The Stress Doc Letter
Cybernotes from the Online Psychohumorist ™
OCT 2008, No. I, Sec. I
Fight when you can
Take flight when you must
Flow like a dream
In the Phoenix we trust!
Table of Contents
Section I
Shrink Rap I: Psychology and Passionate Art of Quick Performance
Turnaround
Shrink Rap II: The Art and Science of Active Listening: CPRS Method
Readers: Grid's Appreciation, Bread Crumbs,
Testimonials: 40Plus
Offerings: Books, CDs, Training/Marketing Kit: Email
stressdoc@aol.com or go to
www.stressdoc.com for more info.
Section II
Main Essay: Transforming Crisis “Danger” into Dynamic “Opportunity”
Reader's Response: Merger Wedding
Overview:
Section I:
1) Shrink Rap I: "The Psychology, Reworking and Passionate Art behind
Quick Performance Turnaround." Criticism on a performance evaluation captures
the Stress Doc's attention and leads to some strategic adaptations.
2) Shrink Rap II: "The Art and Science of Active Listening: CPRS
Method." The Doc's CPRS method provides skills and strategies for reviving
communication in endangered relationships.
Section II:
1) Main Essay: "Transforming Crisis “Danger” into Dynamic
'Opportunity.'” Three frameworks of crisis challenge the all-is-lost lay
conceptulization. In addition, three creative crisis tools are highlighted and
an "out-rage-ous" vignette illustrates concepts and tools in action.
[Due to length, entire essay is an attachment.]
Stress
Brake I:
The
Psychology, Reworking and Passionate Art behind Quick Performance Turnaround
No matter how many times I've gone through this tango, when it happens I feel
like my partner has abruptly walked away leaving me dazed on the dance floor
feeling exposed and rejected: "I tried so hard…wasn't I good enough?"
Actually, I'm referring to critical feedback from township employees after a
recent three-hour training program: some people felt there was "not enough
stress coping skills" provided; one evaluation write-in labeled the training "a
big gripe session"; and another person even said I was "boring." Me…boring!!!
And while there were several positive comments, I expect much stronger reviews.
From a more rational perspective, I can place some of the comments in a larger
context: several people didn't want to partake in this HR-mandated training,
mandated because of several workplace incidents between employees of different
cultural-ethnic groups. (Depending on your perspective the
interpersonal-cultural problems involved either insensitive and hostile humor or
political correctness run amok.) And HR acknowledged they hadn't really
explained to employees why the training was being held. So the evaluations may
reflect some displacement of frustration and confusion. However, both a bruised
ego and my performance-driven nature won't allow me to put aside the comments.
And yet, I must basically do just that. Less than an hour after scanning the
evaluations I'm repeating the program with another group of forty. (The HR
person sent out evaluation forms at the eleventh hour.) Feeling decidedly
deflated, I even wondered about the quality and intensity of my stage energy and
focus. Basically, I'm cycling between a depressed mood and anxiously waiting in
the wings, fists clenched, just wanting the bell to sound.
Finally, the HR Director does the introductions. (The second group had a brief
email heads up regarding the workshop purpose.) I then do my opening routine
and, as the presentation unfolds, come to realize that, without forethought or
full consciousness, I have made some small yet significant shifts in my
presentational substance and style. And the program turns out to be smash, at
least based on immediate post-workshop oral feedback from participants and the
HR Director. What happened? Why such a difference? Consider these Four
Keys for a Quick Performance Turnaround:
1. Take Time for the Pain. While initially fearing being psyched out,
in fact staying with the painful feedback, once in performance gear, actually
fired me up. I sensed a determination to make whatever corrections would be
necessary to connect with and wow the audience. It's a two-fold challenge:
high performers, to use a baseball metaphor, must have an ability to put a blown
save behind them. The next night they are back on the mound, expecting to throw
their best stuff. At the same time, these pros mine the one or two nuggets of
useful data revealed by an unsuccessful outing. As noted author, F. Scott
Fitzgerald, observed: "The test of a first rate intellect is the capacity to
hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability
to function. For example, one should see things as hopeless yet be determined
to make them otherwise."
