Shrink Rap:

Being Down and Out in the Valley of the Upgrade

How quickly one can go from stress and technology expert to a spiraling state of techno-panic. All it takes is: a) being interviewed by a couple of magazine reporters ("Vanity thy name is Gorkin!") on how the small business person as well as the general public can cope with the ever present, ever increasing demands of technological instruments and innovations, e.g., cell phones, car phones, laptops, palmtops, FAX, email, smart appliances, etc. and b) venturing into the labyrinthine, demon-lurking shadow of chaos and depression – "The Valley of the Upgrade." And believe me, I do fear evil!

These days, instruments of efficiency are themselves becoming instrumental for increasing numbers feeling out of control of life’s demands and responsibilities. And alas, even with the guiding hand of technical support or a web master (and, alas, sometimes because of such mavens) staying on the edge of expansion can be fraught with uncertainty and anxiety. And when cybermania is not so far removed from a condition of technophobia, when the workstation crashes…so does the Stress Doc.

Setting the Primal Screen

Actually, high anxiety hit about a month ago when told by an email recipient’s firewall service that an attached file detected a virus. My trial McAfee Scan had ended. Was I being punished for my brief security lapse? And worse, was I infecting others?

I’m immediately on the phone ordering the McAfee Scan software. Well, immediately is bit of an exaggeration. I can’t recall how many buttons were pushed or how long I had to wait for a human voice. And then the trial starts in earnest. The first technical representative assures me that installing the software from their web site is "easy." Just follow the 21 steps of instructions covering at least two pages. Several futile attempts made it eminently clear that I was going up the down escalator. The obvious lesson: "Never trust a technical support person who claims, "It’s easy!" Basically, she was trying to get rid of me.

It took a second McAfee support person to explain that I, along with legions of cyber folks, had "The Pretty Princess Virus" (or some such seductive name). And the virus was preventing installation of their scan. He was walking me through the input process at the MS--DOS level, when I get a "Call Waiting" signal. (I have a dedicated modem line so there’s no equipment conflict.) I put Mr. Techie on hold, dismiss the call in 30 seconds and, to my horror, Mr. Tech Support is no longer there. He has my number, surely he’ll call me back. Dream on Doc. My disillusion is compounded by the fact that this guy agreed that techie #1 was just trying to dump me. He seemed to understand my need for step-by-step guidance. Okay, lesson #2: "Never break away from tech support!"

Three hours later, and several consultations with his supervisor, the third expert finally delivers me to the land of milk and honey…or, at least, no more undetected viruses. Two creatures are detected and zapped.

And, in the immediate aftermath, with just a little prodding from my web guy, John, I transformed this cyber danger into a technical window of opportunity: I would replace my fairly dated system with a new computer. Following John’s recommendations, I ordered a much faster system – 500mhz, four times more memory, 8GB hard drive, etc. (I still feel I’m talking dirty. ;-) John isn’t a "hot rod," GEN X techie. He’s of the Baby Boom Generation, having received a PhD. In computer sciences in the ‘70s. In addition to a web design/development business, he’s VP of Technology for a large savings and loan. But there’s the rub. He had COMPAQ ship their IPAQ with a Windows 2000 operating system.

The Virtual Extended Weekend from Hell

Initially, John sets up the computer, the external modem, the zip drive and the 17" monitor. (Who said bigger isn’t better?) Before finishing he connects to my Internet Service Provider (ISP). He installs the trial AOL 4.0 which comes with the IPAQ. Then he has to leave, though he promises to be back tomorrow (Saturday) with a Microsoft Office CD and a tools disk for transferring data to a zip drive . John has the proverbial wife, dog and house, that is, a life. The nerve! (When I was doing a lot of writing, a favorite aphorism was: "I no longer have a life, I have a memoir." Now with the influx of media interviews it’s, "I no longer have a life, I have a quote!" My existential purpose is definitely shrinking.)

Speaking of shrinking, the previous night I had to weather being called a "wimp" by a therapy client – a lawyer, no less – when I confessed to waiting for my web guy to unpack the computer boxes in the hall. Hey, as long as I’m no longer a "computer virgin," knock yourself out. You’ll see…the compassionately mirthful meek not just the techno-geek shall inherit cyberspace. But I may have to wait for my reward…And wait, and wait.

