The Stress Doc's Q & A
Love & Relationships

1) Overcoming Post-Traumatic Burnout After Breaking Up with an Abusive Spouse

Q. Is it possible to suffer post-traumatic burnout after you split up with a spouse? For 8 years I worked so hard trying to make this man happy. I turned myself inside out and backwards! Now he has walked out on me saying he wants to be a bachelor again. I feel used and abused! He was emotionally and verbally abusive during our marriage. During this marriage I also have been working hard to build my own business. So I feel DOUBLY exhausted! I feel like I am swimming in a rough ocean with weights tied to me! Family Physician has given me Zoloft, but so far it does not seem to be helping. I must be in a depression. I have lost all my energy, drive, optimism. I was with this man 12 years (married 8). All that time I was building my life around him. He was a very moody personality, almost bipolar...very tough to live with. I guess I feel so burned out because I worked at the marriage SO HARD, and he didn't appreciate me or anything I did. Now I am faced with needing energy and strength.

A. Let's begin with my definition of burnout: "A gradual process by which a person detaches from work and other significant roles and relationships in response to excessive and prolonged stress and physical, mental and emotional strain. The result is lowered productivity, cynicism and confusion; a feeling of being drained...having nothing more to give!"

Clearly, the answer to your opening question is yes. And your closing realization -- feeling "so burned out because I worked SO HARD" without any appreciation -- also deserves confirmation. Consider "The Vital Lesson of the Four 'R's": If no matter what you say or what you do, Results, Rewards, Recognition and Relief are not forthcoming, and you can't say "NO" or won't let go...trouble awaits. The groundwork is being laid for apathy, callousness and despair. Ugh! (For more on the classic, "The Four Stages of Burnout," email stressdoc@aol.com .)

So he had you and you had yourself coming and going. I'll fairly quickly dispatch with your antagonist and then scrutinize your honorable, culturally understandable yet, ultimately, self-defeating assumptions and intentions.

HIM

A bipolar diagnosis for your ex is a distinct possibility. I say this up front as one can imagine his mid-life freedom protest: a compelling need to find his real self, his true passion. And he likely added insult to injury by claiming that your nagging, your faultfinding, your guilt inducing and too preoccupied with your business ways -- whether successful or not successful enough -- finally pushed him out. (More likely, he felt threatened by your autonomy and business achievement.)

People who have untreated cyclothymic or bipolar tendencies minimize their dysfunctional disorder. Or if they acknowledge a short fuse, then others have invariably provoked their outbursts. Such folks are often walled off from their genuine emotions and have learned to use belligerent tactics to intimidate, to push others away, to keep you in the dark. The last thing this individual wants is to expose his true nature. He does not want to acknowledge his biological or "mental" condition. Underneath the stony silence and fiery eruptions is much long-standing rage, humiliation and emptiness. Silent or blustery tantrums are directly proportional to his shame at being "damaged goods" and a lurking sense of being "crazy." And he may well be upholding a family of origin tradition of secrecy and shame, addiction and denial regarding mental illness. (Doesn't it sometimes bug you that you're the one on the antidepressants!)

YOU

Now for your contribution to this burnout-inducing, "crazy-making" scenario. For too long women have been and, alas, sometimes still are socialized to not just "stand by your man" but to "build my life around him." Especially with a partner with so much biological and psychological baggage and in rigid denial, your self-sacrificing and heroic efforts are bound to fail. Ladies and gentlemen assume the role of savior at your own considerable risk. No matter the passion and perseverance, some prospective partners are irreversibly toxic. Like a pack of cigarettes, they should come with a warning label. Of course, too many will still be unable to resist the rush or the hit.

So for you the basic questions are: Beyond youthful indiscretion or cluelessness, why did you choose such a partner? And what allowed you to tolerate the fairly chronic abuse and his cold-hearted ways?