2. Edit, Edit, Bullets, Bullets. I was wounded by the "boring"
comment. (You know the old saw: "Vanity thy name is Gorkin.") After briefly
licking my wounds, I came out with my mind racing. I intuited that a turnaround
key was shortening my lecture points to the essential informational bullets and
moving quickly into the interactive exercises. Less background material meant
it was easier for folks to sort the "hands on" tools from the theory. People
were not going to have time to feel bored. I also replaced a more conceptual
model and somewhat intimate group exercise with a quick, one-on-one, giving and
receiving criticism role play. Some of the previous dissatisfaction may have
been triggered by too much vulnerability. In fact, in the first program, during
an exercise report back segment, one group did not feel safe to share their
discussion points because of the presence of a particular manager. In summary,
a consequence of my pain and frustration was risking letting go of the familiar
presentational progression; I was ready to cut, run, mix it up and shoot from
the lip.
3. Bring On the Passion. Cutting back the lecture and hitting the
bullets helped punch up and animate my delivery, especially as I was feeding off
the energy building through engagement with the audience. We were motivating
each other. However, my intensity was seemingly rubbing at least one gentleman
the wrong way. He suggested I take it easy, and then made a couple of other
subtly disparaging comments before finally saying, "Now don't get stressed."
Of course, he was being a provocateur, trying to boost himself at my expense.
Hey, bring it on. I know wise guys. In fact, one of my stated goals in life:
to be a "wise man and a wise guy!" Actually, this kind of test fires my brain.
My response: "If I was under stress it was 'good stress.'" (We had talked
earlier about good stress creating an optimal level of challenge and focus
thereby generating a sense of vitality and contributing to peak performance.) I
then reframed my behavior as being "passionate," and reflecting my strong belief
in the subject and of "walking the talk." Personalizing the interplay with an
audience member (without taking it personally) makes it easier for a presenter
to speak from the head and the heart.
I even injected a little provocative humor by asking the group, "What's the
first word that comes to mind when you hear "passion"? With a little
encouragement, someone called out "sex." Then my rejoinder: "We know what the
"s"-word for passion is in the DC area…Or what it used to be. It used to be
"Senator" but then Bill Clinton ruined my joke!" Definitely gets a mix of
laughs and groans, further relaxing the room.
Actually, the "s" word for passion is "suffering," as in the "Passion Play."
And I shared how in one workshop a participant free associated to the word
"passion" with "Rosa Parks." Obviously, a powerful buzzword on a program
related to cultural diversity and conflict. Speaking your audience's language
is an interpersonal bridge.
Finally, allowing myself to be challenged by an audience member and engaging in
some playful and passionate repartee, established another level of audience
connection. Many people enjoy a bit of razzing of a speaker or leader, bringing
him or her a little more down to earth or, at least, reducing some of the status
distinctions. (This is why many effective leaders, Abraham Lincoln, being an
obvious example, engage in self-deprecating humor.) But the most important
reason for engaging an antagonist or potential disrupter: the audience wants to
know that the authority can handle this challenge or competition effectively and
non-defensively. Ultimately, such interplay strengthens both the confidence in
the presenter and the trust and safety level in the room.
4. Make Time for Positive Problem-Solving. I typically close my
programs with a signature "Team Discussion/Team Drawing Exercise." The exercise
divides the large group into teams of four or five, and asks the teams to
"Identify Causes of Workplace Stress and Conflict." The teams have about ten
minutes for discussion and then ten minutes to transform the discussion points
into a group picture. The images are invariably "out-rage-ous," that is,
the process of drawing sinking ships and sharks in the water or stalking, fire
breathing dragons, helps people draw out their angry feelings, instead of acting
them out. (Email stressdoc@aol.com for more information about the
exercise.) The exercise also involves both a "gallery walk" and a "show and
tell," with each group discussing their picture's issues and symbols with the
entire audience.
