Returning from a series of near-toxic consulting and training missions in the belly of the government and corporate beast, the Stress Doc has forged his strategic list for cultivating hard-edged, if not cutting edge, millennium managers.

Top Ten Commandments for Lean-and-MEAN Management

Warning: This essay may be hazardous for the ironically-impaired!

From my years as a corporate and government consultant, it's clear there are some specific skills, procedures and strategies for best motivating individuals while building productivity and team morale. Especially in these "do more with less" times, we need organizational units that can be time- focused and task-driven. High touch is the luxury of liberals in a technocratic society. So how do we cultivate more inspiring Rambo and Rambette corporate leadership? With the Stress Doc's "Top Ten" tips for developing a "lean-and-MEAN" management style, of course. Now go for it!

1) Flaunt a Superiority Complex. First and foremost, assume your superiors can't or won't understand the complexities of your mission and objectives or your obstacles and reduced resources. So consider these guerilla tactics: a) Don't broach the issue more than once; beyond that upper management will simply assume you don't have what it takes to get the mission accomplished. Of course, this assumption may well be a fearful cover: you may know more than the person to whom you report. Goals come and go but ego and "egoals" are forever! And anyway, "God helps those who help themselves." Remember, only wimps avoid burnout. b) Go behind your manager and cultivate a relationship with a higher up for plotting strategy and covertly obtaining resources. c) Don't do anything; allow systems operations to collapse. This will eventually get upper management's attention and will show them!

2) Beware Managing or Micromanaging. With subordinates, one must be able to demonstrate a capacity for detached invasiveness. Practice "The Triple 'A' of Individual/Organizational Responsibility": Don't allow your employees too much "Authority" and "Autonomy," as this invariably is perceived as a lack of command and control. Remember, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of individuality. CYA: Cover Your "Accountability."

And don't forget these related managing stratagems:

a) Dynamic Denial. Of course, we don't want you inappropriately meddling into your employee's business. So just because some of your staff haven't been talking to each other for years and they want to film the next Freddie Krueger movie at your worksite…butt out. Lack of fraternizing certainly cuts down on rumors and shortens coffee breaks. In addition, a little pressure helps fuel the performance edge.

b) Have a Heart. Still, there are times when you must rescue the problematic employee, for example, the person who manages to pass along or dump his work upon others, especially if he's a personal friend. (We've already emphasized the importance of loyalty in your shop.) If you don't come across as having a sympathetic heart, then at least you'll be viewed as a leader who fosters a spirit of delegation and team enabling.

Of course, when the office "stress carrier" (you know, the employee who never gets ulcers…just gives them) is a talented high producer, then there's only one thing to do: don't look for trouble. Colleagues must simply make allowances for tantrum throwing or sulking hotshots. (This is commonplace at the highest levels.) Remember, being a Prima Dona means never having to say you are sorry. It's individual winning over group whining every time. Modify the Vince Lombardi mythical message: "Productivity isn't everything…It's the only thing!"

3. Encourage Affiliation and Group Bonding. To counterbalance the angry silence and avoidance, sometimes the office needs folks whose primary task is to spread cutting edge information (not rumor, please) and to talk excessively about their personal family problems (which brings a little humanity into the workplace). Distracting, incessant and unsolicited banter also helps break up the work monotony. While the office butterfly may prove aggravating, this pest provides a higher purpose. He or she will make a convenient scapegoat and will siphon off office enmity that really belongs to you.

4. Exploit the Generation Gaps. It's nice to see another '60s slogan making the rounds again in our high tech environments: "Don't trust anyone over thirty!" Hey, if your employees don't eat, sleep and breathe Windows '98, Excel and Power Point, as well as do a little code, they are virtually vestigial.

Conversely, in fields where twenty-something employees are just learning their trade or profession, allow senior people to withhold key performance information and skills from these Generation Xers. Seniors as mentors for juniors is just apprentice babysitting. Young folks need to get off their butts and spend years wandering in the workplace desert like you did. That's the only way to achieve divine job transformation, enlightenment and empowerment. Anyway, who wants to enhance the skill set of someone moving into your career path? This is a no-brainer.

5. Blow Up When Frustrated. Of course, we give lip service to admiring the strong, silent managerial type. But sometimes, you just have to unlock your inner Rambo or Rambette. Screaming, cursing, throwing things, etc., definitely gets people's attention. Employees, especially the one's most dysfunctionally dependent upon you, need to feel your power and authoritarian, if not irrational, side. They feel comfortable with this aggressive aura. They no longer are just waiting for the explosion. Sometimes, anticipation can be worse than actual intimidation. You are creating a family atmosphere. As Dorothy learned: "There's no place like home!" Hey a talented manager should be both blustering wizard and wicked witch.

Then, post-eruption, you can be contrite and apologize. Explain the method of your madness: you are training staff to handle with humility abuse from their customers. There's also another benefit from this power-based, one up/one down dynamic. The targets of intimidation often blame themselves and are reluctant to leave a battering situation. And in a tight job market, this may get you a commendation from the highest levels of management.

We will round out the Stress Doc's "Top Ten" Commandments for "Lean-and-MEAN Management" in an upcoming edition. Until then, of course…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, "The Stress Doc," Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a nationally recognized speaker, workshop leader and author on stress, reorganizational change, anger, team building, creativity and humor. He is also the internet's and the nation's leading "Psychohumorist." The Stress Doc is a columnist for the popular cyber-newsletter, Humor From The Edge -- HUMOR FROM THE EDGE HOME PAGE . Mark is also the "Online Psychohumorist" for the major AOL mental health resource network, Online Psych -- ONLINE PSYCH: THE STRESS DOC and Financial Services Journal Online. And he is an offline writer for two mental health/substance abuse publications -- Treatment Today and Paradigm Magazine. His motto: Have Stress? Will Travel: A Smart Mouth for Hire! Reach "The Doc" at (202) 232-8662, email: Stress Doc@aol.com, or check out his "Hot Site" website: http://www.stressdoc.com or click STRESS DOC HOMEPAGE. (The site was selected as a USA Today Online "Hot Site" and designated a four-star, top- rated site by Mental Health Net.)

** For his free newsletter, Notes from the Online Psychohumorist (TM) or for info on the Stress Doc's Online Coaching program, email stressdoc@aol.com.