The Stress Doc Letter
Cybernotes from the Online Psychohumorist ™
SEP 2008, No. I, Sec. I
Fight when you can
Take flight when you must
Flow like a dream
In the Phoenix we trust!
Table of Contents
Section I
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Shrink Rap: Transforming Fear of Exposure into the Fun of Embarrassment
Readers: Saving Face, Retiree's Wandering Mind, Never Say to a Cop
Testimonials: Redstone Army Arsenal
Offerings: Books, CDs, Training/Marketing Kit: Email
stressdoc@aol.com or go to
www.stressdoc.com for more info.
Section II
Shrink Rap II: Curious Minds Want to Know
Main Essay: Can a Workplace Be Both Fun and Focused?
Overview:
Section I:
1) Shrink Rap: Transforming Fear of Exposure into the Fun of
Embarrassment. Analyzing a "Share an embarrassing moment" Exercise reveals
four powerful outcomes: a) Highlights the Role of Cultural Diversity and
Mutual Humanity, b) Recognizes Misery, Mastery and Mirth Connection, c)
Differentiates Embarrassment from Humiliation and d) Illustrates a Method for
Engaging Change and Managing Criticism. For both the individual and the group,
concepts and tools are outlined for enhancing mutual understanding and
camaraderie and for making an unexpected friend out of a long-standing FOE -- by
turning a "Fear of Exposure" into the "Fun of Embarrassment."
2) Main Essay: Can a Workplace Be Both Fun and Focused?
Responding to Workforce Online reader question, the Stress Doc illustrates
both onetime events and ongoing structures and processes that will generate
short- and long-term fire, focus and fun: a) a Jolt of CPR, b) Humor, Laughter,
Creativity Connection, c) Encourage Ongoing Team Structure and Spirit and d)
Plan for Food, Festivities and Far-Sighted Fun.
Section II:
1) Shrink Rap II: The Intersection of Multitasking and IQ
Performance and Humor and Creative Problem-Solving: Curious Minds Wants to
Know. The Doc examines two research studies and speculates how if combined
they might influence IQ-test and creative problem-solving performance.
Shrink Rap:
Confronting Your
Intimate FOE:
Transforming Fear of Exposure into the Fun of Embarrassment
As a speaker and workshop leader, I'm always designing and experimenting with
small group exercises that, hopefully, generate positive energy, emotional give
and take and some knowing, if not hearty, laughter. Such group interaction
becomes a dynamic springboard for fulfilling my mission as a "Motivational
Psychohumorist" ™, that is, helping participants achieve a deeper appreciation
for and an ability to engage their own and others': a) workplace demands and
overall life challenges, b) psychological strengths and vulnerabilities, and c)
communicational processes and patterns. In addition, a personal goal: having
this mutual sharing, problem-solving and understanding occur within a learning
context of considerable merriment and mirth.
Why the importance of humor and laughter for meeting program objectives? For
now, let's just say good-natured fun and laughter seem to break down social and
cultural barriers thereby fostering empathy and compassion. People more readily
acknowledge common imperfections while gently laughing at their differences, a
feat of no small consequence in an increasingly diverse world. And time and
again my experience as a therapist, educator and organizational motivator
reveals that people are often more open to a serious message when it's
gift-wrapped with humor!
The FOE Exercise
To illustrate both social bonding and barrier busting, here's a recently
designed exercise that has been field tested about a half dozen times in both
national conference and organizational retreat settings with a variety of state
and federal government professionals, including members of the International
Personnel Management Association (IPMA), Federal Asian Pacific American Council
(FAPAC), Federally Employed Women (FEW), Blacks In Government (BIG) and a
division of the National Science Foundation (NSF). The exercise has become a
staple of my High Performance, Team Synergy and Jolt of CPR -- "Creativity,
Passion and Risk-Taking" -- Programs. I introduce the exercise after the
audience has already participated in a couple of group problem-solving or role
play-like interactions. So people are pretty warmed up. (Hmm…I wonder if the
exercise might work as a provocative program opener.) The exercise is
disarmingly simple to execute yet invariably startling in its effect. And it
starts with a four-word directive: "Share an embarrassing moment."
