It was the first, and only time I have ever seen anyone come to understand the pain that they inflict with their behavior.

Insensitivity pervades our society, and we can't recognize the damage we are doing to each other, and to ourselves. I fear this the most.  I recently saw a rerun of a very popular sitcom from the 80s, where the interaction of the "star" with several children was used as a set up to the "joke"  with a small child who was slightly overweight. As the "audience" laughed and laughed at his expense, I wondered what he was feeling during this particular scene. What angered me the most, was this particular "celebrity" is known for his work and relationships with children, and even more so because he has dealt with prejudice issues on an ongoing basis.

Some might think, "well then, why don't you do something about your weight," "it's your fault, really, if you have so little self control." I hear those words from people, as well as the constant "try this diet," or "what do you eat," or "you would be so pretty if you only lost weight." Many people think these are helpful, when in truth, they only create more self derision, more self hate, which does NOT help someone with weight or food

issues. In fact for many people, it fuels the fire that created the problem to begin with.

It takes great courage to walk out into a society that holds such contempt for you simply because you exist. It is a shaming experience, one that becomes who you are, not just what you look like. Every thing you do, everything you say, your work, your thoughts, your beliefs are shamed, to the point where sometimes you join the same society, condemning yourself as cruelly as they.  For many victims of abuse, (and I believe that this behavior is abusive), it is easier to side with the perpetrator, less painful.

These are harsh realities living life as a person of size. I still have hope, though, hope that people can grow up, grow beyond the restrictions of their childish beliefs. True transformation comes through self acceptance, and caring, not hate, criticism, or fear. I know, as humans we have capacities for that caring and acceptance. We can help each other become whole, healthy human beings, by remembering that each one of us has our own story, our own gifts to bring to this table of life.

Next time you see someone walking down the street with a dog on a leash, smile, say hello, and be glad for the sunshine, the crisp fresh air, and the world we live in together.

Diane Everts

DE2920@aol.com

Lisa's Rebuttal

It was not a very long segment I read in the Stress Doc's Jan. 2000 newsletter's Reader's "Higher Power of Humor" Section....words carefully selected by a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with the intention of bringing laughter and a sense of lightheartedness to myself and a host of others.  I needed a lift that day...homelife and work were bogging me down, and I was rather depressed......looking for some comic relief to take the edge off.  I couldn't wait for a good belly laugh.  I eagerly brought up the newsletter on my computer screen and started reading the segment entitled "What is Normal Size?????????????"  One........two.....three lines.......and more......I became very confused then...thinking.....this is the humor section!!???  And then the words started slamming into the core of my soul.....the world stopped spinning on its axis......and a silence so loud and overwhelming besieged me.  Then ...... like some soldier in a combat movie having a post traumatic flashback, I heard a blood curdling scream issuing forth......."You're too fat!!!  You're ugly!!!!"  Now a primal scream welled up in me.....but it couldn't find a voice, for the pain it caused was too much to bear........then there was the awful wave of nausea and sweaty palms.....then...the next thing I know......I’m spinning into an abyss.....despondent.....I want to die......this is more than I can take......but no.......I keep falling into the deep abyss......it wants to swallow me up. And so now these words, carefully chosen to amuse me, have literally flayed my soul, laying open and making fresh again deep wounds of my past that had been healed over by other words......these other words were spoken in heartfelt love with the intention to heal and fortify my soul......so unlike the ones I had just read moments ago.....words.....just a few words......words written and reeking of bigotry and outright discrimination.....loaded with fear, shame and guilt.....everything I had so fearlessly entered and experienced again and again in order to heal.......and so now I was forced once again to face my painful and ugly past...all in the name of humor.  Oh!!!!  The anger and rage I felt!!!  I was flaming hot! The words had so blindsided me, endorsed by a mental health professional....a person charged with the responsibility of the care and restoration of the soul.  And then my thoughts immediately wandered to the other readers...would they feel the same thing I was now experiencing?? I couldn’t sleep...wondering if they were in their own living hell again......revisiting their fear, shame and guilt......would they, too, want to end it all??  Then..in an instant....the flashbacks again....I was in college...involved in a religious cult.....trying desperately to get out...daily brainwashing and sleep deprivation caused such a stress on my body, I began to experience stomach cramps and intestinal bleeding.  My weight dropped from 100 - 80 pounds in days.  Scared to death, I called my mother.  At a doctor visit, I learned I had Ulcerative Colitis.  The treatment was Prednisone, which causes excessive weight gain; you retain water and eat excessively.  Years later, I would use the same medication for Multiple Sclerosis as well.  At one point, I was eating so much and retaining so much water, I weighed 152 pounds.  My "normal" weight is 100 pounds.  Every time I went out to eat, I couldn’t seem to stop.  I felt guilty and ashamed...every time I went to the refrigerator...eating hand over fist of anything I could get a hold of...I wanted to die..overwhelmed with shame.....I looked in the mirror, and I cried.  I felt hideous..so very very hideous!  People I loved made comments .... "You’re too fat!  You’re fat and ugly!!"  I wanted to blow my brains out.....it was like they were