Friday evening, after John left, I started downloading AOL 5.0 from America Online’s upgrade download page. Talk about cruel and unusual punishment for a guy who probably has a touch of ADHD. The 10% per hour download rate wasn’t just maddeningly slow, AOL would throw me off after a few minutes if I wasn’t interacting with AOL. So I was chained to the computer. The only thing saving my sanity was that I didn’t lose my completed percentage of download upon signing back on. And to make matters worse, even as I got up to 58% completion, the lower box still smirked that that 400 minutes (of the original 600 minutes) remained for download completion. A friend on the phone could barely stifle her hysterical laughter. Good night. Time for a Salty Oat Cookie and Darjeeling First Flush at the teahouse.

The next morning I’m at 68% and just can’t endure more babysitting hours. Of course, a call to AOL technical support elicits a recorded message suggesting calling again when tech support is less busy. And then a window (alas, with a small "w"). My neighbor’s door is open. I call to her as she is prancing down the hall. Yes!…She has an AOL 5.0 CD, bless her heart.

I insert the disk, seem to be making progress signing on as a current member, when a window asks for my screen name. And wouldn’t you know, "stressdoc" is taken. Hello…Wake up, you damn program: "I’m the Stress Doc. It’s my screen name!" In near desperation, I uninstall AOL 4.0 thinking somehow that might be the screen name obstacle. 68% completion rate be damned. While I get points for boldness, clearly an "F" for diagnostic assessment skills. I still can’t sign on to 5.0.

Mercifully, my friend Hank calls to bring over a Norton Utilities software package. Hank, an Emergency Room Doc enjoys tinkering with the nuts and bolts of electrical systems and gadgets. And yes, Hank points out that while I started the sign-on process as a "current member," I overlooked the need to change the default member status in a subsequent question box. My heart leaps wildly as we sign on to AOL with 5.0. (Nonetheless, Hank is right: too often I get impatient and don’t read directions carefully.) I gladly endure Hank’s slightly superior grin, heartily pat him on the back, tussle his hair and offer to treat us to an ice cream cone.

But the unadulterated joy is tempered upon discovering that his version of Norton utilities 2000 is not compatible with the Windows 2000 operating system. Still, the finish line is in sight.

The Light, The Tunnel..The Train

Later that day John returns, heartened to hear that I’m on 5.0. And then, almost as quickly we both are deflated – I have no Internet access. After pondering the issue, there’s only one likely answer (which I’m proud to say I announced first): Windows 2000 and AOL software are not compatible. John initially is skeptical; WIN 2K has such wide usage. Surely, AOL must work with this operating system.

But before our working session ends, we are both left with a common task, one that particularly pains John, a big fan of Windows 2000: 1) are the new computer operating system and AOL compatible? and, most salient, 2) can one safely remove Windows 2000 and replace it with Windows 98?

The answers from the sources: 1) not quite yet; AOL is beta testing AOL/WIN 2K compatibility and 2) yes…but a variety of audio, video drivers must be downloaded from COMPAQ’s web site. So I have another assignment: buy Windows 98.

We take a work break on Sunday inspired by John’s wife. The previous evening on the phone she angrily let’s me know that I’m abusing her husband’s time or, at least, not paying him enough money for all the hours he puts in working for me (and other web clients). And, as mentioned, John has a day job.

While not using a good "I" message – "Do you want to be the cause of him having a heart attack? -- his wife has a point. Nonetheless, she's missing the obvious: this is life and death; my Internet access is at stake. And her abrupt hang up doesn’t sit well. (Then again, I wasn’t a total innocent. I had called John Saturday night to share my findings from COMPAQ and AOL. John wasn't home. His wife would only convey a verbal message as she didn’t want any more weekend contact between John and me. My message: "Have John call me when he gets back.")

When John calls Sunday afternoon, unaware of last night’s phone encounter, I let John know, "He has a good agent." And in the puzzled silence, I add, "His wife!" With genuine appreciation, John accepts my offer of $500 for this consuming project. (His ongoing commitment to our web site clearly influences my decision-making.)

While the triangle confrontation is defused, I belatedly realize the angry, somewhat hysterical reaction by his wife (John doesn’t have a heart problem) evokes echoes of encounters between me and my mother.