Initially, the groups of four or five are surprised; at times, an uncomfortable
silence accompanied by a variety of pained or puzzled looks weaves its way about
the room. Clearly, the tension reflects the generalized feeling of potential
intimacy and personal vulnerability. Yet, invariably, someone in each group
breaks the ice. And soon thereafter, the previous frowns are being replaced by
rapt attention and nodding smiles…and then frequently by bursts of full-throated
laughter. And with each story, the cycle of thawing, sharing and laughter moves
at a faster and more spontaneous pace. Within minutes, the heightened group
energy is palpable. And shortly thereafter the room is crackling with communal
buzz!
After about ten minutes, story time is over. Now begins the group feedback
which focuses on some key questions: 1) why did we do the exercise? And 2) what
happened or what does it mean that so much energy and laughter was released?
(Actually, before the questions and depending on time constraints, participants
may have the opportunity to share one or two memorable moments. Moments have
ranged from tripping, falling on one's derriere and sliding down the wedding
aisle to unknowingly driving off with someone else's car for a late night pizza
run and being apprehended by campus police upon your return. And how your keys
opened the car and started the engine still remains a mystery.)
Exercising and Exorcizing Embarrassment
Let's examine several key dynamics underlying "The Purpose, Playfulness
and Power of the 'Embarrassing Moment' Exercise":
1. Highlights the Role of Cultural Diversity and Mutual Humanity.
Clearly, cultural diversity is increasingly coloring - sometimes complicating,
mostly enriching -- all aspects of American life. And while its positive
contributions to society are deservedly celebrated, we may be overlooking an
equally important reality: "People are more human than otherwise." While a
particular embarrassing activity or action may reflect an aspect of
multiculturalism, having embarrassing moments is a universal phenomenon,
something with which all can identify. Revealing your imperfect self by
lowering a "having it all together" mask frequently calls out an "I can relate"
connection. This can be especially valuable when an authority figure wants to
be seen as a leader who is not afraid to loosen status distinctions or who
chooses to be one of the team. Such openness emboldens others to let down their
guard or it just may motivate an "I can top that" or "If you think that was bad"
story. And finally, converting past embarrassment into a playfully poignant
present with fellow "sufferers" facilitates a "we are all in this together"
consciousness and commonality. Remember, research shows that misery doesn't
just like company…it really prefers miserable company!
2. Recognizes Misery, Mastery and Mirth Connection. An important
realization of this public storytelling is that a once painful experience,
whether brought on by clumsiness, carelessness or cluelessness, no longer has
you in its emotional grip. Memory is less a source of shame or regret and more
an opportunity to embellish if not exaggerate past behaviors and events. You
are not simply a victim of experience; you have a chance to relive the past as
well as redesign and redefine it. Once closeted memories are exposed to common
light and lightness, they can more readily risk coming out of the semantic
shadows. Now memories are more open to interpretation and translation, and they
may seem less painful or demeaning; it becomes easier to perceive yourself in a
more confident or competent light. And with a little ego boost, mortification
may eventually morph into merriment.
A student of the psychology of humor, the psychiatrist, Ernst Kris, captured a
potentially powerful link between the poignant and the playful: "What was once
feared and is now mastered is laughed at." That is, the enhanced self-esteem
from a sense of mastery in the present allows us to acknowledge if not embrace
past anxieties, indignities and albatrosses. In addition, my inverse
observation has relevance: "What was once feared and is now laughed at is no
longer a master." When you can laugh at an intimidating figure (even if but
quietly and privately) you often can cut that person down to manageable size.
For example, to deflate an arrogant antagonist, consider the words of the 20th
century French novelist, Andre Gide, from The Immoralist: "One must
allow others to be right…It consoles them for not being anything else."
Finally, even if mastery is derived mostly through transformative memory or
simply by being in the company of fellow clods and clucks (hence reducing a
singularly pathetic or pitiable status) it's easier to laugh at flaws and
foibles and not feel so browbeaten by them. So remember, share your story with
people who have walked in your shoes…especially if they can feel your bunions!
