The Stress Doc's Q & A
Love & Relationships

1) The Very Real Dangers of Long Distance "Virtual Romantasy a’ Deux"

Q. Dear Stress Doc, Thank you for the advice you gave me in May when you responded to me regarding a relationship I had with a new Internet friend -- two professionals in unhappy marriages, rewarding jobs, each two children. I live in Iowa and he in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. We were meeting in Minneapolis. You warned us: "It may be a slippery slope to travel."

Well, after realizing we were "soulmates," we simply had to consummate the relationship. We not only slid, but fell very hard! We are constantly frustrated by the fact that there are no easy answers for us to be together and how we could affect six other lives, forfeit jobs, border and custody issues. We even said our good-byes and, after two weeks, he simply needed to reestablish our relationship. As a nurse, I believe we were suffering, mutually, from a depression.

I have been visiting a Psychologist and am having difficulty coping with everyday reality. I am totally obsessed with a potential future with him and I know he is having some of the same difficulty. I am unmotivated to work, find it difficult to have a purpose in my role as mother and wife. As discussed with my therapist, we agreed, time will tell all. She has suggested to see each other as much as physically possible and let it unfold.

Our spouses are "status quo" and I realize no decisions are necessary at this time. I’m not sure therapy is helping me cope with day to day activities and wonder if I should change therapists? I have seen her three times and plan future appointments. My most outrageous thought has been to run away from everything and start a new life, but I realize it can’t be with him now. Thank you for any help you can offer us.

A. Sounds like you are into a pretty dangerous cycle of addictive-depressive highs and lows. If you don’t come down to earth and walk on solid ground, you might well crash or panic from your helpless and seemingly trapped state. And, alas, I’m a bit worried about your therapist’s advice: "see each other as much as physically possible." Frankly, I think she’s encouraging, if not a "folie a’ deux," then a "virtuality a’ deux."

Before proceeding, let me say I’m not sure what you mean by, "Our spouses are ‘status quo.’" Does this mean that both spouses are in the dark about the liaison? Or are they holding their breaths, if not their angry voices, in hopes it will pass? I will assume the former.

Long distance romance, especially one that has a secretive or somewhat illicit quality, when combined with a common plight, like a lifeless marriage, often makes for an overpowering state of "romantasy." Mundane, day-to-day relating be damned. It’s easy to believe that the long sought for soul connection has finally arrived. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but the veracity of a soulful connection takes ongoing give and take, conflict and courage, not just amazing passion, to determine such an uncommon connection. (Did you know that one of the definitions of "passion" is not just sex, but "suffering," as in the Passion Play? I can just imagine you saying: "See, we are passionate: Sex is great, then the suffering engulfs us." Alas, passion as suffering relates more to a "dark night of the soul" grappling with one’s essential identity and integrity. But more shortly.)

Of course, this inability for regular f2f is the problem as you see it. Life, kids, countries, etc., have conspired to keep our mid-life Juliet and Romeo apart. From my perspective, subjective (in that I have had my share of codependent conditions of "romanatasy") and also without the benefit of in-person relating, here is the root of the crisis: you are attempting a real relationship in not just a virtual context, but also in an unreal one. And the unreality is less that there are third parties involved in these romantic triangles, but that you haven’t resolved the status of your relationship with the respective marital partners. Frustration, rage, desperation, depression…all predictable consequences of resisting confronting an illusion. And such turbulent emotions are anything but "status quo."

I strongly suggest not spending more time with your soulmate right now. In fact, I’d take a sabbatical; not necessarily terminate your relationship, but definitely place this romantic stew on the back burner. (And I'm aware of the pain if you do so.) First, you need to confront your day to day reality. With some good individual and couple therapy, grapple with the existential: should you stay and see if there is any potential for vital life in your respective marriages or use counseling to effect a painful yet, at this point, necessary separation. And in this separated state, from both husband and romantasy partner, I’d do some intensive individual work on your needs, fears, sense of fulfillment in various roles, strengths and values. Also assess the same for the other players in this far-flung drama. I might even consider a consult with a psychiatrist for some short-term medication in response your self-diagnosed state of depression; if the helplessness-panic feeling persists.

Of course, there’s a risk in this separate while self-examining before reconnecting or divorcing process. If both of you leave your spouse and/or children, there’s no guarantee under this less impatient and impulsive status, the two of you will continue as soulmates. And then, of course, you may feel totally bereft and alone. (And I would eventually cut off all communication if you are the only one to leave a spouse/family and get the proper therapeutic assistance.)

Your present "romantasy a’ deux" context seems to be sapping the life out of both of you. It’s also likely heightening tension and proving draining for respective family members, even if not acknowledged. I wonder if your husband and his wife aren’t enabling the "status quo" and are also avoiding confronting the respective dysfunctional marriages? Ultimately, all adult parties bear some responsibility for this myopic marital morass.

Many years experience as a couple and family therapist leads me to encourage the scary, uncertain path of individual and couple integrity. With your financial safety net and a willingness and a capacity for generating emotional (and/or biochemical) support, with the right therapist and support system (such as a 12-step codependency group) you can grow from this passion play. I predict your emerging from this dark night of the soul experience both feeling lighter and with a profound sense of having achieved meaningful enlightenment. And, of course, this higher path also allows you to…Practice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, the Stress Doc, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized speaker, trainer, consultant and author, is also known as AOL's and the internet's "Online Psychohumorist" ™. Check out his USA Today Online "Hot Site" website - www.stressdoc.com  and his page on AOL/Online Psych, Keyword: Stress Doc

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