The Origins of the Teen Depression Closet

Why is it that teens - especially female adolescents - are writing an online stress expert about their depression? Why do they feel there is no adult in their life - parent, other relative, counselor, spiritual leader, etc. - with whom they can share their turmoil, including suicidal thoughts? Why do these girls, as I noted previously, remain in the teen depression closet until psychological despair turns into medical dis-ease?

Clearly, and sadly, there still is much societal stigma and individual and family shame attached to depression and, especially, suicidal thoughts. Obviously, it's safer opening up to an anonymous "expert," someone who doesn't know you, someone you don't have to look in the eyes, someone who can't be "in your face" questioning or judging. By writing me, a youngster can come out of the virtual closet yet continue to hide or attempt to cover up her depression in the real world. And even if I do question or judge (or am perceived to judge critically) an emailer's motives or actions, if uncomfortable, with one mouse click, for these girls I am history -- a deleted "Doc." (Gee, wouldn't it be nice if, in the real world, at times you could point a Human Remote Control (HRC) device at a noxious person - a know it all parent, a bossy sibling or even a belligerent or hostile adolescent peer - and change the channel selector, thereby short-circuiting the critical lecture, lower the volume or, best yet, shut off the power.)

Perhaps this HRC device isn't just a remote fantasy but actually reveals a powerful need for control. Maybe hiding out in the teen depression closet is an attempt to set some psychological and physical boundaries and limits on a scary and unmanageable outer world. Simultaneously, it might reflect a need to contain, if not repress, an inner world of turbulent emotions, rapidly changing biochemistry and physical maturation. And clearly, in a society where youth and sexuality are often the media "cover story," for adolescent girls, especially, physical changes and sexual maturation often adds a whole new dimension of social-role pressure and expectations.

>From cover story to cover up...The depressed adolescent also hides out because of her own sense of shame - not being smart, pretty, or popular enough, feeling inadequate or unworthy, fear of facing her worst suspicions and voices: from a sophisticated, "I don't understand why you can't..." and "You are so disappointing to me," to the crude, "You are a reject, you are ignorant, you are lazy, you're spineless, a slut, an uncontrollable, selfish, raging, good for nothing, just like your..."

Now we are getting closer to the source. The teen closet often has its roots in the psychic underground of the significant adults in the girl's past and present life. Surely the child can't help but internalize the above mentioned negatives: "you ignorant, selfish, disrespectful, blah, blah, blah." But this interaction is fairly easy to read, that is, while such hostile communication is painful, the child has a chance of knowing and considering the source. The real challenge is that we all learn, identify and internalize, especially as children, consciously and unconsciously, psychologically and biologically, the strengths and vulnerabilities - the fear and shame, aggression, hostility and rage, moodiness and mania, greed and addictive qualities, impatience and helplessness - of the significant adults in our life.

Of course, it's more confusing when the adult is taking out or projecting his or her own vulnerable or despised feelings onto the child. These charged emotions often relate as much, if not more, to the adult's own feelings about him or herself than to the motives or behavior of a youngster. And this smoldering or boiling psychic energy is stoked by the adult's unresolved feelings of anger, hurt and humiliation generated during childhood. To illustrate, consider my father's confession a couple of years after I had returned from Army Basic Training. He acknowledged having been fearful that, upon my return, feeling stronger and more confident, I might seek physical revenge for our earlier trials and tribulations. And with some discussion, he realized this was a fear that he carried around regarding his bull-like, vodka-drinking immigrant father. (Actually, there was probably a fear and a wish: the fear, as a teen, of being bullied by his father and the overlapping desire to aggress against him.) As I was becoming more of a man, I was also being transformed into a virtual or symbolic aggressive father-figure by my own father! In hindsight, my maturation along with my father's own stressful life was releasing unresolved feelings from deep within his psyche.

This psychological projection happens all the time. So sometimes, kids hide out in closets because the adults in their lives can't handle seeing or hearing them. With issues of autonomy and sexuality, body image and identity blooming, if not raging forth, teens will invariably trigger a host of psychological issues - past and present - for even the most mature adult. And an adult that can't face his or her own vulnerabilities, won't be able to embrace fully a child's either.

The final essay in this three-part series will focus on helping teens and parents dismantle the depression closet. Until then, just remember...Practice Safe Stress!

Feedback Segment: How about sharing your thoughts on how you, friends or colleagues use humor in dealing with stress, conflict or moods, yours or others, in your personal life, at home or at work? HFTE will run the best stories and, of course, credit you. (And the real lagniappe, you become a member of the Stress Doc's Stress Busters Club.) Also, email me to learn more about "The Stress Doc's" upcoming serious and humorous on-line support/chat group -- "The Frequent Sighers Club.

Mark Gorkin, "The Stress Doc," Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a nationally recognized speaker, workshop leader and author on stress, reorganizational change, anger, team building, creativity and humor. The Stress Doc is a columnist for the popular cyber-newsletter, Humor From The Edge. Mark is also the "Online Psychohumorist" for the major AOL mental health resource network, Online Psych . His motto: Have Stress? Will Travel! Reach "The Doc" at (202) 232-8662, email: Stress Doc@aol.com