His father's recent, unexpected medical problems only strengthens the Stress Doc's respect for this aggressive, sometimes frustrating, yet decidedly tough loveable, character. Still, one wonders about the price of "true grit." This reflective essay has the Doc meandering, once again, along the humble path of wisdom.
A Tough n' Tender Thanksgiving
With tomorrow being Thanksgiving, I'm particularly aware of one thing this season for which I am thankful. Actually, it's for a person - my father. He's an aggressive, Type A New Yorker, impatient, often quick to take offense, stubborn... Yet, the old man is definitely still on my pedestal. I've knocked him off more than once; and he's impulsively or stuporously jumped on his own a few times. But I keep putting him back because he deserves to be there. Dad's a tough, gutsy, 74 year old son of a Russian immigrant. He's still able, when it's on the line, to face and share his crises and fears and to be bigger than they are. And predictably, in my double-edged way of being, events of the last few months have both strengthened further my respect for his inner core and have me questioning its limits.
A Concrete and Existential Pain
Recently, it was determined my father had early stage prostate cancer. Initial shock and upset was followed by searching for the right combination of doctors and surgical strategy. When I was home visiting, he acknowledged being scared at first, but basically the guy wanted to have the surgery and to get it behind him, as it were. I couldn't detect any real difference in his personality or behavior due to his condition or pre-surgery anxiety. He was as abrasively charming and annoying as usual. He was still complaining about his elusive tennis grip. I took these familiar patterns as positive signs.
As for the operation, the doctors shot a radium pellet up his rectum to eradicate the cancer. The procedure was successful and, in two weeks, he was back on the tennis court. Now, I thought, he could go back to being a pain in the ass instead of also having one. Of course, I shared this with him.
Underneath the playfully tough New York bantering, is a mutual feeling of deep caring and admiration, for all that we both have confronted and overcome. Our love, once severely strained has, over the last three decades, been mightily contested and has more than stood the test of time. Despite the aggressive cover, our love, now, is never far from the surface.
Still, there is willful struggle. Dad cannot comprehend fully many of my life choices regarding a traditional career, financial success, relationships, family, etc., or lacks thereof. Or I won't fully empathize with his depression era attitudes about how much income I should be earning for my financial security. So we battle over why psychological and artistic integrity is more important for me than some preconceived, "bottom line" criterion of financial success. Hey, one man's conception of life security is another man's barely symbolic death sentence. And we finally, and temporarily, agree to disagree.
A Second Blow
Then last week, he wakes up with a pounding in the back of his head. One eye droopy and the side of his mouth decidedly contorted. My folks figure it's a stroke. But a CAT scan determines it's Bell's Palsy, a viral infection. With some medication, he's feeling better. He again reassures me he'll be back on the tennis court for my holiday visit. And I'm sure he will, and yet... Has the psychological stress from the consuming dance with cancer somehow made him vulnerable to the virus? Does he pay a price for being his tough courageous self? (In contrast, I was an emotional rollercoaster when a tumor was discovered in my thyroid ten years ago. But I'm also convinced my open grieving helped speed my post-operative recovery.) And, for me, there's no denying that the end of his journey looms a bit larger on the horizon.
I've talked to a number of friends who share stories of how a parent kept coming back from serious illness, even death's door. Just wasn't ready to go. It happened so often, they were shocked when the loved one finally died. Now I'm not sure my father will follow this path. He's already made me and my brother promise that there will be no extraordinary life preserving procedures. If he can't have a personally acceptable level of vitality and functionality...he wants out of here. (Of course, over the years, I've periodically threatened him with Dr. Kevorkian.)
But seriously, as much I will miss this crusty on the outside, genuine and sensitive (in the best and worst sense) guy on the inside, I trust my father's sense of timing and readiness to hang tough. And he'll "know when to say when." Dad's increasingly learned to intuit my short hand formula for managing crises and stress with wisdom:
Fight when you can Take flight when you must Flow like a dream In the phoenix we trust!
The Search for Wisdom
Which brings me to the prayer and the story I actually want to share this Thanksgiving holiday. The first offering is the familiar "Serenity Prayer":
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know where to hide the bodies...(Just kidding, dad.) And the wisdom to know the difference!
The older I get, the more profound "The Serenity Prayer" seems. Yet, a fundamental question remains: how the heck do you get the wisdom? Okay, folks. Here it is...The Secret of Wisdom.
Once there was a young woman who heard that an old wise woman had the secret of wisdom. The young woman was determined to track the old woman down. After traveling many months, the young woman found the old woman in a cave. She entered and addressed the old woman: "Old Wise Woman, I hear you have Th e Secret of Wisdom. Would you share it with me? The old woman looked at the youth and said, "Yes, you seem sincere. The Secret of Wisdom is good judgment." "Good judgment, of course," said the youth, thanked her mentor, and started to leave. However, as she got to the entrance of the cave she paused, turned back and said, "Old Woman, I feel funny, but, if I may ask, how does one obtain good judgment?" "That's a good question," said the sage. "One obtains good judgment through experience." "Experience, of course," said the young seeker, and proceeded to leave. But once again she stopped in her tracks, and humbly walked back to her mentor. "Old Woman," said the young woman, "I feel foolish, but I have to ask: How does one obtain experience?" The old woman paused, nodded her head, then proceeded: "Now you have reached the right question. How does one obtain experience?. . .Through bad judgment!"
The Legacy
In a way, this story touches upon my youthful search for critical questions and answers. It also sheds light on the resurrection of the father-son bond. Blessedly, by allowing himself to become a mid-life seeker, my father gradually transformed himself and our vulnerable relationship. He began to confront in group therapy, sometimes kicking and screaming, as much as he was emotionally able, his inner demons of rage and fear, depression and abandonment. Of course, the family foundation was being shaken. In dad's raw beginner phase, my mother, not surprisingly had a dream about literally being steamrolled by the man. Still, and selfishly, a commitment to therapy was the catalyst for my father becoming in my eyes and heart less a monster and more a mentor. And, ironically, his risking this uncommon generational step launched my "deviant" wanderings along the circuitous, unpredictable yet, ultimately, rejuvenating path of wisdom. Thanks, dad.
So for the holidays, seek a mentor, be a mentor and, of course...Practice Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, "The Stress Doc," Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a nationally recognized speaker, workshop leader and author on stress, reorganizational change, anger, team building, creativity and humor. He is also the internet's and the nation's leading "Psychohumorist." The Stress Doc is a columnist for the popular cyber-newsletter, Humor From The Edge -- HUMOR FROM THE EDGE HOME PAGE . Mark is also the "Online Psychohumorist" for the major AOL mental health resource network, Online Psych -- ONLINE PSYCH: THE STRESS DOC and Financial Services Journal Online -- . And he is an offline writer for two mental health/substance abuse publications -- Treatment Today and Paradigm Magazine. His motto: Have Stress? Will Travel: A Smart Mouth for Hire! Reach "The Doc" at (202) 232-8662, email: Stress Doc@aol.com. The Stress Doc's website was selected as a USA Today Online "Hot Site" and designated a four-star, top- rated site by Mental Health Net.