Monday night, seemingly, one last push – five hours, another call to COMPAQ. We need to download to a floppy disk an old execution order(.exe) link to install Windows 98 with requisite drivers. And it seems it can’t be done without sacrificing six of eight gigabytes of hard drive. We lament our state, then quickly (it’s getting late) dismantle the new IPAQ, repack it and set up my old computer system.

Actually, it doesn’t feel so bad being back in the old saddle. I never did bond with my new system. Also, I’m aware of feeling less anxious about the process now that diagnostic confusion is not running rampant or because I’m spinning wildly in tech support circles. Of course, now the big issue is whether COMPAQ will allow me to exchange my system for a computer with Windows 98? Or if COMPAQ, itself, can do the necessary surgery?

While not yet having the answer to this one, the learning curve this weekend has been as steep as it has been frustrating. Some sadder but wiser psychological wisdom has been gleaned. And here are "Five Hazards of Pushing the IT Envelope When More Technologically Geek than Meek!":

1. Accept Vulnerability and Pay Attention. As a self-employed, home-based professional with a limited (yet painfully growing) understanding of the complexities and interfacings of computer hardware and software systems as the world gets increasingly hi-tech, my vulnerabilities are increasingly evident. Of course, this on the edge state is magnified when a significant component of one’s business and art is computer and cyber dependent.

And yet, as I’ve discovered in this Brave New World, one doesn’t have to be the Lone Range or the Lone Hacker (in the non-criminal sense of the term). In fact, for us low and medium tech folks – self-employed or otherwise – collaboration is essential. For example, my synergistic efforts include working with: a) a web master on a site, b) editors of e-zines, c) chat group hosts, the AOL/Digital City team that’s responsible for the promotion and functionality of the weekly "Shrink Rap and Group Chat," and d) a consultant adept at establishing effective metetag listings to improve search engine positioning. The computer and cyber worlds are too vast and complex for me to be a techno-virtual expert along with the compelling desire to evolve as a writer and public performer. Listen, Stress Doc…"You can’t do it all!" And yet, I want to not just psychobabble but also to walk the talk; to live my aphorism: "Go web young cyberite!"

2. Explore Dependence, Evolve Interdependence. Through my "On Becoming an Internet Entrepreneur" workshops and through an online coaching service for health professionals, I’ve been struck by the numbers who have avoided or dawdled when it comes to generating an Internet presence. These folks are thankful for email and a capacity for online research; they also have the mistaken belief that you must be techno-savvy or at least know Hypertext Mark Up Language (HTML code) to get started.

For us hi-touch folks, the key, as mentioned above, is finding computer and cyber professionals with whom you can collaborate; people who can bring your experience and content to life. As I announced to my web guy in our prehistoric startup era (about four years ago): "John, you have all this arcane computer knowledge, I have all this psychobabble, let’s build a website."

But while there are many points of active interchange – integrating content and graphics, layout of a webpage, etc. – that lends itself to mutual brainstorming, when a technical breakdown occurs, the leader and follower status differential is clear. Actually, the computer and the Stress Doc become the patients. In the current Windows 2000 debacle, the instant phrase was John performing surgery to remove WIN 2K. Surgery on my brand new baby!

Uncomfortable dependence also occurs when calling up tech support. One needs to be prepared that a 20 something’s smirk streaking through the phone line just might bite you in the ego. Alas, an expert status in many roles is irrelevant. I have to accept feeling like (and sometimes being treated as) an awkward, inadequate distinctly subordinate player in this interchange. It’s not unlike how many Type A clients feel when they begin the psychotherapy process. They don’t truly understand their genuine, undercover emotions nor what it means to share real and vulnerable feelings. These individuals are familiar with establishing an aggressive posture or an intellectual debater’s or bully’s armored cover: the best defense is being offensive! I’m not looking for a complete Type A personality transformation. My learning curve goal is a little less denial coupled with communication skills for expressing emotions, especially anger, in a non-hostile, non-accusatory and non-abusive manner.

And for me, when computer crisis time hits in this vulnerable learning space, while frustration is inevitable, the key is getting my anxiety under control.

3. Ebb in the Web, Go with the Flow. When a major operational computer problem hits that resists the quick fix and prevents or retards my AOL/cyberspace functionality…I’m hurtling to a state of high anxiety if not a near panic reaction. After several futile problem-solving attempts I can only hand over the problem to an expert. I’m also noticing that my loss of control with the computer, especially not having a clear diagnosis or prognosis, seems to mimic the grief process: after the initial shock and dread, a helpless feeling prevails – until I sense the problem is being competently addressed.