3. Differentiates Embarrassment from Humiliation. In one of my CPR
sessions, a participant, perhaps showing a touch of irony, speculated that the
purpose of the "Embarrassing Moment" Exercise was "to have people experience
humiliation." Ironically, this answer was closer to the truth than I suspect he
realized. My intention is not to demean but, in actuality, to help people
grapple with new meaning: to realize that there is a fundamental difference
between natural embarrassment and neurotic humiliation. Do you recall dynamic
#1 -- "Cultural Diversity and Mutual Humanity"? In contrast to humiliation
which is often colored by one's unique self-berating inner voices and sometimes
too by rigidly righteous or over controlling family or cultural values and
norms, embarrassment is a universal part of human drama and absurdity. To
better illustrate the difference, let's turn to Webster's Third New
International Dictionary:
a) Embarrassment comes from the French, embarras, connoting "obstacle,
trouble, and to hinder." Embarrass means "to place in doubt, perplexity or
difficulties." Worth noting, there is not an obvious critical value judgment.
Webster's continues: Embarrass "likely implicates an agency or influence
checking and hampering free choice or action, often with accompanying chagrin,
confusion and loss of face." While there may be some diminished pride, with
embarrassment problems can be attributed to outside forces or hampering factors
as much as to personal inadequacy or insignificance.
b) Humiliate is derived from the Latin humilis, that is, "to be low or
humble" and according to Webster's means "to reduce to a lower position in one's
eyes or the eyes of others: injure the self respect of." And "humiliating"
involves "lowering one's position or dignity." And for "humiliation,"
Roget's International Thesaurus provides a powerful "double d" combo punch -
"demotion and disgrace."
Alas, as too many can attest all forms of physical abuse and emotional
abandonment still rear their ugly and potentially humiliating heads. However,
this sobering reality does not negate another psychological vérité: too often
an embarrassing moment turns into a humiliating experience because of critical,
dysfunctional and/or outmoded voices and values still weighing heavily on a
mind. For example, not being able to better apportion personality and
situational factors for one's missteps leads to "attributional bias," that is,
assigning personal blame while not being able to place actions and events in a
larger historical, environmental and, even, multicultural context. By way of
example, if a colleague arrives late to work a couple of times in a week, the
typical observer begins to suspect personal laziness or disorganization. In
contrast, arriving similarly late your explanation is likely situational and
mitigates personal responsibility - an accident on the highway, your child
feeling ill on the way to daycare, etc. However, a state of depression (or, I
suspect, long-standing feelings of shame) may predispose an observer to a more
"black or white" and overly critical evaluation of his or her own motives and
actions. And a common instigator of such bias is the unrealistic expectation
surrounding the degree to which one is objectively "in control." To repeat,
such irrational, personalized processing can fuel both harsh self-judgments and
negative evaluations of others.
Conversely, a capacity for normal and natural embarrassment just may enable you
to reframe more benignly a once, or future, painful encounter and transmute any
vestiges of humiliation into a capacity for "humility": "the quality or state
of being humble in spirit: freedom from [false] pride or arrogance"
(Webster's). And if not able to completely perceive a past humiliation as
merely an embarrassing episode, perhaps with this semantic distinction you can
view former demeaning or degrading experiences through a less biased, more
understanding and forgiving, lens.
4. Illustrates a Method for Engaging Change and Managing Criticism. The
final "purpose and power" exercise dynamic comes from the interactive process
itself. Worth noting is how quickly the groups overcome their initial
reticence; members are willing to share more intimate and seemingly vulnerable
self-portraits. Perhaps one person takes the lead, but soon all are ready if
not clamoring to follow. People fairly quickly seem less self-conscious; in
short order, meaningful sharing and a degree of transparency becomes the norm.
Clearly, the group process undergoes rapid and significant transformation.
Might this phenomenon have some implications for helping people in general
grapple with significant and scary change? How often are we reluctant to engage
in new practices or procedures or to break out of a comfort zone for fear of
being judged by self and significant others? Once again, a process that enables
you to defang humiliation, to laugh with embarrassment while sharing common
imperfection and humanity just might be a formula for being a more brave
beginner or a resilient risk-taker. Most important, whether a novice or an
"old dog," you're generating a learning curve by challenging the "Intimate FOE:
Fear of Exposure."