Due to time constraints, however, the first program ended with my encouraging
attendees to use the stress factors identified in the drawings to stimulate
problem-solving discussion during their regular team meetings. For the second
outing, I knew to leave time to do follow-up problem-solving during the
program. Especially in organizations or divisions where there is a good bit of
existing tension, when you just illustrate the stressors and sources of conflict
and don't follow with group brainstorming of positive strategies and
recommendations, there can be a sense that the exercise was too negative or that
the organization is left hanging. That is, the shortcomings of the organization
are being highlighted while the strengths are overlooked. And a common
refrain: "Great, we know the stressors…but what are we supposed to do about
them?"
And while some believe allowing attendees to identify and vent their frustration
with workplace stressors is "being negative" or encouraging a "gripe session,"
in fact, when management demonstrates a willingness to listen genuinely to
employees' concerns, a first step toward increasing trust has been taken:
management is not afraid of hearing some "bad news." And in the second program,
the HR Director announced she would be starting volunteer, employee-supervisor
focus groups to implement problem-solving ideas generated in the workshops.
Clearly, having an ally helps the turnaround cause!
In summary, four keys to recovering from substandard performance and generating
a quick turnaround have been identified: 1) Take Time for the Pain, 2) Edit,
Edit, Bullets, Bullets, 3) Bring On the Passion and 4) Make Time for Positive
Problem-Solving. Absorbing the negative evaluations helped generate a rapid
learning curve and a transitional space that facilitated closing the gap between
aspiration and current position. And perhaps the most important consequence of
these keys was the induction of a powerful role shift -- from presenter to
orchestra leader. Now I was consistently helping other people bring out their
best music!
Stress
Brake II:
The
Science and Art of Active Listening:
The Stress Doc's CPRS Method
There are several ways to enhance listening effectiveness, especially when
engaged in a complex or emotional exchange. A fundamental technique is "Active
Listening." Here's an acronym to help transform less than attentive or
self-centered listening into clear, concise and compassionate communication.
Are you ready to revive a give and take relationship; are you ready to be an
assertive and empathic communicator; are you ready to practice CPR and
S?
Key Components of "Active Listening":
C. Concern and Clarification
a. Concern. The best way to start an engaging conversation is to give
someone undivided verbal and nonverbal attention. Relaxed yet alert posture,
eye contact, modulated voice tone, etc. are essential for effective listening.
(Naturally, as the communication begins to flow, there's more room for a wider
array of facial expressions, bodily gestures and shared laughter.) As much as
possible, the active communicational receiver wants not just to get the sender's
message, but desires to better understand the person and their situational
context. And asking questions that gives the other party a chance to speak
their mind (and if desired, to also speak from the heart) defines "concern."
Yet showing empathy doesn't mean there isn't room for difference. As I like to
say, "Acknowledgement does not necessarily mean Agreement." That is, a
communicator can both listen attentively and respectfully and after taking in
the message share his or her differing and even troubled perspective.
b. Clarification. Clarification involves asking the other party to
provide more information, to elaborate upon a statement or answer specific
questions. A clarification attempt is not an inquisitorial, "Why did you do
that?" It's more a recognition that something is not clear; perhaps the
listener has some confusion and desires more information, again, for better
understanding. And clarification should not be the springboard to a harsh or
blaming "You"-message and/or a dismissive judgment, e.g., "You're wrong" or "You
don't really believe that, do you!" A much better response is, "I disagree," "I
see it differently" or "My data says otherwise."
P. Paraphrase and Pause
a. Paraphrase. Paraphrasing involves repeating the other's message in
the person's words or in your own distillation, to affirm, "Message sent is
message received." Sometimes, especially if a sender has conveyed a significant
amount of information or complex instructions, it's wise to say, "I know I just
said a lot. Would you paraphrase back what you heard?" Again, the motive is
not to catch the other but to have both parties on the same page.
b. Pause. In a "T n T" (Time- and Task-driven) world, communicators
often feel they have to cram in the info as time is limited. Providing people
with a lengthy, seemingly endless laundry list almost assures that key issues
and ideas will be lost in the verbiage. Learning to pause, to segment or chunk
your message helps the receiver catch the gist without fumbling the ideas,
intentions or implications. (The communicational analogy might be writing
concisely, using short and to the point paragraphs.) Momentary breaks from the
back and forth also allow the parties to ponder and posit new possibilities.
