Ask the Stress Doc -- Q & A

1) Online Acting Out or New Husband Ambivalence?
2) When the Night Shift Is a Pain in the Back

Q. I am stressed out. I have been single 23 years and just got remarried. I found out that my husband placed a romance ad when we were seriously involved but not yet married. He first said he didn't remember it, now the story changes daily. He said he was awareI would have broken up with him had I found out. I don't trust him now at all. I am not sure how I feel about him anymore. Help

A. I can imagine discovering that your husband had placed a romance ad shortly before your marriage was distressing. Also, having been single 23 years, you were not just tying the knot impulsively or casually. I'm sure warning bells were pealing. And his daily changing storyline does nothing god for the trust level. Nonetheless, don't give up the ship -- the relationship -- just yet. What you may be seeing is a not uncommon symptom of ambivalence about marital commitment, especially among the male species. (Hey, I've been accused of being a commitment-phobe, myself. Of course, I defended my honor by writing some lyrics called "Singular Man." Does the Doc doth protest too much? Anyway, email for the lyrics.) The reality of marriage can evoke latent fears. I recall counseling a client who had a fling with an old flame shortly before his wedding date. But we were able to work through his "loss of control" issues in therapy. He had no doubt about loving his wife to be. So the key is whether hubby will get some counseling, stop feeling so ashamed at being caught, acknowledge his fears so he can stop with the story-game playing. If he won't consider counseling...you go. Cause you will now have some tough soul searching. A Marriage or any intimate relationship based on mistrust has a shaky foundation. Without outside support, this house often cannot stand.

Q. What can u do with lower back pain? I do not get sleep in the day (no more than 4 hrs) work at night.

A. While my experience with the night shift is limited to a year as a US Postal Service consultant for a 24-hour processing and distribution plant, for me it was always troublesome. I never adjusted to once/week 9pm-5am rotation. So if you are sleep deprived then you are also vulnerable to all kinds of stress-related ailments. What to do? For the back pain there's physical therapy or a chiropractor. For a repetitive motion disc in jury (exacerbated by an ergonomically incorrect computer chair and desk) I found a mix of physical therapy, advil, swimming and light stretching to be the answer. Certainly, consult with a physician before undertaking any rehab.

As for the sleep deprivation, if you truly can't change your work shift, I'd consider a consult with a physician about getting some sleep medication. And, if there are other stress issues in your life besides night work, lack of sleep and back pain, I'd seek an evaluation from a psychiatrist to rule out any underlying anxiety or chronic depression issues. Also, consider a chronic pain support group, online or offline. Offline, a good local hospital should have a group or can make a referral. Just remember...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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