Finally, wearing a capacity for embarrassment with purposeful and playful pride
is not just a life jacket for keeping your head above water while negotiating a
stormy sea change; it's also a protective vest for blunting hostile slings and
arrows. Remember, an ability to laugh at your own flaws and foibles means
beating those biased, judgmental, "know it all" critics to the punch line:
"Believe me; I can poke fun of myself a lot better than you ever can!" And
these antagonists have lost their favorite target -- an oversensitive ego.
In conclusion, an analysis of the "Share an embarrassing moment" Exercise
reveals four powerful outcomes: 1) Highlights the Role of Cultural Diversity
and Mutual Humanity, 2) Recognizes Misery, Mastery and Mirth Connection, 3)
Differentiates Embarrassment from Humiliation and 4) Illustrates a Method for
Engaging Change and Managing Criticism. For both the individual and the group,
concepts and tools have been outlined for enhancing mutual understanding and
camaraderie and for making an unexpected friend out of a long-standing FOE -- by
turning a "Fear of Exposure" into the "Fun of Embarrassment."
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical Social
Worker, is an acclaimed keynote speaker and "Motivational Humorist" known for
his interactive, inspiring and FUN programs for both major corporations and
government agencies. Currently the Doc is leading Stress, Team Building and
Humor programs for the 1st Cavalry and 4th Infantry Divisions, Ft. Hood, Texas.
Mark is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four Faces of Anger. See
his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- called a
"workplace resource" by National Public Radio (NPR). For more info on the
Doc's "Practice Safe Stress" programs or to receive his free e-newsletter, email
stressdoc@aol.com or call 301-946-0865.
Reader's
Submissions:
Subj: Saving Face
From: MDodick@aol.com
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely
burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his
body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own
skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would
have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives
just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her
sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for
me. How can I possibly repay you?"
My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your
mother kiss you on the cheek."
---------------------
Subj: Retiree's Wandering Mind
From: Pcorell@hopsteiner.com
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be
able to merge his car onto the freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who
can't get his pants off.
Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?
---------------------
Subj: NEVER SAY TO A COP:
From: TBrookover@aol.com
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas )
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police
officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars
around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee ..Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you
been eating doughnuts?"
Testimonials:
1. Redstone Army Arsenal
[Managing Stress and Team Building Keynote for 50]
Sep. 22, 2008
Mr. Gorkin, "The Stress Doc", provided a fun, interactive program for the TACL
(Tomorrow's Army Civilian Leaders) Quarterly Meeting. His unique, hands-on
approach really engaged the audience. The Stress Doc's program helped identify
key stressors in the workplace and in personal relationships and gave valuable
insight into how to help control and overcome stress. We really enjoyed the
program and look forward to implementing Mr. Gorkin's stress reduction
techniques.
Jessica L. Wilkerson
TACL Treasurer
AMCOM
Redstone Arsenal, AL
(256) 955-6025
jessica.l.wilkerson@us.army.mil
---------------------
Mark Gorkin, LICSW, "The Stress Doc" ™, is a psychotherapist and
"Motivational Humorist" whose Interactive Keynotes and Kickoffs draw wide and
"amazing" acclaim -- from Fortune 100s and Federal Agencies to around the world
with Celebrity Cruise Lines. An OD/Team Building Consultant, Mark is the
author of Practice Safe Stress: Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress,
Burnout & Depression and of The Four Faces of Anger: Transforming Anger, Rage,
and Conflict Into Inspiring Attitude and Behavior. Also, the Doc is AOL's
"Online Psychohumorist" ™ running his weekly "Shrink Rap ™ and Group Chat." See
his award winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" -- www.stressdoc.com -- cited as a
workplace resource by National Public Radio (NPR). Email for his monthly
newsletter showcased on List-a-Day.com. For more info on the Doc's speaking
and training programs, call or email the "Stress Doc": 301-946-0865 or
stressdoc@aol.com . And to view web video highlights of a Stress Doc
Keynote, go to
http://www.stressdoc.com/media_downloads.htm
.
(c) Mark Gorkin 2008
Shrink Rap™ Productions