When Dynamic Business
Owners Are Also Dysfunctional-Enabling Spouses:
Key Diagnostic Warning Signs
In my work as a phone coach with men and women business owners, I have come
across a familiar pattern: the individual initially requests coaching services
to deal with feelings of burnout regarding running the business. The individual
just can’t seem to get fired up or he/she is seriously considering selling the
business. However, within a short period of time, the balance of our coaching
work begins to shift – less emphasis on the business as some of the depression
begins to lift and energy rebuilds (though business issues continue to be
addressed) and more emphasis on family matters. I’m thinking of two clients –
one male, one female, both in their mid-to-late-forties. The male client has
two boys who are not quite teens, while the female has two sons, in their
twenties. (Of course, having only spoken with the business owners I am not
getting a full assessment picture.)
What emerges for both families is the corrosive reality of substance abuse.
Both of the business owners have used and on occasion have abused alcohol; the
male business owner has also used and misused recreational drugs. However, both
their spouses have had serious substance abuse issues approaching two decades –
alcohol for the spouse of the woman and alcohol and marijuana for the spouse of
the male client. His wife occasionally goes into the office, though she seems
to have a disruptive influence on people and operations when she does. In fact,
she has not really worked in years. Both spouses do have some strengths, that
is, the male holds a steady supervisory job at the US Postal Service; the female
spouse is still mostly responsive with her children regarding everyday
organization. And both owners were not aware of the extent to which the
substance abuse problem was weighing on their minds and bodies and how this
family dysfunction was depleting their energy and spirit for running the
business. Also, the abusing spouses have repeatedly refused to get help for
their substance abuse problems. (Also, both have not as yet followed up on my
suggestion of seeing a counselor face-to-face or attending Al-Anon; both have
had unsuccessful previous marital therapy experience; presently, they want to
continue their phone coaching work with me.)
Both business owners have questioned the viability of their marriage:
a) several years ago, the male abusing spouse had an affair and left the house;
when the affair played out and he was having difficulty managing on his own, he
asked his wife to allow him to return, which she did. Alas, not working on the
substance abuse/marital dynamics, the marriage is back to its previous
problematic state, and
b) the male business owner has made some steps to move out, though he has not
truly separated despite currently residing outside the family home. Not
surprisingly, because of his connection and concern for the boys, his own
generalized anxiety, his conflicted ties with his wife, and his emotional
connection to their house, he is frequently at the family home.
What is apparent and what will be the focus of the first part of this essay are
the natural fears and ambivalences around letting go of their familiar yet often
painful adaptation patterns. Both these high achieving individuals – successful
in many ways in one context – also struggle with codependency issues in another
vital realm. (Not surprisingly, some of the marital co-dependency issues also
get played out in their business relationships, though usually with less
intensity.) The second half will enumerate some problem-solving steps to
overcome the clutches of co-dependency.
Common Signs of Codependency and Family Dysfunction
Basically a person has a co-dependency problem when, despite not having an
active substance abuse issue, he or she either denies the reality or “enables” –
overtly or covertly downplays, chooses to be ignorant of, encourages or accepts
– a partner’s substance abuse illness and issues. Another diagnostic indicator
of co-dependency is that the non-abusing or enabling spouse (in our discussion,
the respective business owners) despite confidence and competence in business
matters, still have emotional and interpersonal communication issues. Each has
low-self-esteem, a sense of unworthiness and feelings of abandonment that can be
readily triggered in their interaction with the substance abusing spouse. And
these triggered feelings pollute the clarity of thinking, as well as their
communication and conflict problem-solving responses. The “enabling spouse”
will be noted as ES and the “substance abusing spouse” will be SAS.
Here are “Common Signs of Cognitive-Emotional-Behavioral Conflict,
Codependency and Marital/Family Dysfunction” as displayed in our two
individual-family scenarios:
1. Power of Early Memories: Objectively Assessing Old Times. When
assessing the state of their marriage, both business owners tend to focus on the
“good times,” even though such good times have rarely been seen for ten years or
more. In particular, the female business owner believes these memories are all
she has. Letting go precipitates a feeling of anxious emptiness.
2. Power of Recent Memories: Honestly Facing the Pain in the Present.
It’s hard to acknowledge how difficult, how little emotional-romantic-intimate
connection there has been for many years. To acknowledge this means coming
face-to-face with the feeling that these last number of years “have been a
waste.”
3. House vs. Spouse. In the past ten years or so, each seems to have
had more of a connection with their house, the design, the furnishing, the
upkeep, the pool, etc., than with their spouse. While the house early on was a
place for bonding and partnering, now it’s an arena for divisiveness or
separateness, e.g., sleeping in separate rooms. One business owner feels she
does most of the upkeep; the other feels his wife is letting the house go to
seed. Not surprisingly, the fear of losing or having to sell the house weighs
heavily on the business owner when contemplating leaving the marriage.
4. Minimizing the Impact of Substance Abuse. Spouses who are in long
term relationships with a SAS often minimize the impact of the dysfunctional
behavior, not just for themselves but also for the children. Such labels for
“Adult Children of Alcoholics” include the “Over-responsible One,” the Acting
Out/Defiant One” and the “Invisible One.” And these children often are
susceptible to substance abuse problems themselves.
5. The ES Needs the Approval of the SAS. The painful irony is the
business owners are looking for approval from a spouse who is described as being
“cold” or “disinterested.” Both of the business owners can’t believe how
unfeeling their SAS can be. (And both do not fully understand how the SAS’
illness contributes to their emotional detachment, disregard or
unresponsiveness.) The male business owner, in particular, feels that after a
contentious or unresponsive sit down with his spouse, his self esteem goes
through the floor. A therapist once suggested that he felt like an “impostor.”
My take is that this man in the business realm does have real strengths and
positive self-regard. However, a pattern of being overly dependent on his
mother’s judgments and now on his wife’s reactions (or lack thereof) in the heat
of marital battle or “be-little” trumps whatever solid adult self-feeling
he has.
6. Dysfunctional Support Systems. Whether it’s the male SAS’ drinking
buddies at the neighborhood bar or the female SAS’ friends and family members
who drink/smoke with her in the house or during social outings, both of these
troubled spouses have support systems that feed their substance abuse denial.
Part II will provide key steps for grappling with enabling tendencies and how to
restore energy and a positive focus to your life even when still living with a
substance abusing spouse. Until then…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW, "The
Stress Doc" ™, a Licensed Clinical
Social Worker, is a one-of-a-kind "Motivational Humorist & Team Communication
Catalyst." The "Doc" is an acclaimed keynote and kickoff speaker known for his
interactive, inspiring and FUN
speaking and workshop programs. The "Stress Doc" is also a team building and
organizational development consultant for a variety of govt. agencies,
corporations and non-profits. And he is AOL's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Mark
is currently leading "Bridging the Generational-Cultural Divide" and "Stress,
Team Building and Humor" programs for the 1st Cavalry and 13th Expeditionary
Support Command (ESC) Divisions and Brigades, at Ft. Hood, Texas and Ft. Leonard
Wood, MO. A former Stress and Conflict Consultant for the US Postal Service,
the Stress Doc is the author of Practice Safe Stress and of The Four
Faces of Anger. See his award-winning, USA Today Online "HotSite" --
www.stressdoc.com -- called a "workplace resource" by National Public
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Mark Gorkin, MSW, LICSW
The Stress Doc ™
Acclaimed Keynote Speaker and Motivational Humorist
301-875-2567
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