Readers Respond to "Faking It"
In the last column, a guest writer poignantly described overcoming her own denial of depression, recognized the need to grieve and added a strategy of manufacturing fun to reengage with life. She even developed a top ten "faking it" list. (Email stressdoc@aol.com) if you missed the original article. Her strategy, which followed her doing some genuine head and heart work, evoked a variety of responses from readers. Before providing them, let me say, in general, I encourage openness rather than artifice. The more mature we are, the more we can acknowledge, embrace and express a variety of emotions - from sadness to joy, fear to excitement, from anger to tenderness. We don't just have to think or be positive; we can strive to be genuine, accept our being flawed, disclose gradually and know that complexity is cool. Our psychic glass is often half full and half empty.
The first two readers resonated with our guest writer and submitted short positive responses and quotes. A third reader thoughtfully challenged my question about the optimal balance between being real and faking it. For S. (who wished to remain anonymous) at some level all life is role palying and deception. And finally, a fourth submission is from a comic and actress. While being poignanatly touched by the piece, this reader raises some provocative concerns regarding the long-term effectiveness of faking it, denial and the use of drugs.
I hope you enjoy this spicy gumbo of reflection. Readers, take it away....
Just had to get back to you and say that I loved this piece of writing. I'm putting the ABC's somewhere near my mirror, one of those get-up-in the-morning-and-say-cheese! types of things. "It's such a good feeling to know your alive..."(Mr. Roger's Neighborhood)
MARS
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------
Doc -- Here's a quotation for you:
"People who find it hard to laugh often find it easy to cry. The choice is yours." Eromon D'Alyzala
Best- RHubenet
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------------------------
From: S.
"WHAT'S THE OPTIMAL OR MOST EFFECTIVE BALANCE BETWEEN BEING REAL AND FAKING IT?"
Today, for the second time (the first was your segment on threesomes), I read beyond the jokes. Having been working on "balance" in my life for a number of years, I feel that I am somewhat of an authority on the subject (LOL). So here is my (un)professional conclusion. No consultation fee attached.....
ANY social interaction requires "faking it." Reality is sadness, loneliness, depression, mindlessness, heartache, pain, lethargy, loss of control, deceit, hypocrisy--and others' reality...all interspersed with the seductive tease of "true happiness," temporary spurts of passion in our lives, be it from a "job well done" or "FALLING in love." One's measure of social "expertise" is the effectiveness of the masks we don (or don't) on a daily basis. There is always the hope that somehow those masks will meld themselves into the real being to become part of the reality, I suppose. Control is simply of question of being able to wear the mask. The "expert" level is achieved by being able to instinctively CHOOSE the right mask with a high degree of success. KEYWORD: CHOOSE. There is no REAL self. It is a compilation of the multitude of roles and, therefore, a multitude of masks. So where is the "balance" between "reality and faking it?" Reality IS faking it.........that other thing is called sleep.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------------------
From Florabell2:
I can relate and was very touched. Some of it sounded like tips that she got from other stories, like "Shape" and "Cosmo." I used to do that too. I liked her (piece) better when it was more about her verses than preaching...
I had a shrink put me on Welbutrin, (however spelled). I'm glad it helped her, but it made me crazy as a bed bug. I am better at facing things without drugs.
I'm a little bit worried about the emphasis on faking.... Sometimes this can lead to denial, and then when you pop out of it (which we have too eventually) you have to come down and hit rock bottom.
Sometimes drugs help us to live in denial, that's why I don't like them. I'm not claiming to have any answers, my answer was exercise. I am a big believer in it. I think I'm getting rid of my TMJ mostly from exercise. I mean hard kick-boxing, spinning, every day putting your stress and anger into the bag and peddle.....
Once I made my self strong on the outside, I automatically felt stronger on the inside. I am happy for her. I just have a feeling that she is still headed for another fall. I understand the lighter side of the philosophy. I have just always found that a bit of a sleezy term -- Fake it till you make it, coined by all MLMs. Which in reality is lying to your self, and others. Trying to talk someone into believing your own bs.
Well, for a while you do believe your own bs, because people around you do. Then one day, out of the blue, you see everybody laughing and kidding and you suddenly pop out of your own denial and realize that these people don't know you at all. It can make you feel more disgusted and alone than ever....Because now you can't even trust yourself.
Many people think that actors try to make people believe our lies. The great actors don't do that at all. They, we, search for the truth in a scene so that we can bring our reality to the scene. As actors we have to be able to do the same thing over, and over, and on cue.
I don't mean to run this in the ground. I have to say that (her story) is very thought provoking and has stirred up a lot of emotions for me. I think I'll go climb a mountain.......
Definitely some highly charged positions. In the next couple of columns I'll be tackling further the issue of depression and medication. And, hopefully, will bring my own poignant, playful and provocative energy. Until then...Practice Safe Stress!
Special Announcements:
a) email stressdoc@aol.com if you'd like to subscribe to my new, free newsletter, b) Leading a "Shrink Rap and Group Chat" for Digital City-Washington, the 2nd and 4th Mondays of every month, 9-10pm EDT. Field questions on stress, relationship issues, school/job problems, career transition, etc. Definitely a lively hour. Here's the link: <A HREF="aol://4344:363.gorkin.5732839.568857121">Chat with the Stress Doc</A> c) Starting a Multi-Media Coaching for Consultants Program, especially (though not exclusively) for allied/mental health professionals, organizational trainers and consultants, counselors and educators. For info on the products and instructional services, including: ** one-on-one online consultation and group chat ** copywriting and humor writing; website design ** bulletin board access... email me at Stress Doc@aol.com.
Feedback Segment: How about sharing your thoughts on how you, friends or colleagues use humor in dealing with stress, conflict or moods, yours or others, in your personal life, at home or at work? HFTE will run the best stories and, of course, credit you.