Now active listening may morph into creative listening.
R. Reaction vs. Response and Reflect Feelings
a. Reaction vs. Response. Reactive listening usually occurs when you
feel threatened or angry and then immediately engage in a counterargument
(covert or verbalized). Unbiased or flexible listening has ended. Upon sensing
an opening, for example, perceived inconsistency or irrationality in the
message, you reject or talk over the message and basically dismiss the
messenger. Or, some end a contentious listening process with a quick and
reactive retreat: "You've hurt me" or "You made me upset" and the receiver
vacates the communicational field and avoids an honest exchange. (Clearly, if
one party is being abusive, and it does not feel safe to voice your position,
then retreating is a wise strategy.) In contrast, a response often blends both
head and heart and involves the use of an "I" message: "I'm concerned about
what I'm hearing" or "I sense there's a problem. Is my assessment on target?"
An “I”-message response is the opposite of a wildly emotional or knee-“jerk”
reaction; it takes personal responsibility for both receiving and giving
feedback. Shifting from blaming "You" messages to assertive and empathic "I"s
transforms a defensive reaction into a reasoned response. So "count to ten and
check within."
b. Reflect Feelings. To reflect someone's feelings means to lightly or
kindly ask about or to acknowledge overt or underlying feelings that are
attached to the other party's communication. A tentative or tactful approach is
often best: "I know you are on board, still it sounds like you may have some
frustration with the decision. Care to discuss it?" Sometimes you may not know
what the other is feeling. Instead of trying to guess or saying, "Gee you must
be angry," if you want to comment, better to say, "When I've been in a similar
situation, I found myself becoming…" And then pause; give the other person time
to respond or not. Also, especially regarding the emotional component of
messages, both listening and looking for verbal and nonverbal cues -- voice tone
and volume, facial and other bodily gestures, for example, lowered head and eyes
or arms crossed over the chest -- will facilitate more accurate reflection or
discretion.
S. Strategize and Summarize
a. Strategize. Strategic listening takes active listening to a next
level. The goal is more than awareness and empathy. Now you want to invite the
other to engage in a mutual, problem-solving dance. Common and disparate,
structured and spontaneous ideas and emotions as well as goals and objectives
are freely shared, akin to a brainstorming. Though in this strategic interplay
questioning for understanding and for triggering imaginative possibilities is
encouraged. The purpose of such strategic back and forth is "synergy" -- a
sharing-listening-sharing dialogic loop yielding an expanded understanding:
the consciousness whole is greater than the sum of the communicational parts.
b. Summarize. Finally, you are ready to review and pull together such
problem-solving elements as mutual agreements, outstanding differences --
factual as well as emotional -- broad strategies and action plans to be executed
(including the responsible parties), time frames, ongoing monitoring or interim
report back and follow-up procedures. And depending on the communicational
context, a written summary is often advisable.
In the spirit of walking the talk, here's a succinct summary of the "Keys to
Active or CPRS Listening":
Concern -- verbal and nonverbal attention, empathy and acknowledgement with
room for difference
Clarification -- clear up confusion and foster greater understanding without
passing premature judgment
Paraphrase -- two-way repeating or distilling of the message so that
"message sent is message received"
Pause -- take time to chunk your message, allowing the other to get the gist
and ponder possibilities
Reaction vs. Response -- "count to ten, check within" to respond with
assertive "I"s not blaming "You"s
Reflect Feelings -- tactful questioning or sharing acknowledges self/other
and invites emotional reflection
Strategize -- generate mutual listening-sharing loop for both idea
generation and insightful imagination
Summarize -- review and record agreements, unresolved differences and future
problem-solving steps.
Readers'
Submissions
Sep 29, 2008
Hi Mark,
Remember grid555????? LOL just wanted to say I always enjoy your articles and
try to take the time to read them all. STRESS....not a four letter word but
rather a magnetic (negative and positive) six letter word...the trick is in
managing it.
