This Is a Satire

The Stress Doc completes his 'Top Ten" list on how to become a "Lean-and-Mean" Manager. The second half strategies will help you master the subtleties of intimidation and denial.

Top Ten Commandments for Lean-and-MEAN Management, Part 2

Warning: This essay may be hazardous to the ironically impaired.

6. Control the Communication Climate. A key responsibility for a "do more with less" manager is the direction and flow of communication. With today's critical slogan, "It's the time clock, stupid," interaction must be swift, sharp and incisive. There's no room for protracted negotiation, coddling or psychobabble. Encourage and model dismissive or incredulous facial gestures and "who gives a damn" body language. In particular, promote that most decisive word in the managerial lexicon accompanied, of course, by rolling eyes and a sneering lip: "WHATEVER." This is a sure-fire discussion killer. Clearly, you will be praised for your decisive, no "bs" leadership. And if you are not praised, it's only because people are jealous or intimidated; a sure sign of your superior position.

7. Create a Locker Room Atmosphere. While yours must be a "T n T" (Time- and Task-driven) workplace, sometimes you need to break up the numbing repetition or blast away the all too serious or self-important atmosphere. Try encouraging office or assembly line bantering. You'll keep worker frustration away from you or the organization by having employees rag on one another. Especially during a downsizing or major reorganization, scapegoating enables people to work out their frustrations on a sacrificial lamb. Give this lamb chop a few hours comp time (for a doctor's visit) for sacrificing his or her health for the functional good of the unit. Some of the humor may skirt the edge of sexual or racial harassment. But don't overreact if people are just having some triple lettered "www" fun - pulling up and passing around XXX or KKK sites. This stuffy political correctness has just gone too far. Hey, boys will be boyz will be boys.

Fortunately, almost always there's a built in safety mechanism. When the relentless razzing leads to an employee making death threats, be decisive. Step in and warn the threatening aggressor that if it happens again he gets a warning letter in his or her file. And with the target employee, put your arm around his or her shoulder and, in a most solicitous manner, say, "Hey, can't you take a joke!"

8. Protect Employee Secrecy and Innuendo. An inevitable byproduct of a chronic "Lean-and-MEAN" department or organizational environment is smoldering resentment and chronic interpersonal conflict. A key management skill is learning to harness this negative energy while retaining control of your employees. Become the hub off the office conflict wheel. Encourage employees to share their frustration with other colleagues and their supervisors with you. And, of course, don't put any pressure on the complainant to face their antagonist. You want people to trust you.

Even more intriguing is when Employee A tells you what Employee B said about Employee C's behavior. And, of course, Employee A won't say who Employee B is. But Employee A only has the good of the department or company at heart, of course. Some strategic steps: a) be a generous listener; allow unlimited venting, b) praise Employee A for both respecting the privacy of his colleagues and for reporting on them, c) reassure this employee that you will keep his information strictly confidential.

Of course, the next step is to start a secret file on this problematic individual, Employee C. (And hell, start one on Employee A as well. You don't want to be accused of unfair labor practices.) Once you have enough documented rumor and innuendo (and, obviously, in this system, there will be files on nearly all) you can nail whomever you wish. And if anyone inquires, you are just getting personal information on your employees so you can understand them better. Every manager in a "Lean-and-MEAN" system, male or female, should be a "Big Brother."

9. Abolish Democratic Game Playing. Do you still believe in focus groups, "constructive criticism" or two-way evaluation? If so, listen up! When employees express their concerns and frustrations at staff or team meetings, it invariably becomes a gripe session. (This team building stuff has gone too far. For example, I have had it with insipidly inspiring motivational posters, like the one with all these people rowing in a shell. I mean, how often do you and your crew scull together on the nearby river? Please, get a work life. Tear them down and put up such reality slogan posters as: "Thank you for not whining" and "Beware the effects of second-hand whining!") This feel good, everybody has something to contribute, everybody can provide leadership depending on the problem or the needed skills and resources are just more of this lowest-common denominator crap. When a company's doing more with less you don't have time for all this participatory decision-making and open discussion. Being "Lean-and-MEAN" means never having to say "matrix" or "consensus." Only in a wimpy world or socialistic society does everyone give up a little for the common good. Darwin Still Rules!

Finally, forcefully let folks know there's no more pulling on your chain of command. When you want feedback, especially people's negative energy that just spoils your good mood, you'll ask for it. There's too many who think they have this constitutional right to share their ideas and perspectives. When you are on your management pedestal, way above the worker drones, sequestered in your corporate fortress, knowing you have the one right way, it's true…nobody can see the big picture like you can.

10. Keep Away from Personal Stuff. Despite the effectiveness of the above management power boosters, there will be a couple of employees who just won't get with the program. Maybe they'll have family issues, alcohol problems or explosive personality tendencies. Perhaps such a problematic employee makes peers edgy by periodically interrupting his own out loud monologues (not verbal hallucinations, please) with shouting outbursts. (However, with a hard worker one overlooks such flaws). Or maybe this challenging individual just engages in harassing communications and behaviors, etc. Now those Employee Assistance Program (EAP) counselors and Human Resource folks always make a pitch for head shrinking these pariahs. Frankly, such do-gooders are just invading your turf and power base. Anyway, you just don't poke around into people's personal business. Hey, if the employee can't cut it, and you've given him enough rope…public hangings in the Middle Ages used to bring communities together.

Still I do feel obligated to close with a caveat. Be a little diplomatic. Don't totally alienate those EAP professionals. For if you follow these ten tips for "Lean-and-MEAN" management, believe me, more than anyone else, you'll need having an inflated ego and head shrunk down to size. So don't forget now…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com or <A HREF="www.stressdoc.com">STRESSDOC HOMEPAGE</A> and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc or <A HREF="aol://4344:972.doc.1264535.556723207">The Stress Doc @ Online Psych </A>.

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