The Stress Doc's Q & A
Love & Relationships

1) Sexual Identity, Intimacy and the Ideal: How Come It's Not with "That Man"?

Q. Hello. In all of my past failed relationships with men, I have now found a woman to love. But I am not sure that I am a lesbian or a bisexual. But I know I must be one or the other? I love this woman deeply and she loves me and I feel that I am accepted. However, I also desire to still find "that man" that I have been looking for all of my life. This makes me confused. Do I seek the man or stay with the woman who is lesbian? She treats me with love and respect and I have yet to find that in a man. I have had rotten relationships with men & three failed marriages. I was wondering what you think about this and if there are others that might have been through this kind of situation before and how they handled it? Thank you.

A. You pose two complex issues: 1) what is your sexual identity? and 2) can you find "that man," that elusive creature with and for whom you have battled, bled and quested? Let's begin with the issue of sexual identity. Over the years, I've worked with several men and women who have come to a realization, later in life rather than earlier, about an undeniable attraction and desire for lust, romance and/or intimacy with a same-sexed partner. And, especially for women, it often follows an unhappy or, at least, insufficiently fulfilling relationship -- marital or otherwise -- with an opposite-sexed mate. Perhaps the men are a bit quicker to know when there's a libido shortage in the electricity department, but not always.

How does one know one's sexual identity? Let's start with an example. One woman in her 40s encountered in cyberspace tentatively allowed the questioning of her sexuality. She observed that her religious upbringing along with the anticipated censure from her family made it very scary and shameful to contemplate the "unspeakable." Still, the tip-off for me as we were chatting was a sense of deadness and lack of passion about her life. It was if she had dammed up a natural wellspring -- her sexual identity and energy -- and had disassociated this blockage from the rest of her life. (Not surprisingly, a short-time after allowing herself to open this "Pandora's Box," she began thinking of childhood and adolescent interests that she had lost touch with -- painting, playing piano, writing poetry, etc. There's an absolutely essential, if not ultimately mysterious, bond between sexual energy and creative passion.

Thoughts of the unconscious and the mysterious reminds me of how a male friend, an emergency room doctor, confirmed his homosexuality: his dreamscape, though still occasionally seeing women, was a kaleidoscopic fusion of encounters with men.

Of course, one must address the question of biological determinism. I do believe genes affect our sexual predilection. For some bisexuality is a natural state. For a percentage of this group, though, a reluctance to commit to an identity, if not a partner, is operating. And for some folks, sexual preference and partners is a rich mix of bio-psycho-social factors, including roles, relationships and opportunities (or lack thereof, for example, prison homosexuality).

Moving from the complex tapestry of sexual identity, let's tackle societal/sexual "shoulds" and the issue of intimacy. I suppose for many women -- lesbian and otherwise -- the desire and the pressure to find "that man" can be unrelenting. It somehow becomes a reflection of attractiveness or worthiness in one's own eyes an in the eyes of one's social comparison community, including family and peer network.

I also believe men may not have to go through a hellish relationship (or endure one as long as a woman) to let go and to pursue their sexual bent. Differing degrees of family commitment may be a factor. Also, that psychic-phallic radar system eventually will help many men hone in on what's real. Not necessarily healthy, but at least real. (I'm trying to be delegate here. I don't want to just come out and say men think with their...)

Conversely, women who have not experienced much safety, trust and compassion in a relationship long for, need and deserve such a bond. And such a loving relationship is valuable and vital, whether there also is a strong sexual connection or not. All I'm suggesting is not to confuse the two, or not to necessarily equate one's sexual identity with one's needs for and interpersonal arena of intimacy.

For whatever reasons, the chemistry and intimacy has not clicked with men chosen. Are women, in general, more practiced and comfortable with intimacy than men? Most likely. Are most men only good for rotten relationships? Most likely not. Is it possible your energy and sympathy flows most freely with women? Certainly possible at this time in your life. At an earlier stage, if you'd been more comfortable exploring unconventional intimate relationships, perhaps you would have spared yourself some romantic, marital and family grief. On the other hand, sometimes we need to go through a number of trials and errors before we can say, "Yes! I've found what I've been looking and longing for." And the past pain makes the seemingly belated realization even sweeter.

So my two cents. Cherish and continue to build upon what's real, alive and immediate as opposed to grasping endlessly for the ideal and elusive. Remember, as someone once observed; "Pursuing the unobtainable makes impossible the realizable!" A good strategy to help you...Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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