As I reflect on my blindly marching to emotionally abusive relationships, three factors stand out: 1) a diminished sense of confidence and competence, especially around dealing with anger; I both feared my own rage and was intimidated by other's aggression, including bullying peers -- circling sharks to a wounded, floundering porpoise. This helplessness was a byproduct of childhood fear of reprisal for expressing strong feelings and needs as well as unconsciously internalizing unspoken family panic and rage, 2) a chronic state of biochemical and situational depression, too frequently denied and dysfunctionally covered up, and 3) struggling to carve out a professional/career identity despite long-standing feelings of inferiority that would enable me to experience creative challenge, a sense of achievement and some personal acceptance.

Gaps in these areas translate into codependent relating. As captured in lines from my country codependency lyric, The Love Trade:

I was hoping for salvation At least numb my bleeding wrath But you'd retreat behind that door Float away in your bubble bath.

In this codependency state not only do we deny our needs, but we blind ourselves to the realities of the other. The partner is often idolized (identification with the powerful aggressor) or demonized (victimization by the powerful aggressor). Coming to grips with the complex individual you were with -- from when you started dating to your current departing -- is vital for both present rejuvenation and the, hopefully, "never again" process. (Or, at least, never as bad or as long. Hey, for a former client, a third marriage was the charm.)

But for healing to proceed and progress some interventions must be in place: 1. Have a Psychiatric Evaluation. Because the erosive spiral of burnout can too readily descend into the complex black hole of depression, it's vital to have a diagnostic and psychopharmacological evaluation from a psychiatrist. Taking Zoloft from a Family Physician is a questionable procedure. Unlike the psychiatrist, this family specialist is not the trained expert in mood medications. A psychiatrist will also help you better understand your ex's mood disorder. 2. Find the Right Therapist. Find a psychotherapist with expertise in burnout, depression and post-traumatic relationship abuse. A battered spouse support group would also likely prove therapeutic. You have some significant grieving to do over the next few months. Remember, burnout may be less a sign of failure (in a marriage or in a job) and more that we gave ourselves away. 3. Practice Burnout Recovery Steps. As the appropriate meds and therapeutic grieving begin to place a floor under your free fall and slowly enable you to crawl out of "the bottom of a deep, dark barrel" (to paraphrase a client) consider "The Four 'R's of Burnout Recovery": a) Running -- gradually begin a regular exercise program; 30 minutes, three - five times/week. The Endorphins released are natural mood enhancers; and when I brisk walk or jog my 2-3 miles, even if everything else is up in the air, I'm grounded. There's a tangible sense of accomplishment and control. b) Reading -- consider a variety of humor sources -- books, films, videos, even TV sitcoms...Anything to start flexing those atrophied laughter muscles. As a psychiatrist and author Ernst Kris noted: "What was once feared and is now mastered is laughed at." And as the Stress Doc inverted: "What was once feared and is laughed at is no longer a master." c) Retreating -- take time to sort out, as indicated above, how you got into the burnout-exhaustion-depression trap and what you need to learn from this dark night of the soul journey. In a future relationship, what do you need and want from a partner? Heck, do you know what it means to engage in a healthy and loving give and take? (More thoughts upcoming soon on this existential conundrum.) d) Writing -- try capturing your thoughts and emotions in words, using both an analytic and subjective, feeling perspective. You'd be surprised at both the psychologically cathartic and integrative (being more comfortable sitting with a range of feelings) effect. Prose or poetry will definitely expedite the grieving and healing process. 4. Refocus Energy and Commitment. Gradually rechannel new found energy in your business. Clearly, you are a woman with definite strengths. Sometimes those who are naturally strong or who have been caretaking since childhood don't realize the extra heavy load they feel obligated to carry. Or worse, they are clueless to "The Basic Law of Safe Stress": Do Know Your Limits and Don't Limit Your "No"s!

As you unshackle those weights and no longer feel like you are going under, test out the familiar shore. If you still retain a sense of purpose, passion and pride for your business, embrace your creation. Infuse your business with some of the new found self-nurturing and healing energy. Rebuild your sense of autonomy and there's greater potential for intimacy on a future horizon. So, to good adventures and a profound commitment to...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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The Stress Doc's Q & A Love & Relationships

The Stress Doc's Q & A
Love & Relationships