stabbing me in the heart with a hot iron.  When you live with chronic illness, you suffer excruciating pain on a regular basis.  You have to learn to transcend any fear, shame and guilt you have if you intend to survive and live a "normal" life........or..........lose your mind.  You blame yourself for everything and anything...you feel totally responsible for the disease you have - even though it’s not your fault.

I went to my neurologist for a routine visit.  He made a remark about my weight gain and jokingly told me I could "solve the problem" by "losing your jugs", just barely touching my breasts.....more shame...more guilt.......another flashback.......not good enough!!!!  Not pretty enough!!!!  Another hot iron thrust through my heart....then.....with a lightning clap, I’m back in the present moment.....a more recent flashback.....my well meaning friends are with me......they come up to me and say "Lis’?? Are you ok?  You don’t look so good.  You’re too skinny!!".  And I have to relive everything AGAIN for the umpteenth time.  "You see", I say, "I had colon surgery, and I’m not on steroids anymore.  This is what I’m supposed to look like.  This is my "normal" weight".  My heart hurtles into the abyss.  Too fat!!  Too skinny!!  Damned if I am....damned if I’m not....a no-win situation.  No matter what I do......no matter what I say........I’m not good enough.......not "acceptable".  Will somebody please enlighten me?  What IS normal size?????????????  And who decides what normal is??  And why do the rules change midstream?? Please tell me...why is having a medical reason more "acceptable" than "because I just love to eat"?  Will somebody please just tell me??  Why is it we attach so much to the superficial....to good looks? What are we really afraid of, huh? 

In the opening lines of her raw and visceral song "Pieces of You", Jewel Kilcher says it all:  / She’s an ugly girl, does it make you want to kill her? / She’s an ugly girl, do you want to kick in her face? / She’s an ugly girl, she doesn’t pose a threat. / She’s an ugly girl, does that make you feel safe? / Ugly girl, ugly girl, do you hate her / cause she’s pieces of you? /

Discrimination and bigotry have so shattered all mankind into pieces..pieces of me and pieces of you.......all mingled together.......have we forgotten the inward man?  What about the beauty of the heart and its adornment of love, gentleness, warmth, honor, dignity and respect?  What about the heart.......................?

Lisa Moderacki

ModerackiL@aol.com

"Higher Power of Humor" Section

24 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's

From: We4and@aol.com

1.  You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2.  You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3.  You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4.  Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5.  You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbour yet this year.

6.  You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

7.  You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

8.  Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail in box asking you to send her a

JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

9.  You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

10.  You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

11.  The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

12.  Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

13.  Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

14.  You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

15.  Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

16.  Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

17.  You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

18.  You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

19.  You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

20.  You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21.  You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

22.  You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  :)

23.  You're reading this.

24.  Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

Seek the Higher Power of Humor:

May the Farce Be with You!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, "The Stress Doc,"™ is the Internet's and America Online's "Online Psychohumorist"™. An experienced psychotherapist, "The Doc" is a nationally recognized speaker, and training and OD consultant specializing in Stress, Anger Management, Reorganizational Change, Team Building and HUMOR! An expert advisor for www.AdviceZone.com and iVillage/allHealth, his writings are syndicated by iSyndicate.com and appear in a wide variety of online and offline forums and publications, including AOL/Online Psych and Business Know How, Mental Health Net, 4Therapy.com, WorkforceOnline, HRHub.com, SelfhelpMagazine.com, Financial Services Journal Online, OpportunityWorld and Counseling Today. Recently, he has been quoted and/or featured in such publications as Biography Magazine, Cosmopolitan Magazine, Bloomberg Report/News, Forbes Magazine, FoxNews.com, Dallas Morning News and The Washington Flyer. The Doc also leads his national "Shrink Rap and Group Chat" for AOL/Digital City and WebMD.com. Check out his USA Today Online "Hotsite" Website -- www.stressdoc.com . For info on his workshops or for his free newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 202-232-8662. Jan 2001, look for Practice Safe Stress with the Stress Doc, published by AdviceZone.com.

(c) Mark Gorkin 2000

Shrink Rap™ Productions