Breaking Up the Teen Depression Closet

Here is the closing two-part segment on my "Female Teen Depression" series. The first article focused on the large number of female teens suffering in silence while hiding out in the Teen Depression Closet. The second piece analyzed why it's often difficult for a teen to confide in a parent or another adult. And finally, I'll share my thoughts on how these girls and their parents can truly break up dysfunctional patterns and break out of depressive defiance or self-defeating silence.

My second decade (years 11-19) was a particularly trying time. Let me fantasize: if my family and I could do it over again, what changes would have made the adolescent passage a little less torturous? (Believe me, I would only relive my adolescence in virtual reality or on an analyst's couch.) Here are two critical family issues and interventions that remained in the family closet until my twenties. Once released, they ignited my exodus and still shape my ongoing journey.

1. Expressing Anger. I wish it had been safer to express my angry feelings at home. Now this is a tricky issue because I don't consider most expressions of rage and hostility, stormy or silent temper tantrums, equivalent to the expression of anger or, at least, to constructive anger.

First, let me say, we tend to get angry when believing we have experienced an injustice, a psychologically painful insult, physical injury, or an invasion of our privacy and space, and have an intention to do something about the perceived violation, threat or attack. Clearly, aggression and anger is a vital part of being human. How the anger is expressed gets to the heart of the matter, and reveals its constructive and/or destructive properties.

By healthy anger, I mean the freedom to express oneself purposefully or passionately, without having to be perfectly reasonable. A person may not even be clear as to what he or she is angry about. Some examples: "I don't like (or need) this," "I just feel this isn't right," "I don't like you" (at this moment) and, sometimes, just a loud and clear "I'm angry right now." (Trust me, with body language, firm voice, direct eye contact and real emotion, these statements aren't wimpy.) As Richard Bach noted in his book on Creative Aggression, vital anger, whatever the specific content, sends the message: This is who I am. This is what I believe is happening to me in relation to you. I have these thoughts and feeling that I need to express. And, having vented our anger, we can listen (hopefully, sooner rather than much later) to the other party's thoughts and feelings.

Adults need to help a child learn that anger doesn't have to be forever, perhaps by saying, "I can see you are angry with me right now." Parents and guardians can also encourage a youngster to say specifically what they don't like or what they want. (Not that kids should always get what they want, heaven forbid.) By asserting her needs both with purpose and spontaneity, without losing total control, a child is in a better position to set limits on herself and others. She is learning how to establish and protect her boundaries and personal space. A child that is allowed to be constructively angry or assertive more likely will become a teen who can "just say 'no'" to destructive peer pressure or "know when to say when" to the seductive temptations and addictions of adolescence.

Anger is a complex subject. I will examine its constructive and destructive potential with my "Four Faces of Anger" Model in a future column. But let me give a preview of anger's multi-faceted quality. A social work colleague shared how she'd been working with a family and their frequently angry, sometimes defiant, teenage daughter. (By the way, I like family counseling. One person isn't singled out as the total problem and/or solution.) The parents were exasperated with what they perceived as (with some good reason) disrespectful, rude, out of control behavior. In the office, the daughter was like the tip of an iceberg on top of an undersea volcano -- projecting icy silence while smoldering and rumbling below the surface. I'll forego the details and, instead, highlight a semantic intervention that started thawing the adolescent's offensively defensive posture while supporting her vital spirit: the therapist both acknowledged some specific and problematic aggressive actions while affirming that the girl had a "passionate" nature. For the first time, an adult was not just putting a disparaging label on the youngster's anger. Gradually, the daughter explored transforming her aggressive energy and channeling her passionate nature in productive communication and creative expression. (More on this next time.)

2. Leading By Example. When my father, out of a sense of desperation, entered therapy and my mother followed, somewhat reluctantly, the first step of a liberating journey out of the dysfunctional family closet was taken. They were both in their mid-40s. I was 19, my brother 14. They began to argue in the open for the first time. While scary, the oppressive myth that it was disrespectful, irrational or out of control to be angry was finally being overthrown. When emotions can be vented in a vital manner, members of a family are less likely to be caught in a psychic web of secrecy and pseudo morality. People are less likely to be consumed by free-floating anxiety and debilitating obsession or depression. Family members are better able to explore their interests and talents while respecting and supporting one another's individuality and genuine mutual connection.

Let me share a few lines from a poetic opus penned years ago. I tried to capture the effects of my father's leaving home for four months and my parents' grappling to rebuild their marriage and family:

What made him break From our mistake Perhaps we'll never know.

But in the wake Of psychic quake The formula to grow.

The silence cracks Each spouse attacks The couple hardly known.

But on these tracks Of broken backs Emancipation sown!

Finally, the last segment of the "Female Teen Depression" series, will highlight the importance of a temporary safe haven outside the home. I will also explore how a teen and family can dismantle the depression closet by encouraging the young girl evolving toward youthful womanhood to create, paraphrasing the pioneering English author, Virginia Woolf, "a room of her own."

Just remember...Practice Safe Stress!

Feedback Segment: How about sharing your thoughts on how you, friends or colleagues use humor in dealing with stress, conflict or moods, yours or others, in your personal life, at home or at work? HFTE will run the best stories and, of course, credit you. (And the real lagniappe, you become a member of the Stress Doc's Stress Busters Club.) Also, email me to learn more about "The Stress Doc's" upcoming serious and humorous on-line support/chat group -- "The Frequent Sighers Club.

Mark Gorkin, "The Stress Doc," Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a nationally recognized speaker, workshop leader and author on stress, reorganizational change, anger, team building, creativity and humor. The Stress Doc is a columnist for the popular cyber-newsletter, Humor From The Edge. Mark is also the "Online Psychohumorist" for the major AOL mental health resource network, Online Psych . His motto: Have Stress? Will Travel! Reach "The Doc" at (202) 232-8662, email: Stress Doc@aol.com