When the McAfee installation problem hit over July 4th weekend, with no cavalry in sight, I developed a case of the "emotional flu." Staying in bed allowed me to alternate between shutting down all the turmoil and obsessing over whether my files were indeed infected. And taking to bed, analogous to lying on the couch in psychoanalysis also allowed me to pay close attention to my inner emotional cauldron, that is, to face the shame and fear: when informed of the virus, would the recipients be angry and anxious enough to decline being part of my informal syndication list? Grappling with this fear of rejection and approach-avoidance tension propelled me to do the right thing. I warned the small sample of recipients of an infected zip file attachment and my determination to scrub all files. Courage is it’s own relief, if not reward.

When the flu symptoms subsided, the next challenge was letting go of business as usual. Being organized and focused is critical for successfully juggling my various roles Yet when breakdown hits I must adapt to a different mode: a) when working with tech support, I must accept that a big chunk of the day may have to be devoted to waiting on the phone (even Mozart can’t totally tranquilize me at these moments), being transferred to the right department, more waiting, maybe or maybe not getting the right computer doc with the right screen-side manner, being cut off, etc., etc. The key realization: I must let go of my preordained schedule and agenda.

And this letting go process is even more pronounced when I turn the problem over to my web master. It’s truly out of my keyboard, mouse and hands. And the unexpected epiphany is that despite being laid low by a mini "dark night of the soul," I can survive being grounded in cyberspace. While the computer is an essential part of my day to day operations, it’s valuable recalling that I have a real life as well as a virtual one. With a history of clinical depression, no doubt being on Prozac enables me to more quickly crawl out of bed, to more resiliently resolve conflict, to flexibly shift out of grief-black hole entropy into refocused energy once "the flu" runs its course. Clearly, vulnerability and vitality have Yin/Yang potential.

4. Be Vigilant with Viruses. Speaking of the flu, clearly there’s been first hand learning regarding the disruptive potential of getting a virus. And what’s so difficult, akin to real life, you can get it from a well-intentioned friend or colleague. I likely contracted a virus from my book editor while sharing attached files that had been worked on with an editing software program. (And it’s possible, my sending back the files led to her system breaking down.) Big surprise...We subsequently have shifted to a cut and paste email relationship.

The reality is that viruses are everywhere present. The McAfee tech person assured me thousands of others also had Pretty Princess startup problems. I suppose there’s some truth in the updated maxim: "Misery doesn’t just like company…it likes miserable company!"

After my editor speculated that one can download infected information from a web site not just from being hacked or opening a Trojan attachment, daily virus scanning is "de rigueur." So, from one who has lost his cyber innocence and sense of being impregnable and invulnerable…Practice Safe Cyber!

5. Challenge the Cutting Edge. Not being a gadget geek, I don’t indiscriminately need to have the latest peripheral or version of this and that. And now I have good reason for upgrading somewhat conservatively: major technology components are not in sync. AOL doesn’t work with Windows 2000; Hank’s version of Norton Utilities purchased a month ago was not WIN 2K compatible. Experiencing first hand the benefits of Windows 2000 over 98 in his bank manager role, John recommended ordering an IPAQ with the latest operating system. Alas, from a variety of sources, including a COMPAQ engineer, WIN 2K is more for corporations. Next time, I speak live to a salesperson, not just place an efficient online order.

But I still believe we are in pioneer territory and space-time regarding computer technology and the Internet. Many learning curves lie ahead. To paraphrase a Stress Doc essay written in the aftermath of breaking into Cable Television in the early 80s: It’s the age of "Creative Risk-Taking: The Art of Designing Disorder." So let’s keep exploring and documenting our trials and triumphs. Anyone have a tale of techno-terror that was survived with some healing humor? In anxious and amorphous, on the edge times, mutual support – sharing the tears and the joys – is critical. As pioneering film genius Charlie Chaplin observed: "The paradoxical thing of making comedy is that it’s precisely the tragic which arouses the funny. We have to laugh (due to) our helplessness in the face of natural forces and in order not to go crazy." Sounds like a philosophy for helping me and others…Practice Safe Stress!