Breaking Out of the Teen Depression Closet

This closing segment of the female teen depression series examines: a) retreating from a pressure-packed family scene and b) carving out, while still living at home, a protected mental and physical space, (including, these days, cyberspace) apart from one's nuclear family and circle of friends and tormentors. (Forgive me if I'm being redundant.) If writing today, would British author and early 20th century feminist pioneer Virginia Woolf, title her classic essay on a woman's need and right to self-expression and self-fulfillment, "A Screen of One's Own"? (Or, at least, a password and mailbox.)

Here are the "Stress Doc's" inner and outer space strategies for breaking up and breaking away from the teen depression closet.

1. Outside Haven. Sometimes, family or peer group tension is so great, the negative communication patterns - from intimidation to isolation - so entrenched, separation between parents, siblings or peers and teens is necessary. For example, the home of my uncle and aunt, both for me and at least one other niece, was a place to retreat temporarily. I would periodically baby-sit on weekends. My cousin later lived with them for six months, or more.

For this retreat to work, it often takes some combination of high stress and extended family maturity to overcome or, at least, to tolerate potential feelings of rejection or jealousy. For example, how did my folks, especially my father, feel about his son being more comfortable in another family member's home? Now I was too ashamed to talk much about my troubles with my maternal uncle. (Surface and closeted tensions at home were helping fuel an obsession of being bullied and beaten by peers.) But we did talk sports, and there was a non-verbal, physical bonding. Uncle Dave was enthusiastic about playing ball and coaching me in contrast to my father who, sadly, was often withdrawn and fairly preoccupied at the time. (As an aside, athletics was also a way of enhancing self-esteem while working off some free-floating anxiety and aggression. And today, it's very heartening to know that young women are entering the informal and formal athletic playing fields in unprecedented numbers.)

Coming Together and Breaking Away

Ironically, despite years of emotional distance between me and my father, once he entered therapy, when I was nineteen, the groundwork was set for breaking down the walls between us. The increasingly open and honest battling sowed a fledgling foundation for trust-building. Three years later, I started counseling. We began to discover how alike we are, both in strengths and vulnerabilities. Sharing this new experience, along with our periodic confrontations and ensuing tears of rage and rejection, of forgiveness and joy, gradually transformed a common pain into an uncommon bond.

I also recall working as a therapist with a single mother and her two boys, aged 15 and 13. Tension amongst the three was chronic; the boys were underachieving in school, had some discipline problems and peer group troubles, etc. The woman had been divorced from the boys' father for six years. For the past three years, the father was in the Air Force, living overseas. There had been sporadic communication and stateside visitation between the boys and their father. One day, the father inquired about the boys living on the base with him. With family counseling, the boys acknowledged the guilt and sadness at leaving mom and the anxiety returning to dad; yet they were ready to break away. Obviously, this was a difficult separation, especially for the mother. Ultimately, though, the change reduced chronic stress levels for mom and sons, and the move enabled the boys to experience realistically - the positives and negatives - of life with dad in his domain. This family transition lasted three years. The boys returned stateside, moving in with their mother in anticipation of college. The outside haven experiment relieved all parties; each was freed to explore new social roles and relationships and to mature as individuals.

When feeling trapped by unending family or peer group tension, hopefully, the teen can seek outside support - from relatives, counselors, coaches, teachers, etc. Remember: God made adolescence to make it easier for families to launch their children from the nest!

2. Inner Harbor. Now let's examine how a young female can negotiate her adolescent odyssey between the potential twin dangers to her individuality - the parental Scylla and the peer group Charybdis - by exploring and cultivating her inner world. As indicated by the opening reference to Virginia Woolf, to reach our pure potential, to live a truly fulfilling life, I believe we need a place, a personal space, including cyberspace, to pursue our talents, curiosities and passions. Social psychology research indicates that folks who have developed their inner values, their own sensitive compass, with an ability to discriminate between constructive feedback and destructive criticism, who believe personal actions impact the quality of the responses they receive from their external environments, who see themselves as "origins" not "pawns," tend to be healthier psychologically. These individuals have an "inner locus of control."

Living from the Inside Out

How does one develop such a locus? By taking time to commune with one's feelings and being curious about our day and night dreams. By reflecting upon one's social roles and relationships and confronting toxic or draining people and situations. Learn to play and practice your game first. Take time to do what you love, to voice what you feel and believe, before accommodating others so quickly. Allow yourself to be a teenager; don't rush so blindly into young womanhood. At the risk of sounding uncool, become enlightened and energized by new ideas and horizons through reading. (At minimum, it will cut down on boob tube time.) And an inner locus comes to life when expressing one's individual essence and perspective through the creative arts: writing, painting, music, dancing, theatre...all provide an opportunity to hone gifts, take risks and integrate inner and outer space. Create a unique tapestry that transforms feelings of hopelessness, humiliation and family schism into passionate energy, wholeness and future vision.

I can never fully erase the emotional scars from the past. But each time I tap into my primal pool of pain, grappling with memory and mystery, while absorbed and flowing in the present, it's a transcendent moment. Perhaps there was some purpose to it all; as if the historical pains have decomposed into a fertile mix ready to be ignited by some gnawing problem or spark of inspiration. As I once observed:

For the phoenix to rise from the ashes One must know the pain To transform the fire to burning desire!

Alas, we are often quick to deny our creative gifts and underground urges, to resist becoming our true self. I recall a sixth grade teacher, commenting upon my intensity of effort in a class art project. For me, such intensity was generally lacking. He suggested I consider applying to one of the creative arts high schools in eighth or ninth grade. Sadly, I thought to myself: "Why should I? Don't you think I'm smart enough to go to a regular high school?"

The Last Word

Young girls can break down and break away from the teen depression closet if guided by an adult to an outer haven. For discovering and building an inner harbor, adult modeling or coaching may be necessary, but it can never be sufficient. Such an inner wellspring of strength requires a personal odyssey of daily battle, reflection and, hopefully, rejuvenation...along with tearful and joyful growing pains:

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.

e.e. cummings

And, of course, a harbor cannot be safe without the "Stress Doc" canon: Just remember...Practice Safe Stress!

Feedback Segment: How about sharing your thoughts on how you, friends or colleagues use humor in dealing with stress, conflict or moods, yours or others, in your personal life, at home or at work? HFTE will run the best stories and, of course, credit you. (And the real lagniappe, you become a member of the Stress Doc's Stress Busters Club.) Also, email me to learn more about "The Stress Doc's" upcoming serious and humorous on-line support/chat group -- "The Frequent Sighers Club.

Mark Gorkin, "The Stress Doc," Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a nationally recognized speaker, workshop leader and author on stress, reorganizational change, anger, team building, creativity and humor. The Stress Doc is a columnist for the popular cyber-newsletter, Humor From The Edge. Mark is also the "Online Psychohumorist" for the major AOL mental health resource network, Online Psych . His motto: Have Stress? Will Travel! Reach "The Doc" at (202) 232-8662, email: Stress Doc@aol.com