The Stress Doc's Q & A
Work Stress

1) Keeping the Stress Monkey In Place and In Perspective

Q. Hello, I'm doing an extremely important project on stress. Could you please clearly define stress for me and back it up with statistics? What causes it, how to treat it and how do you prevent it?

A. Stress is having someone out of the blue wanting me to help them on, "an extremely important project," without asking me what my time and work schedule look like. ;-) A stress carrier is one who wants me to: "Clearly define stress…back it up with statistics (including) what causes it, how to treat it and how do you prevent it." (Yes, I could; now the issue is will I. Getting a little feisty, aren't you Stress Doc? Fortunately, the generic formula for a stressful situation is one in which there is high demand with little control or autonomy.) And chafing at the bit stress is not yet being able to retort: go to www.stressdoc.com to purchase Practice Safe Stress with "The Stress Doc." (But soon, soon.)

I did send this emailer some relevant information on file. (Perhaps the old squeaky wheel axiom wins out once again. I did receive a prompt "thank you" and yet another request for me to further refine the info I sent. Keep dreaming.) However, this Q & A will reflect upon ways others try to take the stress monkey off their own backs and place it on susceptible others. (Btw, do you think this query was sent at the eleventh hour? ;-) Who is vulnerable? Certainly, the person who is blind to the difference between caring about and caretaking for; the person who hasn't learned "The Basic Law of Safe Stress": Do Know Your Limits and Don't Limit Your "No"s.

Case in Point: I

This "giving of yourself/giving to yourself" issue was further heightened by a recent online encounter with a courageous and dedicated woman who created and heads her own national volunteer support organization. Her members are often in rather difficult if not dangerous life situations. I can imagine how great their needs are for social connection, vital information and virtual morale and ego massaging. Wisely, this leader recognized that she, herself, was approaching the burnout wall. And like most dynamic and passionate professionals who are organized, high performing, high energy (okay maybe a tad Type A perfectionist, too)…she (and we) don't really believe the "b"-word can happen to us. We are too aware. Ha!

Especially when growing up in a family with one or more dysfunctional players - critical or volatile alcoholics, withdrawn depressives, anxious controllers, etc. - the pressure can be great to fill the nurturing and self-esteem void. You lose your own individuality and voice. Or with the breakup of a marriage, as the responsible child, you must prop up a mother who is unraveling emotionally. Or you stifle your anger and your perception of reality by accepting a significant other's definition of you as "weak," "needy," "demanding," "unworthy" or just plain "bad." (Or tenaciously push yourself to prove otherwise.) Or you idolize a dominant parent - identification with the aggressor syndrome - which disguises a deep-seated fear of being humiliated, ignored or abandoned by the same.

A real albatross is being too concerned that people like or approve of you. When this is the case, one avoids healthy conflict at all cost - by passive retreat or, even, by hostile or rageful attack. Too many still believe anger is a bad or mad emotion (not so surprising if raised in a silently or openly destructive-aggressive household). So you stew…and procrastinate, hide out, smolder away, have anxiety attacks or develop compulsive rituals and maybe succumb to isolation and despair. You don't learn to challenge these old critical voices, you resist discovering that family members today are often not as frightening or fragile as they once were, in actuality and/or in memory.

You don't express feelings with conviction and clarity. To paraphrase the author of Creative Aggression (I believe it's Richard Bach): Healthy anger says, "This is who I am. This is what (I believe) is happening to me in relation to you. I have these feelings I need to express."

Case in Point: II

When anger or passion ("Passion" being one of my "Four Faces of Anger") is directed in a non-attacking mode, in a manner that affirms self-other limits and boundaries rather than assigning blame, the stage is set for dialogue and creative conflict resolution. I'm reminded of a friend who recently grappled with an existential decision. She's a mid-late 30s singer and actress and is at a career crossroads. Her Washington, DC path is definitely withered, especially for her talent and ambition. She's decided to move to LA.

The first words out of the mouths of most friends and acquaintances: "What about your husband?" I like her five-word reply: "It's not about my husband!" Of course it isn't. It's about her compelling need to pursue her essence, her passion, her talent; she speculates on fulfilling her "destiny."

And once my friend and her husband started grappling with this unshakable reality, not hampered by guilt or misguided notions of loyalty, options open up for self-other, win-win possibilities.

So how do you fight this stress monster, especially if you don't have an open and risk-taking partner? Well, I'll be glad to email, "The Stress Doc's Stress Tips," to interested parties. But I will close on this note: connect with a group of people grappling with issues you can relate to. Find a safe haven where you can bring up real emotion -- a church or 12-step group, a depression or grief support group, a men's group or even the Stress Doc's online "Shrink Rap and Group Chat." Actually, we have a small cadre of truly wonderful folks, individuals who both share and can be shy, who may laugh or cry; people who caringly challenge and comfort each other. For AOL folks, try dropping by some Tuesday evening, 9-10:45pm, EST <A HREF="aol://4344:363.gorkin.5732839.568857121">Dig City Promo - Stress Doc</A> and discover how we…Practice Safe Stress!

P.S. And for non-AOL folks, I'll be running a monthly chat for WebMD.com starting January 19th at 2 pm PST or 5 pm EST.

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, known as "The Stress Doc," is the Internet's and America Online's "Online Psychohumorist"™. An experienced psychotherapist, The Doc is a nationally recognized speaker and training and OD consultant specializing in Stress, Anger Management, Reorganizational Change, Team Building and HUMOR! His writings are syndicated by iSyndicate.com and appear in a wide variety of online and offline forums and publications, including AOL's Online Psych and Business Know How, WorkforceOnline, Mental Health Net, Financial Services Journal Online, Paradigm Magazine and Counseling Today. Check out his USA Today Online "Hotsite" Website -- www.stressdoc.com . For info on his workshops or for his free newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 202-232-8662. Spring 2000, look for Practice Safe Stress with The Stress Doc™, published by AdviceZone.com.

(c) Mark Gorkin 2000 Shrink Rap™ Productions