In Part II of "Risky Business," the Stress Doc begins to enumerate key factors for expanding your capacity for exploring the unknown and taking productive risks. Anxiety and adventure always do the "yin-yang" dance. FOE and flow anyone?
Risky Business: Part II
Here are the first three of my "Top Ten" tips for becoming more exploratory and risk-taking:
1. Redefine Success. Too often people don't explore because they presume they won't be successful or there is no tangible reward in sight. (Of course, whose standard of success is ruling the roost? And, the most meaningful rewards often lie at the end of a hard-earned road.) Success, or maturely adjusting to success, often takes time, trial and tribulation. It's as much a path and process as a payoff and product. And clinging to success is often it's own demise. Your niche of success eventually has you stuck in the ditch of excess. For such a critical crossroad, try these Stress Doc slogans:
** I no longer count on nor discount any possibility ** I don't know where I'm going…I just think I know how to get there.
2. Confront Old Voices. The beliefs, expectations and values internalized from past significant people provides an anchor -= stability and tradition in our day to day or a troubled storm. However, if the anchor is so heavy or rigidly placed, your life/boat may never leave the harbor; you may never explore new waters or unchartered territories. Unquestioned faith in the size of your anchor or your boat, as we have recently rediscovered, can have disruptive effects of "Titanic" proportions. "Be secure at all times," "Don't risk failure or embarrassment," "This is the family standard - nothing else is acceptable," can lead to emotional imprisonment, few new learning curves and an impoverished existence.
And sometimes, it's not just old or symbolic voices that get passed down. One workshop participant, descended from many generations of Iowa farmers, shared how his great, great grandfather wrote an ironclad coda regarding how to handle financial matters. This written coda was passed to the males of each succeeding generation as the gospel; itself a rigid and restrictive hierarchical practice. The family refrain regarding these patriarchal rules: "Learn It. Live It. Love It."
When I somewhat playfully, somewhat ruefully asked the workshop participant if he was prepared to make a new "generation" CD version, he immediately replied, "No. These rules stop here."
3. Grasp the Process of Perfectionism. People who have a vulnerable sense of self and who are driven by excessively critical voices along with a continuous need to prove their worth are rarely satisfied unless they have achieved perfection. They must be immune to all criticism. This so-called perfection usually offers little protection. It's more a short-term illusion of control that leads to a too familiar, circumscribed or marginalized world. For example, at one time it was excruciatingly difficult for me to write, especially something original. I was egoal-driven. My pride and ego needs subverted the goal of self-expression and information sharing. Overcoming startup paralysis rode on a word and a prayer. Gradually, very gradually, through therapy and by placing myself in situations that demanded everyday writing I developed two strategies:
a) "Don't just do it." In the past, I would prematurely attempt to write a final version, as if obsessing could make it flow as a whole. Now I make a list of the elements I wish to work with. Next comes some sequential and overview, gestalt-like relation among the chosen components. I usually try to sleep on my preliminary writing tapestry. And the, early in the AM, bright in eye, if not so in mind, I start writing. Today, I'm much less exacting in the early stages. But when I take my handwritten, roughshod product to be sacrificed upon the word processing altar, I let all my perfectionistic voices and instincts full play.
b) "Selective perfectionism." Having designed the forest, I can now precisely define and refine the trees. It's much easier to edit and prune specific trees and branches not carrying so much heavy mental timber. Try resisting premature closure and be discriminating with the timing of perfectionism.
So the old critics and naysayers who laughed at my traditional method of composing by hand, were not as smart as they believed. In fact, I think handwrtiting encourages more play for my relationship seeking, holistic right hemisphere; then, my tenaciously critical, logical left hemisphere takes charge initially when word processing. At some point, while processing at the keyboard, the synergy effect kicks in: new perspectives, clever lines and unanticipated connections start jumping off the screen and jogging my mind. More back and forth, till satisfaction and/or exhaustion win out.
More tips next time…Until then, of course…Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, "The Stress Doc," Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a nationally recognized speaker, workshop leader and author on stress, reorganizational change, anger, team building, creativity and humor. He is also the internet's and the nation's leading "Psychohumorist." The Stress Doc is a columnist for the popular cyber-newsletter, Humor From The Edge -- HUMOR FROM THE EDGE HOME PAGE . Mark is also the "Online Psychohumorist" for the major AOL mental health resource network, Online Psych -- ONLINE PSYCH: THE STRESS DOC and Financial Services Journal Online. And he is an offline writer for two mental health/substance abuse publications -- Treatment Today and Paradigm Magazine. His motto: Have Stress? Will Travel: A Smart Mouth for Hire! Reach "The Doc" at (202) 232-8662, email: Stress Doc@aol.com, or check out his "Hot Site" website: http://www.stressdoc.com or click STRESS DOC HOMEPAGE. (The site was selected as a USA Today Online "Hot Site" and designated a four-star, top- rated site by Mental Health Net.)
Also, for more info on the Stress Doc's Online Coaching program, email stressdoc@aol.com .