Playing with the Enemy

Recently, a Human Resources Consulting Firm emailed proposing a joint collaborative project. They want to pair my serious and humorous stress tips and stories with illustrations and provide them to the employees of their corporate clients. These folks also want me to play "Virtual Dear Abby of AOL," posing some "real life" questions for me to ponder. We've just begun, so I'm not sure how it will turn out. I'll keep you posted.

Here's a query I've grappled with and thought I would share:

Dear StressDoc:

I am a twenty-something female administrative assistant who just happens to work for a real "Type-A", hard-charging, over-acheiving" shrew of a boss. She is the typical "I've got something to prove in this male dominated industry" and she lets everybody know it! She tries real hard to make sure that everone knows that she is as hard as nails (in other words . . .that she won't take it and cry like most "women"). The real problem, though, is that she is real nice to all the guys in the office but an absolute WITCH to all of the women. It's like she is trying to prove something.

How do I get on her good side? Help!

Dear Miss Office Oppressed:

What good side? Sounds like to get on her "good side" you may need to cross over into the "enemy? camp. But before sharing details of this covert operation, let's establish some diagnostic fundamentals:

1. She's an objective pain in the butt. 2. There may be some real low self-esteem issues underneath the hard attitude and armor. This kind of tough authority figure that plays favorites can easily become in a subordinate's mind the bad big sister or BAD MOTHER (or FATHER). You may need to assess if old family hot buttons are being triggered. Are you overreacting emotionally to her provocation? 3. Wonder if there was a good bit of sibling rivalry in her family? Were boys the privileged class and girls the handmaidens?

Anyway, these speculations are less important than the strategy:

1. Distinguish Hard vs. Hostile. A person who's tough or firm, even an overachiever, one can live with. Someone who plays favorites - even if she were Mary Poppins - is a "stress carrier." And if she's hostile or abusive in her communications, and judges and evaluates people harshly because she imposes grossly unrealistic expectations and goals that can't be met, that's not acceptable. I would get up the courage to confront her. If you don't feel it's safe alone - she'd be vindictive - then consider outside help.

2. Traditional Outside Support. Obviously, if she is abusive, there are some traditional avenues of grievance -- an EEO complaint, the personnel office, a labor union or speaking to an Employee Assistance Program counselor. (Sometimes EAP staff have real leverage with problematic managers; and it is important for you to have a shoulder to lean upon and, sometimes, to cry on). Even hiring a lawyer is an option. I bet the National Organization of Women have an on-call stable of attorneys. (And I would hope NOW won't back away just because the aggressive antagonist is female.) Sometimes it takes a hard- charging Type A to fight a Type A. (And you know the "A" in Type A stands for attorney!)

3. Playing with the Enemy. If she's not abusive or certifiably hostile, then try the covert strategy. Enlist one or two of her favorite males on your's and your office mates' side. Just play upon those male egos; let the guys know you all want some of the supervisor's positive attention, as well. Alas, office dynamics and family dynamics blend imperceptibly after awhile. Remember, sometimes the friend of a foe can become an ally not just be an enemy. Perhaps these men can help her see that being a witch and playing favorites is creating resentment and probably generating some overt and passive-aggressive defiance. Folks won't go the extra mile for this type of supervisor, manager or boss.

4. Sisters Unite. If the covert strategy isn't fully successful (and, maybe, even if it is) then another tactic comes to mind. Call a group meeting. (Maybe the EAP counselor can be a facilitator.) Don't just make it a gripe session -- be more complex. Have a threefold strategy: a) the meeting is to affirm the presence of office tension and to overcome the stressors and to strengthen the productivity (talk her language) and morale (without compromising on your convictions) of the department, b) indicate clearly that the group wants to improve two-way communication and team work between supervisor and supervisees; elicit her concerns or complaints as well; affirm her strengths (stretching your mind, I'm sure you can think of one or two) as well as her vulnerabilities, c) acknowledge both your anger and a desire to have some of the playful supportive banter and camaraderie that she bestows upon the guys.

If none of the above works, here are three final methods of coping:

1. Find a walking or jogging buddy to vent and work out the frustrations and stress toxins.

2. Fall back, as I often do, on a quote by French author, Andre Gide, from his book The Immoralist (as I did with an all-knowing mother): One must allow others to be right...It consoles them for not being anything else.

3. Start upgrading your resume. You don't have to tolerate an oppressive work environment.

Until then...Practice Safe Stress!

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Feedback Segment: How about sharing your thoughts on how you, friends or colleagues use humor in dealing with stress, conflict or moods, yours or others, in your personal life, at home or at work? HFTE will run the best stories and, of course, credit you.