My life has really changed from being an unemployed CPA..to someone very
ill...to someone disabled ..to someone who has taken a for ever in life change
of directions.
Hubby ran off with another woman, LOL...what a hit to the ego and after all my
pain (stress) I said, "From this day forward I'm only going to follow my
passions in life." I have now started on a part time basis my own dog training
business and it is taking off faster than I can even imagine !!!!!!! (Here is
the name of my business: "Dog Time 2 Smiles")
Mark, your not going to believe but in a small way you helped me find this road
and (helped me) survive to get here. Thanks ! Hope success keeps coming your
way.
cheers,
grid
--------------
Subject: Bread Crumbs
From: Pcorell@hopsteiner.com
[Ed note: Better late than never.]
On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich.
Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread
crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins. Occasionally,
people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown.
Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins.
For complex sins..........................Multigrain
For ordinary sins..........................White Bread
For particularly dark sins...............Pumpernickel
For twisted sins............................Pretzels
For tasteless sins.........................Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision....................Waffles
For sins committed in haste..............Matzoh
For substance abuse....................Stoned Wheat
For use of heavy drugs..................Poppy Seed
For committing auto theft..............Caraway
For timidity/cowardice...................Milk Toast
For erotic sins..............................French Bread
For silliness, eccentricity..............Nut Bread
For not giving full value..................Shortbread
For unnecessary chances.............Hero Bread
For warmongering.........................Kaiser Rolls
For dressing immodestly...............Tarts
For causing injury to others...........Tortes
For lechery and promiscuity..........Hot Buns
For promiscuity with gentiles.........Hot Cross Buns
For racist attitudes.......................Crackers
For sophisticated racism...............Ritz Crackers
For abrasiveness..........................Grits
For dropping in without notice........Popovers
For overeating..............................Stuffing
For impetuosity............................Quick Bread
For indecent photography..............Cheesecake
For raising your voice too often......Challah
For pride and egotism...................Puff Pastry
For sycophancy, ass-kissing.........Brownies
For laziness............................Any type of loaf
For trashing the environment..........Dumplings
and my personal favorite:
For telling bad jokes/puns..............Corn Bread
Wishing you a sweet and healthy New Year!
----------------
Testimonials:
40Plus Career Transition Center of Greater Washington, DC
[Managing Transitional Stress, Loss and Conflict with Wit and Wisdom]
October 16, 2008
Mark - thank you for taking your time to speak to us as part of the Monday
Morning Speaker Series at 40Plus of Greater Washington. I anticipated the wit
and humor but was not expecting how thoughtful and profound your advice was. You
have a way with words that was very compelling and encouraging for our
membership. I received many comments afterwards in appreciation of your message.
In several talks now at 40Plus you have helped many people improve their lives,
and we appreciate your long-term friendship. Thank you! David Powell, for
40Plus.
David Powell
Conservation/Natural History Research
1425 17th Street, N.W. # 701
Washington, D.C. 20036
Telephone (202) 387 1680
wdp320@aol.com
Mark Gorkin, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, is a psychotherapist and
"Motivational Humorist" whose Interactive Keynotes and Kickoffs draw wide and
"amazing" acclaim -- from Fortune 100s and Federal Agencies to around the world
with Celebrity Cruise Lines. An OD/Team Building Consultant, Mark is the
author of Practice Safe Stress: Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress,
Burnout & Depression and of The Four Faces of Anger: Transforming Anger, Rage,
and Conflict Into Inspiring Attitude and Behavior. Also, the Doc is AOL's
"Online Psychohumorist" ™ running his weekly "Shrink Rap ™ and Group Chat." See
his award winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- cited as a
workplace resource by National Public Radio (NPR). Email for his monthly
newsletter showcased on List-a-Day.com. For more info on the Doc's speaking
and training programs, call or email the "Stress Doc": 301-946-0865 or
stressdoc@aol.com . And to view web video highlights of a Stress Doc
Keynote, go to
http://www.stressdoc.com/media_downloads.htm
.
(c) Mark Gorkin 2008
Shrink Rap™ Productions